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Clips from The Mighty Boosh - Charlie (S01E01)

"Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir."
The Mighty Boosh
"- All right. - We've got a treat for you"
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"in the form of a very, very special friend of mine."
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"An actor, a great actor, who's agreed to play a part within the show."
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"- Not Simon McFarnaby. - Yeah, Simon McFarnaby."
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"One of the foremost exponents of devised theatre in the country."
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"You only get him in cos you think he'll put you in one of his devised 'pieces'."
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"- He might do that. What do you know? - I don't think so."
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"He's not working at the moment, so I though l'd get him in."
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"- I wonder why that is. - What?"
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"He looks a bit weird. He's all wooden. He looks like a conker."
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"What are you talking about? He's here now. Do you mind?"
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"Simon McFarnaby."
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"- Hi. - How are you?"
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"- I'm well. - You're looking great."
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"So, erm...are you working much at the moment?"
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"A bit quiet at the moment but I got something lined up for the autumn."
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"- Bet you have. - Hmm?"
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"So I just want to say that it's great to have you on the show."
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"Great to be working with you. I'm really looking forward to working with you."
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"- Thanks. I'll go and get Wanda. - All right."
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"Why don't you put your head in some vinegar?"
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"What?"
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"- He's just mucking around. - All right. OK. See you."
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"What are you doing? Get off."
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"Enjoy the show. Simon! Simon!"
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"..to the world of The Mighty Boosh."
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"# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh # The Mighty Boosh"
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"# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #"
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"Come on, Howard. Put some energy into it. Get involved."
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"I'm carrying a bucket of seed. How do I get involved in that?"
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"This is the best job in the zoo. Millet distribution."
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"- Something wrong with you. - What do you mean?"
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"You're always happy. Everything's fun."
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"You see a peanut, the day's off to a good start."
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"You witness some soil, it's a jamboree for Vince Noir."
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"- I need something more. - I think it's this poncho."
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"It's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho."
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"I'm gonna get a sombrero as well."
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"lmagine that. A poncho-sombrero combo."
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"I'll be off my tits on happiness. You should get one."
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"Takes more than a Mexican outfit and seed distribution to make me happy."
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"You know, Vince, this zoo's too small for me."
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"I'm a man of grand designs."
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"l need something more, something to stimulate my mind cogs."
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"You know what I'm gonna be? I'm gonna be a writer."
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"As if you're gonna be a writer. You haven't even got a pen."
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"You don't need a pen to be a writer."
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"- I think you do. - Yeah, I'm a deep thinker."
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"- I'm gonna be a novelist. - I write novels."
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"- What? - The Charlie books."
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"- The Charlie books? - Yeah."
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"- What, that pink shape you draw? - Yeah, Charlie."
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"(Vince) Charlie is genius. He's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum."
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"lmagine that. ln the summer of 1976,"
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"on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert,"
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"Charlie started to melt onto the pavement."
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"lt was too hot in LA and he melted like a pink bitch."
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"Luckily, there was Eric Philips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic."
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"He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slices."
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"He poured him into an antique soup ladle"
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"and boarded his magic carpet."
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"(Eric) Ha-ha! Hold on tight, Charlie."
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"Destination, Alaska."
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"Eric Philips decided to refreeze Charlie"
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"but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste,"
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"he refroze him into the shape of a Hoover."
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"(Eric) I wasn't thinking."
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"Charlie wasn't fazed, though. He just zoomed about the place,"
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"sucking up lnuits."
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"(Chuckles) Oh. The lnuits didn't mind."
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"They loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm belly pouch and refused to come out."
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"Charlie said, 'I'm cool with that.' And set fire to a posh hammer to make it official."
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"(Hammer) I appear to be on fire."
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"The downside was that the lnuits suffocated immediately."
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"lt was airtight in there."
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"Charlie panicked and fired the tiny lnuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers."
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"(Eric) After all I did for you!"
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"The green shape was frozen."
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"After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Philips'magic carpet and left for Seattle."
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"Charlie was racked with guilt. He'd killed 50 lnuits. No one needs that."
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"He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles on to boots,"
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"monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners."
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"That's not a novel. That's the scribblings of a retard, Vince."
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"- They are. They're novelettes. - It's in crayon, you berk."
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"- So what? I'm new school. - New school."
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"I'm talking about books that'll get published."
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"Mine are. I publish them myseIf."
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"You photocopy them and leave them in supermarkets inside Weetabix boxes."
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"That's not published, is it? Huh?"
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"l want to deal with real people. Real issues and real characters."
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"- Charlie's real. - Will you shut up about Charlie?"
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"- He's not real. - He is real."
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"- Stop saying that. - You're scared of Charlie."
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"- I'm not. - Why are you scared of him?"
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"- I'm not. - You don't need to be scared of him."
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"- I'm not scared of him. - Charlie's always been here."
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"- What? - He's always been with us."
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"Shut up. Stop that, all right? You know I don't like him."
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"- He likes you. - What do you mean, he likes me?"
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"- He thinks you're funny. - What do you mean? I'm not funny."
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"- Do you know what? - I'm serious."
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"He comes round when you're asleep, watches you, leans over your bed. OOh."
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"- You better shut up about Charlie. - You can't handle Charlie."
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"Yeah, well, have a look at Techno Mouse, see how he's doing."
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"(# Techno )"
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"- He's freaking out. - What's wrong with him?"
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"He had a gram of speed and two microdots."
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"Get him in the ambient hutch. Quick."
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"(# Ambient)"
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"Drink some water."
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"Oh, I tell you what, Vince. When I'm famous, I'll be out of this zoo."
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"I'll be mixing with the high society, living the high life."
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"- What about me? - l'd bring you along with me."
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"- You could come along with me. - Cool."
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"As a writer, l'd want to focus on the act of writing."
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"Wouldn't want to expend mental energy on mundane tasks like laundry,"
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"or emptying the rubbish and stuff, so you could do that for me."
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"- That would help me out. - Get stuffed."
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"You could come along and make tea for me"
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