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Clips from Weeds - Suck 'n' Spit (S05E05)

"On the one hand, I approve of the triangle formation..."
Weeds
"...and the daring use of spotlights."
Weeds
"-On the other hand.... -I might have something."
Weeds
"-Not tonsillitis, I'm guessing. -We all have chlamydia."
Weeds
"Okay, everyone out. Dancer, Prancer, go tell your own parents."
Weeds
"Go, go. Don't have any sexual encounters on the way home."
Weeds
"And, Shane, button up, and then we'll go get this checked out."
Weeds
"-It's fine. It's nothing. -It's not fine. It's never nothing."
Weeds
"Sometimes it's nothing, but only after you make sure that it's not something."
Weeds
"If it is something, I'm sure that's it's something that can be fixed."
Weeds
"-You ever...? -Yeah."
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"Well, a couple times. I think."
Weeds
"If I can remember Van Nuys, but...."
Weeds
"Take a deep breath."
Weeds
"Hold that breath."
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"And let it out slowly."
Weeds
"Doesn't that feel good?"
Weeds
"Thank you, Danielle. Good aim."
Weeds
"-I play softball. -Well, of course you do."
Weeds
"So am I smoking the mascara or the blush?"
Weeds
"-You have the Winter.... -Winter's Kiss."
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"Winter's Kiss Powdery Blush."
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"-And Pinky has.... -Lucky Lash. Waterproof."
Weeds
"Lucky Lash Waterproof Mascara."
Weeds
"You sure I can put this on my credit card?"
Weeds
"That's what makes this the best deal in town."
Weeds
"Your weed shows up as "beauty products"..."
Weeds
"...on your credit card statement. No cash needed."
Weeds
"Smoke now, pay later."
Weeds
"What do you say? Are you feeling pretty?"
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"Lady, I never feel pretty."
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"But right now I'm feeling good. I'll take one of everything."
Weeds
"Me too."
Weeds
"I got some friends that are pretty hard up..."
Weeds
"...since that dry-cleaner pot club got shut down."
Weeds
"What about this?"
Weeds
"You buy from me, and resell it to your friends."
Weeds
"The more you buy from me and the more they buy from you..."
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"...the sooner you're gonna pay off those credit cards."
Weeds
"-Yeah. -Come forward and receive."
Weeds
"But first, business."
Weeds
"Everyone, let's see that plastic."
Weeds
"Oh, yeah."
Weeds
"-Do you take American Express? -Here you go."
Weeds
"This is great. No crying, no poop, just a good old-fashioned STD scare."
Weeds
"-This is my wheelhouse. -Well, I'm glad you're happy."
Weeds
"I'm in an LGBT clinic waiting to see if my 14-year-old has a venereal disease."
Weeds
"I'm never having sex again."
Weeds
"Buddy, you gotta get back on that horse and ride."
Weeds
"-Not bareback. -No sex ever again."
Weeds
"-That's a very good idea. -Terrible idea."
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"Sex is awesome. I enjoy sex. You enjoy sex."
Weeds
"Why shouldn't Shane enjoy sex? Right, Shane?"
Weeds
"-I just had a Q-tip in my dick hole. -Cotton-eyed Joe."
Weeds
"We've all been there. No big deal."
Weeds
"I got a cat hair lodged in my urethra one time."
Weeds
"It's not bestiality, a sleeping bag at Burning Man."
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"Cat girl. Oh, God."
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"-She meowed when she got close to-- -No."
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"The last thing we need is another Uncle Andy fractured fairy tale."
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"-I don't want him thinking this is okay. -This is okay."
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"-I don't want Shane living your life. -As opposed to yours?"
Weeds
"You've been a good object lesson for him."
Weeds
"I've been a parent, not a friend."
Weeds
"-Well, it's not chlamydia. -High five."
Weeds
"-He does, however, have an infection. -What kind of infection?"
Weeds
"Candida. It's a yeast."
Weeds
"A yeast infection? Seriously?"
Weeds
"I'm gonna prescribe some gentian violet to rub on your penis."
Weeds
"Or if you want the cheaper, over-the-counter option..."
Weeds
"-...you can use Vagistat. -No, no, no."
Weeds
"We'll take violet over vag."
Weeds
"Money's no object for my nephew's object."
Weeds
"-Right, Shane? -See, you're being a buddy..."
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"-...not a parent. -Will you two stop?"
Weeds
"I don't need a buddy or a parent right now. I need a pharmacist."
Weeds
"He'll be fine. Rite of passage. Thank you."
Weeds
"Granted not exactly the bar mitzvah that he should have had."
Weeds
"Andy? A moment of silence, please..."
Weeds
"...while I continue to enjoy the sweet caress of alcohol..."
Weeds
"-...for the first time in far too long. -Okay."
Weeds
"Can I talk now?"
Weeds
"Now?"
Weeds
"So fucking male yeast infection. That's crazy, right?"
Weeds
"Who knew? It's like a cross-pollination sort of thing."
Weeds
"Mad cow. Hoof-and-mouth."
Weeds
"The human body is a complex and mysterious experiment."
Weeds
"It's a sewer."
Weeds
"You're still reeling from that diaper change."
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"That wasn't human. You didn't see that."
Weeds
"I've seen it."
Weeds
"Well, he's Lupita's problem for the next couple hours."
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"He's nobody's problem."
Weeds
"He's my son. My third son."
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"My third..."
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"-...son. -Yeah."
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"The little bastard saved my life."
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"And he's pretty damn cute. Right?"
Weeds
"Like sick, crazy cute."
Weeds
"These drinks are strong."
Weeds
"Why can't babies just talk?"
Weeds
"They come out knowing how to breathe, talking should be a...."
Weeds
"What do you call it? Involuntary action."
Weeds
"-For you it is. -Imagine if Stevie could say:"
Weeds
""Hey, I got something in the pants. Put me on the potty, stat!""
Weeds
"You'll learn to read the signs."
Weeds
"Oh, God. Should have pumped."
Weeds
"-So they hurt, or...? -Yes. Hard."
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"-Do you wanna go? -No."
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"It's my first time out. Hang-- Hang on a second."
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"No way."
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"Fuck."
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"Okay."
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"Okay, relax."
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"Okay, okay, okay."
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"Oh, goddamn it. Fuck it all to hell. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
Weeds
"Andy?"
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"Hi. Yeah."
Weeds
"Could--? Could you come in here? Yeah."
Weeds
"In the bathroom, yeah."
Weeds
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