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Clips from Broad City - Pu$$y Weed (S01E01)

"I can find somebody."
Broad City
"It shouldn't be that hard."
Broad City
"Weed? Yeah, weed."
Broad City
"I mean, weed, yeah."
Broad City
"How much?"
Broad City
"Um, I was thinking like an eighth."
Broad City
"Okay, I was gonna say, like, a quarter."
Broad City
"Wow, okay."
Broad City
"I mean, I wasn't prepared for that much."
Broad City
"Is-- is that what you need me to do?"
Broad City
"It's what I'd like. Okay."
Broad City
"How much would that be?"
Broad City
"You tell me."
Broad City
"Am I naming my own price here,"
Broad City
"like, what-- I don't know."
Broad City
"That's-- that's what dealers do."
Broad City
"Wait, do you think that I'm the dealer?"
Broad City
"You walk around the park sayin', weed,"
Broad City
"pot, people think you're a--"
Broad City
"Or they could think that you were looking for it."
Broad City
"So..."
Broad City
"♪"
Broad City
"Hey, um, so Hemmy and I are"
Broad City
"working pretty hard to suck Uncle Sam's D up in here,"
Broad City
"but we ran into like a pickle, wall--"
Broad City
"I don't know what the saying is."
Broad City
"Um, we got the W2's and the W9's,"
Broad City
"but where do we get three through eight? (Abbi) Dude, I don't know."
Broad City
"You get the things you get, you sign 'em, and you send 'em back."
Broad City
"She doesn't know, and she is mean."
Broad City
"(Abbi) I'm sorry that I snapped."
Broad City
"I'm in a bad mood."
Broad City
"I'm just-- I'm having a really hard time finding weed, okay?"
Broad City
"Oh, I'm sorry."
Broad City
"I think I'm gonna give up on this."
Broad City
"This is like-- it was a long shot to begin with."
Broad City
"I mean, like, who do I think I am?"
Broad City
"Heard you were looking for some... pizza."
Broad City
"Pizza? Yeah, grandma, pizza."
Broad City
"Pot."
Broad City
"Oh, okay."
Broad City
"Who are you Alex P. Keaton?"
Broad City
"Do you want the pizza or not?"
Broad City
"Yeah, yeah, I want it."
Broad City
"Ilana, I got the pizza."
Broad City
"Pizza?"
Broad City
"Yeah, that's what the kids are callin' it."
Broad City
"I got it. Cool."
Broad City
"Pizza, very cool."
Broad City
"All right, sweet."
Broad City
"Let's meet at the ATM where that dude puked on you last week."
Broad City
"Okay. Peace."
Broad City
"We haven't finished your taxes yet."
Broad City
"And you know what a grown-up woman really does?"
Broad City
"Pays someone else to do it."
Broad City
"Ah, the American way."
Broad City
"So, are you sure you just want the pot?"
Broad City
"You should really try Oxy."
Broad City
"For $500, I'll sell you three pages"
Broad City
"of my dad's prescription pad."
Broad City
"No, just the pot's fine."
Broad City
"I'm ashamed I ever called you Alex P. Keaton."
Broad City
"I have no idea who you're talking about."
Broad City
"♪"
Broad City
"Nice."
Broad City
"Okay, I wanna say something to you,"
Broad City
"but you have to hear me out."
Broad City
"Okay. I really think you should put your weed in your front hole."
Broad City
"It's too dank to be out in the air, I'm telling you."
Broad City
"Like, I-- I'm not doing that."
Broad City
"So, look, I don't know what you--"
Broad City
"Listen, we're gonna be runnin' around all day,"
Broad City
"and there is literally no safer place."
Broad City
"I don't wanna get too graphic, but vajinas tend to mask the"
Broad City
"smell-- and, you know, they're warm and they're moist,"
Broad City
"and they have their own odor."
Broad City
"That's why-- Well, what's the graphic part"
Broad City
"that you didn't wanna say, 'cause I feel like that"
Broad City
"was like pretty head-on-the-nose."
Broad City
"That was graphic."
Broad City
"I'm not putting pot, like, up inside of me,"
Broad City
"'cause I'm an adult, and I'm responsible."
Broad City
"Let's go get some candy."
Broad City
"(both) Ooh..."
Broad City
"Kids used to say it would take them, like,"
Broad City
"a week to get to the center of one of these bad boys."
Broad City
"But I know the trick to gettin' right to it."
Broad City
"(screaming)"
Broad City
"What up, Ilana?"
Broad City
"So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker, and my veneer fell out,"
Broad City
"and now I am a literal monster."
Broad City
"I didn't know you had a veneer,"
Broad City
"and I'm in that mouth on a regular basis."
Broad City
"Well, I broke it on a dog bone,"
Broad City
"so I don't tell a lot of people,"
Broad City
"to be honest."
Broad City
"You know, since we're bein' honest,"
Broad City
"I want to share with you that I have prosthetic balls."
Broad City
"What? I'm just kiddin'!"
Broad City
"So, can you fix it?"
Broad City
"Yeah, I'm not doin' anything right now."
Broad City
"(mumbling) Chill. I'm on the phone, man."
Broad City
"So the earliest I could see you is 4:30."
Broad City
"Thank you so much, dude."
Broad City
"All right, so where were we?"
Broad City
"Oh, yeah."
Broad City
"Yeesh! These all gotta come out."
Broad City
"What?"
Broad City
"I'm just kiddin'."
Broad City
"I'm a real jokester today-- I had that one,"
Broad City
"and the one earlier about prosthetic balls."
Broad City
"I'm crushin' it, two for two all day."
Broad City
"♪"
Broad City
"Okay."
Broad City
"I can't make heads or tails of this."
Broad City
"What is this for?"
Broad City
"Oh, I got that for biking on the sidewalk,"
Broad City
"but because I hadn't paid my last ticket"
Broad City
"for biking on the sidewalk--"
Broad City
"I gotta tell ya, this is all a mess,"
Broad City
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