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Clips from Silicon Valley - Third Party Insourcing (S01E01)

"Kidney function, liver function, testosterone... I don't know how you did it,"
Silicon Valley
"but you have essentially aged 40 years in the last seven weeks."
Silicon Valley
"Wow. Really?"
Silicon Valley
"We had a meth addict in here this morning"
Silicon Valley
"who was biologically younger than you are, and he's 58."
Silicon Valley
"MySpace guy."
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"So what is going on?"
Silicon Valley
"Uh... It's this cloud service configuration,"
Silicon Valley
"- I've been stuck on it for over a week. - Wow."
Silicon Valley
"I'm a good programmer. I mean, it's the only thing I am good at."
Silicon Valley
"I mean, last year, I threw a Frisbee and it chipped my tooth."
Silicon Valley
"That's more of a dental issue."
Silicon Valley
"Yup, OK, I..."
Silicon Valley
"The point is, I learned Ruby on Rails over a weekend when I was 17."
Silicon Valley
"I should be able to learn cloud, I have to."
Silicon Valley
"Can I give you my professional opinion, as your doctor?"
Silicon Valley
"You should have taken that ten million dollars from Gavin Belson, OK?"
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"But regrets will kill ya so try not to dwell on it."
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"I tried to tell you."
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"Outside help? No, we're not getting any outside help."
Silicon Valley
"It's a week until TechCrunch, Richard. We can't wait any longer."
Silicon Valley
"Richard, look at the board."
Silicon Valley
"OK, cloud architecture is just a giant turd that is clogging up our pipes."
Silicon Valley
"We have to call in a plumber to fix it."
Silicon Valley
"OK, I hate that metaphor, but Erlich is right."
Silicon Valley
"Gilfoyle and I finished the distribution services days ago"
Silicon Valley
"and we're just sitting around waiting for you."
Silicon Valley
"- I can solve it. - Richard, you're a fucking rock star, OK?"
Silicon Valley
"You just don't know cloud,"
Silicon Valley
"this tiny, little, shitty area,"
Silicon Valley
"which is becoming super important,"
Silicon Valley
"and in many ways is the future of computing."
Silicon Valley
"That sort of went south on me, but you understand what I'm saying."
Silicon Valley
"I've already talked to Peter Gregory about insourcing a consultant."
Silicon Valley
"I've made contact with a programmer whose cloud architecture"
Silicon Valley
"is supposed to be insane. They call him The Carver."
Silicon Valley
"The Carver? That Black Hat guy who apparently hacked into the Bank of America"
Silicon Valley
"and took down their entire system, that The Carver?"
Silicon Valley
"We should get him if we can."
Silicon Valley
"OK, we can talk to the guy,"
Silicon Valley
"but, I mean, he's really gonna have to sell me."
Silicon Valley
"Six months ago, these guys had 35 million and Series B Financing."
Silicon Valley
"Now The Carver's here doing teardown."
Silicon Valley
"He's basically moving their carcass to the cloud."
Silicon Valley
"Don't touch anything. Failure is contagious."
Silicon Valley
"I think that's him."
Silicon Valley
"Excuse me, Mr. Carver?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, uh, people refer to me as The Carver,"
Silicon Valley
"but no one actually calls me that, it's what people call a screen name."
Silicon Valley
"You know. I'm Kevin."
Silicon Valley
"OK, Kevin, um, we're from Pied Piper, we spoke earlier."
Silicon Valley
"- Yeah, so you guys are fucked, huh? - No. No, we're not fucked."
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"Yes, we are totally fucked."
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"We have a live demo in one week and our cloud is in the shitter."
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"- That's accurate. - Wait, are you Richard?"
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"Yes, I am."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, your algorithm is solid. It's a really good schema."
Silicon Valley
"OK, thanks."
Silicon Valley
"I did think you'd be younger. What are you, 25?"
Silicon Valley
"Twenty-six."
Silicon Valley
"Yikes."
Silicon Valley
"Uh, so I have a Model U.N. thing on Monday,"
Silicon Valley
"but maybe I could burn through your gig over the weekend."
Silicon Valley
"Mmm. You think you can do our whole job in two days?"
Silicon Valley
"I know I can do it in two days."
Silicon Valley
"I pound Mello Yello, Oreos and Adderall and I don't sleep until I'm done."
Silicon Valley
"OK."
Silicon Valley
"But you know what? I also have an offer to do some migration at Gittawonk this weekend."
Silicon Valley
"It's... It's kind of chill,"
Silicon Valley
"and frankly, their tech's a little stronger."
Silicon Valley
"Whoa. What? What?"
Silicon Valley
"You think Gittawonk's tech is stronger than ours?"
Silicon Valley
"I'm sorry, I don't remember reading in PandoDaily"
Silicon Valley
"that Gavin Belson and Peter Gregory were fighting over Gittawonk."
Silicon Valley
"No one offered ten million dollars to acquire Gittawonk."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, I agree with Richard, you should come work for us."
Silicon Valley
"- What... No... - What's it gonna take, a blow-job?"
Silicon Valley
"Because Richard will suck the dick right off of your pelvis."
Silicon Valley
"Now you make me laugh, shaggy man."
Silicon Valley
"All right, I'm in."
Silicon Valley
"I'll see you guys Friday."
Silicon Valley
"OK."
Silicon Valley
"- Well done. - Yeah."
Silicon Valley
"Excuse me. Hi, um, would you guys be interested"
Silicon Valley
"in buying some candy so you can send my church group to camp?"
Silicon Valley
"Nope."
Silicon Valley
"Hundred bucks says there's no church."
Silicon Valley
"Whole thing's a scam, little scumbags."
Silicon Valley
"They're just children."
Silicon Valley
"Looks like Gilfoyle and his lady Satanist are back from the airport."
Silicon Valley
"Can you imagine what kind of shit-show this one's gonna be?"
Silicon Valley
"He says that she has an Amy Winehouse vibe."
Silicon Valley
"What does that mean? All tatted-up and nowhere to go."
Silicon Valley
"- Hooked on OxyContin? - Decomposing?"
Silicon Valley
"Oh. Oh, OK, that was dark."
Silicon Valley
"Gentlemen, this is Tara."
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"- Hi. - Tara, this is the fellas:"
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"Jared, Dinesh, Erlich and Richard."
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"- It's Erlich. - It's great to finally meet you guys."
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"Hi."
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"All right."
Silicon Valley
"Jesus, where did he get Amy Winehouse from?"
Silicon Valley
"I mean, I'd have sex with that if you hose the Gilfoyle off of her."
Silicon Valley
"It's weird having a girl in the house. There's a very strange energy."
Silicon Valley
"Hm."
Silicon Valley
"Hello... Kevin."
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"OK, Richard, I just need you to approve Kevin's fee."
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"I got Erlich to sign and you sign right there."
Silicon Valley
"Twenty thousand dollars for two days."
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"You know who else thought my price was too high? Bitraptor."
Silicon Valley
"Who?"
Silicon Valley
"Exactly."
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"Great. Peter Gregory is on his way out of town so I'm gonna hustle out there"
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"and get him to co-sign these and the check and I'll be back as soon as I can."
Silicon Valley
"Thank you."
Silicon Valley
"You OK over there? You have any questions...?"
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"Yeah, one question."
Silicon Valley
"Cool. Shoot."
Silicon Valley
"Why do you keep your lips pressed so tight together when you're not talking?"
Silicon Valley
"'Cause they're like white."
Silicon Valley
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