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Clips from MacGruber - The Hungry Lion (S01E01)

"I have a wonderful husband and a big, glitzy house,"
MacGruber
"and I don't ever have to work again."
MacGruber
"And no more getting shot at, and no more risking my life"
MacGruber
"to save the world."
MacGruber
"I have the best job ever now."
MacGruber
"I'm a wife."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"I'm really happy."
MacGruber
"- Ohh."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- He needed us."
MacGruber
"He needed us."
MacGruber
"- * Baby *"
MacGruber
"- Okay. Okay, what you need is some sleep."
MacGruber
"- Yeah."
MacGruber
"- So let me take you home, okay?"
MacGruber
"- Yeah. - All right."
MacGruber
"- What kind of car do you have?"
MacGruber
"[tense music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Ahh!"
MacGruber
"- Ah, there he is."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Shall we begin?"
MacGruber
"I made these especially for you, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"- Oh, God."
MacGruber
"- And I can't wait to use them."
MacGruber
"- Constantine, come on, buddy."
MacGruber
"What's the rush, right?"
MacGruber
"You know, you should grab a few Molsons and pull up a chair."
MacGruber
"I'll just hang here literally. [chuckles]"
MacGruber
"But seriously, let's catch up, huh?"
MacGruber
"- I've thought about this day for 11 years."
MacGruber
"- I've thought about it too."
MacGruber
"'Cause I knew that this would be the day that you forgave me"
MacGruber
"for getting your eyes all blown up to shit."
MacGruber
"Look, I got some buds in the optical industry."
MacGruber
"So why don't you let me out of here,"
MacGruber
"and we can go get you a brand-new set of peepers"
MacGruber
"for those eye stumps of yours, huh?"
MacGruber
"Any color you want."
MacGruber
"And I promise you from the bottom of my heart"
MacGruber
"I will not press charges."
MacGruber
"You've done a lot of very hideous things today"
MacGruber
"that are illegal, to be honest, very illegal."
MacGruber
"And I will not-- I'll overlook it."
MacGruber
"I'll just like, "Didn't happen.""
MacGruber
"- Sorry, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"Now, what do I want to start with?"
MacGruber
"Ah, this will do nicely."
MacGruber
"[tense music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"I'm gonna carve you up like a country ham."
MacGruber
"And I'm gonna take it nice and slow"
MacGruber
"so you can enjoy every second of it."
MacGruber
"- No, no, no. Please, don't do this."
MacGruber
"This isn't you. You're better than this."
MacGruber
"Be best. Be best."
MacGruber
"- How about little music?"
MacGruber
"It tends to cover the screaming."
MacGruber
"- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah."
MacGruber
"Constantine, bud, on your way to get that music going--"
MacGruber
"which by the way I agree"
MacGruber
"is a great way to cover up screaming--"
MacGruber
"could you pop into the other room and get me a little water,"
MacGruber
"you know, sparkling if you got it?"
MacGruber
"- Nice try, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"- Shit."
MacGruber
"- You know, after you blinded me in that explosion,"
MacGruber
"it took me years to recover."
MacGruber
"- [grunting]"
MacGruber
"The only thing that got me through was the thought"
MacGruber
"that one day I'd be able to deliver to you"
MacGruber
"as much pain"
MacGruber
"as you gave me over the last 11 years."
MacGruber
"[twangy version of "Skip To My Lou" playing]"
MacGruber
"Not my first choice, but I'll live."
MacGruber
"You on the other hand..."
MacGruber
"- * Guess who's out of his restraints *"
MacGruber
"And I know you can't see this, but..."
MacGruber
"- Fuck you too, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"- Well, I guess I'm gonna skedaddle on outta here."
MacGruber
"By the way, thanks for leaving that scalpel right by"
MacGruber
"where my fucking hands were,"
MacGruber
"you fucking dumbass."
MacGruber
"I mean, that was the biggest dipshit move,"
MacGruber
"and I cannot wait to tell Queeth about it"
MacGruber
"right before I rip out his throat"
MacGruber
"and take a major dump down his neck."
MacGruber
"You know what that's called, huh?"
MacGruber
"An upper-necker. Yeah."
MacGruber
"So, well, guess I should be going."
MacGruber
"Great to "see" you."
MacGruber
"And yes, that is a dig at the fact"
MacGruber
"that you don't have usable eyes anymore."
MacGruber
"Oh, and one more thing."
MacGruber
"I am totally pressing charges."
MacGruber
"Yeah."
MacGruber
"- [chuckles]"
MacGruber
"- So kiss my fucking butt,"
MacGruber
"'cause I am officially outta here."
MacGruber
"What the fuck?"
MacGruber
"- Maybe it's time we even the playing field."
MacGruber
"- Fuck."
MacGruber
"- * Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? *"
MacGruber
"- Fuck. Fuck."
MacGruber
"How the fuck do you get out of this place? Shit."
MacGruber
"- Hey, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"I went and got myself a little toy."
MacGruber
"- Holy shit. A fire gun."
MacGruber
"- A flamethrower. - Yeah, a flamethrower."
MacGruber
"- You know, the only good thing"
MacGruber
"about losing one of your senses?"
MacGruber
"The other ones grow much stronger."
MacGruber
"You can smell better."
MacGruber
"You can hear better."
MacGruber
"You can kill better."
MacGruber
"- Ahh!"
MacGruber
"[crickets chirping]"
MacGruber
"- It's the one with the ducks on the door."
MacGruber
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