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Clips from Silicon Valley - The Cap Table (S01E01)

"- Well, that's an expensive boner. - Not a boner."
Silicon Valley
"- [Sighs] - Thanks for coming in, guys."
Silicon Valley
"We have a lot to do, so,"
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"let's get started."
Silicon Valley
"Sounds great."
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"Me? Ok."
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"Uhh..."
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"Well, we're just really excited to get going, Mr. Gregory."
Silicon Valley
"Yes. Who's we?"
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"Myself, him, uh,"
Silicon Valley
"- the guys back at the house. - Guys?"
Silicon Valley
"What guys?"
Silicon Valley
"Who is this?"
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"Erlich Bachman. I'm an entrepreneur,"
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"much like yourself. Uh..."
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"Richard actually developed Pied Piper"
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"while residing in my Incubator,"
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"so as per our agreement, I own ten percent of the company."
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"I'm paying you $200,000 for five percent"
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"yet you're giving this man..."
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"twice that in exchange for... a futon?"
Silicon Valley
"And some sandwiches?"
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"Actually, sir, my tenants provide their own food..."
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"What other percentages have you apportioned?"
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"[Sighs] Can I see your cap table, investment deck,"
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"business plan or any other relevant paperwork"
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"you may have prepared?"
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"I... I just was under the impression that, uh..."
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"we would just be coming by and saying hi, you know,"
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"uh, to pick up the check."
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"And, uh, I just didn't know that any of that stuff was due yet."
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"- Due? - [Sighs]"
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"This is not college, Richard."
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"I am not going to be giving you a course syllabus."
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"You turned down ten million dollars"
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"to keep Pied Piper."
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"What did you give up that money for? What is this company?"
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"What did I buy?"
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"- You bought the algorithm, which... - No."
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"The algorithm is the product of the company."
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"I know that."
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"What I'm asking about is the company itself."
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"Who is it? What do they do?"
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"Are they essential?"
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"Or do you just throw a percentage at them like you did with this..."
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"This all must be worked out."
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"Now."
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"When you said you'd guide us"
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"through some of the stuff I thought that this was"
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"the stuff you'd be guiding us through."
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"I cannot guide you until you give me..."
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"something to guide."
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"This is going very poorly."
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"[Whispers] I know that."
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"He doesn't seem to know what he's doing."
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"[Slurps]"
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"Did you just take a sip from an empty cup?"
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"Yes."
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"Why did you do that?"
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"- Just something to do. - Come back in 48 hours"
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"with an airtight business plan,"
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"a clear go-to-market strategy"
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"and three year summary P&I or there will be no check."
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"That's it."
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"[Monica] Well, thanks for coming in, guys."
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"Um... are there any water fountains in your offices?"
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"I assume."
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"I own ten percent of an app that locates all nearby water fountains."
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"I'd be happy to discuss it with you."
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"Good day, gentlemen."
Silicon Valley
"You smoke weed?"
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"You really embarrassed me in there."
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"You didn't say shit about any business plan before today."
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"And neither did he. And he was kind of being an asshole back there."
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"Yeah, that's why he's a billionaire. 'Cause he knows how and when to be an asshole."
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"That's what you need to be like."
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"- You do, Richard. - Whatever."
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"If you continue to mismanage this company giving ten percent to whoever..."
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"Obviously, you know, we can't go back on my shares."
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"That ship has sailed but from here on out."
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"Now you're being an asshole."
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"You say that like it's a bad thing."
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"Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of"
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"asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared."
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"I mean, you almost gave him shares."
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"You need to completely change who you are, Richard."
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"A complete teutonic shift has to happen."
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"Tectonic."
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"What?"
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"A tectonic shift is the earth's crust moving around."
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"Teutonic, which is what you just said,"
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"is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans."
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"They were originally from Scandinavia..."
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"Stop it! Stop it."
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"You're being a complete tool right now."
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"I need you to be a complete asshole."
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"Do you understand the difference?"
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"If you're not an asshole, this company dies."
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"Erlich, I have 48 hours."
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"Are you going to help me with this business plan or not?"
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"I believe in you, Richard. That's why I'm not."
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"Business plans that are created in support of new ventures"
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"are to implement profound changes in existing venture."
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"Uh..."
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"[Line ringing]"
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"Hi, this is Richard Hendricks."
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"Is now a good time?"
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"Uh, I need some help."
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"Who's Chevy Volt is that out front?"
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"Uh, Jared Dunn's."
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"What? Why? Why is he here?"
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"Well, because as you know, I need some advice on the business plan."
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"- You're cutting him in? - Um..."
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"Good morning. Whoops, that was weird."
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"I don't know why I did that."
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"You kind of have a... Like a king-ish feeling to you."
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"You're like a... Like a Norse hero from Valhalla."
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"Don't pander to me."
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"Peter Gregory said specifically to trim the fat."
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"They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame."
Silicon Valley
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