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Clips from Arrested Development - Shock and Aww (S01E01)

"Michael Bluth was infatuated with his brother's girlfriend, Marta..."
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"a Spanish-language soap opera star."
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"But when he found out she was interested in a man named Hermano, he confronted her."
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"Unfortunately, he discovered too late..."
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"that hermano in Spanish meant brother,"
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"and the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself."
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"This was distracting Michael the next day when he went to meet his father's attorney at prison."
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"Look, there is nothing to it. It's an arraignment."
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"They announce the charges. However, it would help if you all showed up..."
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"Iooking like a loving, supportive family."
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"- For how long? - Ten minutes, tops."
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"See if you can get it down to five."
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"You know, maybe I should confess these crimes, save everybody the trouble."
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"Oh, get off the mount. You're coming home, guilty or somehow found not guilty."
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"Hello?"
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"What the hell is going on? I'm waiting to hear about Marta and this Hermano guy."
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"Yeah, I checked it out. I do not think that she's cheating."
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"- I'm going over to Marta's. - No, no, no. Don't do that, okay?"
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"just lay low, be cool and I'll talk to her again."
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"- That way you won't look so desperate, you know? - You're a good guy, mon frËre."
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"That means brother in French."
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"I don't know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish."
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"So Michael went to speak with Marta..."
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"about the misunderstanding from the night before."
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"- I owe you an apology. - No, I owe you an apology."
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"I'm so ashamed that I was so disrespectful to your brother."
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"Oh, who cares? Nobody respects him."
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"You see, Marta, I have been interested in you since the first day that we met."
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"Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years."
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"- Really? - Yeah. Yeah."
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"Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster."
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"It doesn't matter."
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"We live by a code, you and l... to honor family."
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"Buster. Buster."
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"Yes. That's one of the things that attracted me to you... your sense of right and wrong."
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"Hey-Hey. Whoa, whoa. Buster!"
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"I also like your hair and your face and your breasts."
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"Hey, Brother."
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"- You're so unlike your brother. - Oh, thank you."
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"I don't think us sleeping together is working out."
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"- Gob is like the cock of the walk. But not you. - You are so kind."
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"You're a grown man. You should be living with your mother."
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"- You're sensitive, like a woman. - That's enough."
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"- Yeah, I miss Mom. - I can tell."
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"We do have to do the right thing."
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"- Hey, good morning. What are you doing? - It's my ethics essay."
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"- And being together is the wrong thing. - Very, very..."
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"I'm supposed to write 200 words on the morality of war..."
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"wrong."
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"whether a preemptive strike is ever justified."
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"- Is that Gob? - He likes to make love to this."
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"Absolutely. It's preemptive, you know, happens before something else. So..."
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"- I'm gonna turn this off. - Please."
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"if you can predict aggression and you wanna squash it..."
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"Oh!"
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"I don't know why you're not typing? This is all good."
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"- Gob's wand. - Oh, this... this is so wrong."
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"I'm not sure if my ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay."
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"- Yes. - No, no, no. Not-Not-Not... Not... Not hot wrong."
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"Well, you just passed my ethics test."
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"- You know, regular wrong. I gotta tell Gob. - No, I have to tell him."
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"In fact, George Michael had developed a hopeless crush..."
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"Yes, but you speak a little slowly, and I really want to get this thing moving along."
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"on his ethics teacher, a woman named Beth Baerly."
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"So, listen, you do the noble thing, and you tell him that you've met somebody else."
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"Even minor crimes are punishable..."
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"I'm gonna do the noble thing and tell him that it's me."
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"by brutally chopping off the offender's hand."
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"While I'm doing my noble thing you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand..."
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"Mmm. No ring."
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"and we can do the wrong thing the right way."
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"- Can't wait to meet her at Parent-Teacher Night. - Oh yeah. Dad, hey, Dad..."
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"And Maeby was getting tired ofher parents'constant fighting."
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"- try to remember everything she says about me, all right? - Okay."
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"I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it."
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"Michael."
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"Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that!"
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"I need you to do something about my son."
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"That's my point, you handsome cowboy, you."
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"I totally agree, Mom. Buster goes home, we flip the mattress..."
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"Oh, great. And now you're mocking me, you selfish, country-music-loving lady."
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"- this never happened. - Not Buster. Read this."
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"Did you and Dad adopt a child?"
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"Hello, Maeby."
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"Nice cover. Why don't you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?"
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"The S.E.C. was onto us."
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"The night before, Tobias and Lindsay had chosen to sleep in separate rooms..."
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"Your father thought it would make us look charitable."
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"He must have forged my signature."
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"and Tobias had dropped an intriguing bit of information."
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"Well, maybe I'll get a son who will..."
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"And then, of course, we couldn't conceive, so there was that famous ordeal."
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"finish his cottage cheese!"
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"What do you mean, you couldn't conceive? Was Maeby adopted?"
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"Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know?"
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"You've got to get me out of this."
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"George Michael never got an answer. - It's Carl Weathers."
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"I'll call Social Services, but you must take Buster back."
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"- Okay. - Great."
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"So he set about doing some investigating on his own."
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"- Hey, have you ever seen any pictures of your mom pregnant? - Don't talk to me about my mom."
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"But I'm not taking care of him either."
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"She's crazy. Both of them are."
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"I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore."
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"- Sometimes I wish we weren't even related. - Hey, you know, maybe we're not."
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"Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?"
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"Because, I mean, when you think about it, we don't even really look like each other."
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"Kind of?"
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"No, I was talking about my parents."
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"- Hello. - Michael."
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"God, what's wrong with this family?"
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"I've got a couple of girls here."
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"Maybe we're not a family."
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"A couple of fun girls..."
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"And maybe that's very, very right. We..."
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"- I thought I'd bring you in on. - Oh, I don't know, Gob."
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"Uncle Gob. Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?"
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"Come on, Michael. So we had a little disagreement."
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"Oh, yeah. Dozens of times. Hey, is your dad around, or..."
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"Recently, Gob had discovered that Michael..."
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