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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to the Doctor! (S01E01)

Are you serious?

"Are you serious?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You just reverse the camera and press the button.

"You just reverse the camera and press the button."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, no.

"Oh, no."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, you have to hold the camera high

"No, you have to hold the camera high"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to keep your chin up.

"to keep your chin up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then make a kissy mouth.

"Then make a kissy mouth."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then think about baby ducks, so your eyes look kind.

"Then think about baby ducks, so your eyes look kind."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.

"And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Is this what my face looks like now?

"Is this what my face looks like now?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's what I say when I look in the mirror every morning.

"That's what I say when I look in the mirror every morning."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You know, when I used to get really sad

"You know, when I used to get really sad"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

in the place where I used to live,

"in the place where I used to live,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I would smile and jump up and down

"I would smile and jump up and down"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and say, "I'm not really here. I'm not really here."

"and say, "I'm not really here. I'm not really here.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, I don't know that one.

"Oh, I don't know that one."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not really here. I'm not really here.

"I'm not really here. I'm not really here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You have enough for a book here.

"You have enough for a book here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not really here!

"I'm not really here!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not really here!

"I'm not really here!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, God. Why?

"Oh, God. Why?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Buhbreeze. Cover it up.

"Buhbreeze. Cover it up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical

"Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen, the show billed

"Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen, the show billed"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

as "the most flying Spidermen ever assembled

"as "the most flying Spidermen ever assembled"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

on one stage."

"on one stage.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Change the channel. I can't get news from a woman.

"Change the channel. I can't get news from a woman."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This afternoon, six cast members were critically injured

"This afternoon, six cast members were critically injured"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

at the hands of Spiderman's greatest foes...

"at the hands of Spiderman's greatest foes..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Gravity and floors.

"Gravity and floors."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In true Broadway fashion, producers insist

"In true Broadway fashion, producers insist"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that the injured actors will be replaced

"that the injured actors will be replaced"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and the show will go on.

"and the show will go on."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is it. This is my chance.

"This is it. This is my chance."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Are you kidding me?

"Are you kidding me?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That show is a death sentence.

"That show is a death sentence."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Exactly. Most actors will be scared away,

"Exactly. Most actors will be scared away,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but not Titus Andromedon, whose biggest credit to date

"but not Titus Andromedon, whose biggest credit to date"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is that Bum Fights DVD.

"is that Bum Fights DVD."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I could actually get a part on Broadway.

"I could actually get a part on Broadway."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can't support this.

"I can't support this."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I will not bury another beautiful black man.

"I will not bury another beautiful black man."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You know my dear husband Roland was killed

"You know my dear husband Roland was killed"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

in our very own apartment.

"in our very own apartment."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, I've heard this story before.

"Yes, I've heard this story before."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He got up to go to the bathroom

"He got up to go to the bathroom"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

in the middle of the night, and on his way back to bed,

"in the middle of the night, and on his way back to bed,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

he was shot in the face.

"he was shot in the face."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

By you, Lillian.

"By you, Lillian."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, it was dark out,

"Well, it was dark out,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and a black guy was trying to get in bed with me.

"and a black guy was trying to get in bed with me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It was the '70s.

"It was the '70s."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Point is, I will have nothing to do

"Point is, I will have nothing to do"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

with this audition of yours.

"with this audition of yours."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Fine. I'll get Kimmy to help me.

"Fine. I'll get Kimmy to help me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who needs you, anyway?

"Who needs you, anyway?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Can I borrow $5, a lint brush, a stick of gum, and your shoes?

"Can I borrow $5, a lint brush, a stick of gum, and your shoes?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah.

"Yeah."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Listen, Kimmy,

"Listen, Kimmy,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'cause I only have the blood sugar to say this once.

"'cause I only have the blood sugar to say this once."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If I'm going to get an audition,

"If I'm going to get an audition,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I need head shots that show range,

"I need head shots that show range,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

specifically, a fine composite head shot like this flawless one

"specifically, a fine composite head shot like this flawless one"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

of Tony Danza that I borrowed from my dry cleaners.

"of Tony Danza that I borrowed from my dry cleaners."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Whoa.

"Whoa."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We only have one shot at this.

"We only have one shot at this."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I will have approximately three seconds

"I will have approximately three seconds"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

between flashes to transform characters.

"between flashes to transform characters."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

As soon as you see the light, you hand me the next costume,

"As soon as you see the light, you hand me the next costume,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

even if I scream no.

"even if I scream no."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Even if I beg you to stop,

"Even if I beg you to stop,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

hand me the next costume.

"hand me the next costume."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

See you on the other side.

"See you on the other side."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No!

"No!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is impossible.

"This is impossible."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The beard.

"The beard."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You're looking at a genius.

"You're looking at a genius."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh...

"Oh..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mrs. Voorhees, have you sent that selfie of me?

"Mrs. Voorhees, have you sent that selfie of me?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Can we use this one I made at the arcade instead?

"Can we use this one I made at the arcade instead?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's what my and Titus's baby would look like.

"It's what my and Titus's baby would look like."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, that's upsetting.

"Oh, that's upsetting."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What's wrong with your other picture?

"What's wrong with your other picture?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't like it. I didn't realize how old I look now.

"I don't like it. I didn't realize how old I look now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You don't know what you look like?

"You don't know what you look like?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How do you know your self-worth?

"How do you know your self-worth?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I guess I just was never one of those girls

"I guess I just was never one of those girls"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

who looked in the mirror all the time.

"who looked in the mirror all the time."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Your hair is brown with different brown in it.

"Your hair is brown with different brown in it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Your eyes are green with grayish flecks.

"Your eyes are green with grayish flecks."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And your nose is super skinny.

"And your nose is super skinny."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yay!

"Yay!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey, Kimmy, you want me to be your mirror now?

"Hey, Kimmy, you want me to be your mirror now?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Nah, I'm good.

"Nah, I'm good."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can see myself if I move fast enough.

"I can see myself if I move fast enough."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ugh, now I can't stop looking at these lines here.

"Ugh, now I can't stop looking at these lines here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I hate them.

"I hate them."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Outside in, Kimmy. I don't have time right now.

"Outside in, Kimmy. I don't have time right now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dr. Franff said called and said he could see me immediately,

"Dr. Franff said called and said he could see me immediately,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so I'm heading over.

"so I'm heading over."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Carry my purse and this bag with sneakers.

"Carry my purse and this bag with sneakers."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, no, what's wrong?

"Oh, no, what's wrong?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll figure it out.

"I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll figure it out."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm sure he'll figure it out.

"I'm sure he'll figure it out."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dr. Franff is the best plastic surgeon in Manhattan.

"Dr. Franff is the best plastic surgeon in Manhattan."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sidney built Mariah Carey from scratch.

"Sidney built Mariah Carey from scratch."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Excuse me? - Mm-hmm?

"- Excuse me? - Mm-hmm?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Is this the line for Spidermen auditions?

"Is this the line for Spidermen auditions?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yep, can you believe all these weirdos.

"Yep, can you believe all these weirdos."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, well, well...

"Well, well, well..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

this is rich.

"this is rich."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Coriolanus Burt...

"Coriolanus Burt..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I haven't seen you in years.

"I haven't seen you in years."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No? You didn't catch my turn on SVU?

"No? You didn't catch my turn on SVU?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I must've blinked and missed it.

"I must've blinked and missed it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Really?

"Really?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You missed my performance as the guy who, at the end,

"You missed my performance as the guy who, at the end,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

turned out to have done it?

"turned out to have done it?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look at us...

"Look at us..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Me just passing by on my way to tape a podcast

"Me just passing by on my way to tape a podcast"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and you standing in line for an open call

"and you standing in line for an open call"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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