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Clips from The Great North - Feast of Not People Adventure (S01E01)

"if the eggs weighed a couple hundred pounds."
The Great North
"Exactly. Dad and Uncle Brian"
The Great North
"are longtime reigning Daver Dash champions."
The Great North
"So, Dad, I-I guess since Uncle Brian moved to Anchorage,"
The Great North
"it's gonna be you and me as partners this year?"
The Great North
"Actually, I was thinking I've already won it"
The Great North
"so many times with Brian, maybe I'll just throw my hat"
The Great North
"in the teeth jar this year."
The Great North
"Or, you know, I-I know I'm no Uncle Brian,"
The Great North
"but you could try throwing your hat in the me jar?"
The Great North
"All right, I guess I could dash one more year."
The Great North
"Yeah! Team Tobin."
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"When I say "father," you say "son." Father!"
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"-Father. -We got this."
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"Oh, and Moon will no doubt want to be a cadaver again this year."
The Great North
"He's one of the best dead people in town."
The Great North
"Oh, that sounds interesting."
The Great North
"Maybe I'll sign up to be a cadaver, too."
The Great North
"Great! Well, I better start practicing for the dash."
The Great North
"-Care for a ride? -Sure. Legs, sit this one out."
The Great North
"Hey, Dad, you carry someone, too!"
The Great North
"Santiago, may I carry you?"
The Great North
"Me? Wow. It would be my pleasure."
The Great North
"I've never played a dead body before,"
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"but I made an amazing Rizzo"
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"at Almond Grove High's production of Grease."
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"The newspaper called my performance "serviceable.""
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"That won't help you here."
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"This isn't some shallow rendition of the '50s."
The Great North
"This is real life. This is death."
The Great North
"I'm not sure you could even be quiet for five seconds."
The Great North
"Easy. One, two, three, four, five."
The Great North
"Hmm. I should definitely train you."
The Great North
"All right, you can be my Obi-Dead Kenobi."
The Great North
"Oh, good. You guys are here."
The Great North
"So, Uncle Brian is 220 pounds of pure Alaskan stallion."
The Great North
"I'm 160 pounds of droopy pony."
The Great North
"Thus, I've got my body all mapped out"
The Great North
"and a solid plan to meet family standards"
The Great North
"by dash time."
The Great North
"Did you have to be nude?"
The Great North
"Relax. I drew someone else's penis in place of my own."
The Great North
"Step one: core."
The Great North
"Since you can't carry without a strong core-y,"
The Great North
"I've gone ahead and downloaded an app called abpp."
The Great North
"When it's not crashing my phone, it's working my zone."
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"Step two: bladder."
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"You don't want to be taking any bathroom breaks"
The Great North
"during the dash, so I'm gonna be upping my liqs--"
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"that's what I call my liquids--"
The Great North
"and stretching that blad."
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"That's what I call my bladdy, which is what I call my bladder."
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"And step three: hands."
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"Most Tobins' hands are, medically speaking,"
The Great North
"more similar to claws."
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"Me, I got a pair of soft-and-floppies"
The Great North
"just like Mom's, so what I did is bought Holdems."
The Great North
"High-traction gloves that guarantee superb grip."
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"One weekend seems like the perfect amount of time"
The Great North
"to make all of these ambitious changes to your body."
The Great North
"Soup's on! Not really soup,"
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"but if you want to cut up your hot dogs"
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"and put 'em in water, who am I to stop you?"
The Great North
"Oh, hello, Ham."
The Great North
"Is it okay if I eat dinner with you"
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"or are you having a private dinner, too? (chuckles)"
The Great North
"In case anyone is wondering what I'm talking about,"
The Great North
"Ham had a private lunch at school today without me"
The Great North
"for the first time ever."
The Great North
"But maybe he'd like to tell me now what it was."
The Great North
"-He would not. -Ooh, you know, I think I may have a lead"
The Great North
"on the Cake Lady."
The Great North
"I really, really doubt it!"
The Great North
"Okay. Calm down."
The Great North
"I am calm!"
The Great North
"I am a very calm person who does not want to talk"
The Great North
"about the Feast Cake or the Cake Lady"
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"or what I did at lunch."
The Great North
"Seems like there's a lot of topics"
The Great North
"that are off-limits."
The Great North
"Yeah, so maybe we should just not talk."
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"-What's on TV? -Diondra Tundra here"
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"with Mayor Peppers, doing a deep dive"
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"-into this year's Feast Cake. -Oh, no."
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"Our Cake Lady countdown clock is ticking away."
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"(loud ticking)"
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"-(gags) -Son, are you all right?"
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"Do you need the barf basket?"
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"DIONDRA: Can the new Cake Lady"
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"live up to last year's"
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"unforgettable "Thanksgiving Dinner"
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"with All the Fixins Cake"?"
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"-Nope! -Ham, what is going on?"
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"(exhales) All right, fine. I can't take it anymore."
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"She's me, okay?"
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"-The new Cake Lady is me! She's me! -(gasping)"
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"She's me, she's me, she's me, she's me, she's me. I'm her."
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"-Ham, you're the Cake Lady? -Busted."
The Great North
"Wait, so that means my Jackson Pollock birthday cake"
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"-splattered with candied pollock? -Me."
The Great North
"The nasal cake for the Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic's anniversary,"
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"with those golden raisin boogers?"
The Great North
"Mm-hmm. The Bundt cake for the Little League championship game,"
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"the upsetting but ultimately very delicious"
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"Death By Chocolate cake for the funeral home."
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"-All of it, me. -But how?"
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"I do it at night. I say my "sleep tights""
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"and give my bedbug warnings"
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"and then I head down to the kitchen"
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"and Cake Lady till morn."
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"But, Ham, how could you not have told me?"
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"Did you just wake up one day and think,"
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""Hmm, I guess I'm going to become the Cake Lady"
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"and not tell my sister about it"?"
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"No, I just... (exhales) I didn't tell anyone."
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"I found the Cake Lady's last order still tacked to the tree"
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"and I thought, "I've always loved cake."
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"Maybe I could make one.""
The Great North
"Oof. That is almost exactly how I came to be in charge"
The Great North
"of the town dump for a brief time in the '90s."
The Great North
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