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Clips from The Odd Couple (1970) - Oscar's Ulcer (S01E01)

"Company? That bunch can be called a lot of things, Felix,"
The Odd Couple (1970)
"but company's not one of them."
The Odd Couple (1970)
"They're here."
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"Hey, everybody."
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"Felix, we all rode here in Murray's squad car."
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"Yeah, I was off-duty."
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"I thought I'd give the guys a thrill."
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"Good evening, fellas."
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"Hiya, fellas."
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"Hi, Oscar."
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"Hi, Oscar, you, uh..."
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"Yeah! Fine. I'm fine!"
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"What's with the music?"
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"He didn't die, did he?"
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"No, no, Oscar's ulcer is just great, isn't it?"
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"You mean to tell me, I left"
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"a perfectly unhappy home to come to this?"
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"As your accountant, I'm happy you got an ulcer."
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"Doctor bills are deductible."
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"I always thought that only sensitive people got ulcers."
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"Thanks a lot, fellas."
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"Shut off the music, Felix?"
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"Okay, let's get started."
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"Where are the cards?"
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"You can't expect me to shuffle my fingers."
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"No poker tonight."
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"What? Are you kidding?"
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"Your friend Oscar happens to be very sick."
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"Now we can play poker"
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"and we can get Oscar all excited,"
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"or we can sit around and talk"
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"and help him on the road to recovery."
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"Oh, Felix, will you..."
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"Now, what's it going to be, fellas?"
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"Poker or Oscar's good health?"
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"Oscar's good health. Oscar's health."
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"Right."
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"Speed?"
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"I'm thinking, I'm thinking."
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"All right, we won't play poker."
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"But just for tonight!"
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"Felix, I promise not to get over-excited."
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"No poker."
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"What's the matter with sitting and talking for a change?"
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"You mean, talk like one of those talk shows?"
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"Get the cards. We'll draw for emcee."
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"Everybody let's form a nice"
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"conversational group around Oscar."
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"You'll see, it will be fun."
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"Murray, come on in."
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"You sit right down here on Oscar's right."
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"Speed sits there."
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"Vinnie, on Oscar's left."
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"That's nice, no, Vinnie"
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"no, Roy, you sit there."
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"That's it, good, good."
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"Vinnie, get a chair."
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"Good! Now isn't this fun?"
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"Speed, you start."
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"What will I talk about?"
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"Anything you like."
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"Oh, yeah."
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"When I was about ten years old,"
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"I was in this game with some of the older fellas"
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"and I was drawing to a full house."
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"I didn't have no money."
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"Speed, change the subject."
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"You said I could talk about anything."
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"Anything but poker."
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"Well, then I got nothing to talk about."
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"You don't have to raise your hand, Murray."
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"If you want to talk, talk."
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"I thought this would be interesting."
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"I was writing up a guy for jaywalking the other day"
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"when, all of a sudden,"
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"this girl comes driving by in a car"
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"and I swear she didn't have any clothes on."
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"You're kidding."
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"No, no clothes."
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"I'm sorry, Murray, no girls."
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"Those are the two subjects... No girls, no poker."
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"Just a little too exciting for Oscar's stomach."
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"Then what else is there to talk about?"
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"Would anyone be interested"
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"in how I got rid of our crabgrass?"
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"Get the cards, Felix."
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"Roy, how about you?"
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"I'm sure we'd all be interested in what happened at work."
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"Wouldn't we, fellas?"
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"Oh, sure, yeah."
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"Well, um... oh!"
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"We finally got our new L.M.X. Tabulator."
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"It's green and blue."
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"The old model was a dull steel gray."
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"The new model is a pretty little baby"
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"and it goes like the devil."
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"The tabulator key stuck at first,"
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"but the company sent out a man to fix it within an hour."
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"It was just a little adjustment."
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"Now, it goes like the devil."
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"Yeah, you know, we got"
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"a brand new L.M.X. electric typewriter at the station."
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"You ought to see Sergeant Romero on it."
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"I'll tell you, he can get out those reports"
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"in half the time it took him on the old typewriter."
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"Have you seen them?"
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"All the letters are on a little metal ball,"
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"you see, and it stays in one position,"
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"but it spins around to give you the letter you want"
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"and it goes like the devil... you know..."
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"Right, right."
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"Where are the cards, Felix?!"
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"Where are the cards?"
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"I hid them."
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"Then I'm getting out of here."
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"I can't take this craziness anymore."
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"Tabulators and crabgrass"
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"and..."
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"I want my freedom!"
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"Oscar, we're going to have icebox cookies and milk later!"
The Odd Couple (1970)
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