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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to the Doctor! (S01E01)

for a play directed by the third Affleck brother...

"for a play directed by the third Affleck brother..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Myron.

"Myron."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, my agent set this up...

"Look, my agent set this up..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Titus, if you're in this line, you don't have an agent.

"Titus, if you're in this line, you don't have an agent."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Excuse me, I have to take this.

"Excuse me, I have to take this."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hello?

"Hello?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, I am happy with my long-distance service...

"Yes, I am happy with my long-distance service..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

very happy.

"very happy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Wait, the sign says "Dr. Grant."

"Wait, the sign says "Dr. Grant.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, but Sid pronounces it "Franff."

"Yes, but Sid pronounces it "Franff.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

These people are already pretty.

"These people are already pretty."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why are they even here?

"Why are they even here?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look at her hands.

"Look at her hands."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mm-hmm.

"Mm-hmm."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Would you like a water? - Yes.

"- Would you like a water? - Yes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, thank you.

"No, thank you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Plastic surgeons look at feet?

"Plastic surgeons look at feet?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, yes.

"Oh, yes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Feet are the new butts, Kimmy.

"Feet are the new butts, Kimmy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dr. Franff is here.

"Dr. Franff is here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Jacqueline, you look fantastic.

"Jacqueline, you look fantastic."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Thank you, Sidney.

"Thank you, Sidney."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Would you like TV while we work?

"Would you like TV while we work?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What do you want to watch? CNN, pornography?

"What do you want to watch? CNN, pornography?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, Thank you, Sidney.

"No, Thank you, Sidney."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't have time for the works today.

"I don't have time for the works today."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I just wanted to talk to you about my toes.

"I just wanted to talk to you about my toes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

As you know, Julian loves my feet,

"As you know, Julian loves my feet,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

for sex reasons.

"for sex reasons."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm just not feeling good about them for some reason.

"I'm just not feeling good about them for some reason."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, we can do a toenail re-sizing.

"Well, we can do a toenail re-sizing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You can have a foot face-lift, or you can toe tuck them.

"You can have a foot face-lift, or you can toe tuck them."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Well, which do you recommend? - I cannot choose.

"- Well, which do you recommend? - I cannot choose."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's like asking me which one of my children's placentas

"That's like asking me which one of my children's placentas"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

was the most delicious.

"was the most delicious."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hold on.

"Hold on."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who's this?

"Who's this?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What interesting skin you have.

"What interesting skin you have."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Oh. - Look at that.

"- Oh. - Look at that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Thank you.

"Thank you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Absolutely no sun damage.

"Absolutely no sun damage."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But you've clearly experienced a tremendous amount of stress.

"But you've clearly experienced a tremendous amount of stress."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What?

"What?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Are you a coal miner, submarine captain?

"Are you a coal miner, submarine captain?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- No. - Huh.

"- No. - Huh."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Because you have very distinct scream lines.

"Because you have very distinct scream lines."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Where did those come from, I wonder.

"Where did those come from, I wonder."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know.

"I don't know."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Too many fun roller coasters maybe?

"Too many fun roller coasters maybe?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Either way, your problems are easy to fig.

"Either way, your problems are easy to fig."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This brow furrow, zap.

"This brow furrow, zap."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And these frown lines, we'll flump-up, you know.

"And these frown lines, we'll flump-up, you know."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Oh, I don't need all that. - Oh.

"- Oh, I don't need all that. - Oh."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who am I? Pamela Lee?

"Who am I? Pamela Lee?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What about those scream lines, Kimmy?

"What about those scream lines, Kimmy?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I know they were bothering you.

"I know they were bothering you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Those, we can inject with the R.E.O. cream,

"Those, we can inject with the R.E.O. cream,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and instantly gone.

"and instantly gone."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- You can do that? - Yeah.

"- You can do that? - Yeah."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Of course he or she can.

"Of course he or she can."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can do that right now.

"I can do that right now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Do it.

"Do it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, Kimmy, I'm so excited for you.

"Oh, Kimmy, I'm so excited for you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Joy comes from the outside in.

"Joy comes from the outside in."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- What, dear? - I'm sorry?

"- What, dear? - I'm sorry?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm sorry. I still don't have it.

"I'm sorry. I still don't have it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Pardon?

"Pardon?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was saying that we now validate parking,

"I was saying that we now validate parking,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

if that's important to you guys at all.

"if that's important to you guys at all."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh.

"Oh."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, who's that girl?

"Oh, who's that girl?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What? I didn't do anything? Got some sun but...

"What? I didn't do anything? Got some sun but..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not talking to you, dear.

"I'm not talking to you, dear."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm watching Jeopardy!

"I'm watching Jeopardy!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The category is "Worst Madonna Songs."

"The category is "Worst Madonna Songs.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This 1987 one is terrible.

"This 1987 one is terrible."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That was humiliating. I'm never auditioning again.

"That was humiliating. I'm never auditioning again."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Aw, did you screw the pooch?

"Aw, did you screw the pooch?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Know how that expression originated?

"Know how that expression originated?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It wasn't anything clever at all.

"It wasn't anything clever at all."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

There was this guy and a dog...

"There was this guy and a dog..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Lillian, I'm trying to tell a story.

"Lillian, I'm trying to tell a story."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So there I am, standing in line for this cattle call,

"So there I am, standing in line for this cattle call,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I run into Coriolanus Burt.

"and I run into Coriolanus Burt."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, no! Right?

"Oh, no! Right?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My nemesis, the man who stole my career.

"My nemesis, the man who stole my career."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

When I first moved here, they were doing

"When I first moved here, they were doing"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

an all-black production of Oklahoma!

"an all-black production of Oklahoma!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Called Alabama!

"Called Alabama!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Coriolanus Burt and I went head-to-head,

"Coriolanus Burt and I went head-to-head,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

down to the final call-back,

"down to the final call-back,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

for the role of Sharecropper Number Two/Cow.

"for the role of Sharecropper Number Two/Cow."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Just as I was about to hit the women's high C

"Just as I was about to hit the women's high C"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

in People Will Say We's in Love,

"in People Will Say We's in Love,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Coriolanus runs on stage and yells,

"Coriolanus runs on stage and yells,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"Oh, my God. They shot Versace."

""Oh, my God. They shot Versace.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, rude!

"I mean, rude!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- And guess who got the part? - You?

"- And guess who got the part? - You?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A third party that wasn't in the story?

"A third party that wasn't in the story?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No!

"No!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That should have been my big break.

"That should have been my big break."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And now he's walking around in shoes and socks

"And now he's walking around in shoes and socks"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

like a big shot.

"like a big shot."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And look at me...

"And look at me..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Talented, dashing, transcending,

"Talented, dashing, transcending,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but no career, no agent, and just the one sock.

"but no career, no agent, and just the one sock."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It isn't good to hold on to things like that.

"It isn't good to hold on to things like that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You have to work from the outside in.

"You have to work from the outside in."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, if I can get rid of my scream lines...

"I mean, if I can get rid of my scream lines..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Diva, I thought you looked real rested.

"Diva, I thought you looked real rested."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then anything is possible.

"Then anything is possible."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Tomorrow we are going to put on our fanciest clothes,

"Tomorrow we are going to put on our fanciest clothes,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

go down to the biggest agency,

"go down to the biggest agency,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and do a series of leg and arm poses

"and do a series of leg and arm poses"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to project confidence and get you an agent.

"to project confidence and get you an agent."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

All right! I'll try it.

"All right! I'll try it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He's here to see an agent, please.

"He's here to see an agent, please."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What are we doing exactly?

"What are we doing exactly?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Trust me.

"Trust me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If you're confident on the outside,

"If you're confident on the outside,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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