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Clips from Silicon Valley - Binding Arbitration (S02E02)

"I haven't had a girlfriend in, like, three years."
Silicon Valley
"A boyfriend?"
Silicon Valley
"No. I'm not gay, just busy."
Silicon Valley
"We're not litigating your sexuality."
Silicon Valley
"That's good, yeah."
Silicon Valley
"It's a good thing, too, because if we were,"
Silicon Valley
"we'd all end up in prison. Am I right?"
Silicon Valley
"No offense."
Silicon Valley
"Here, I did a first pass. Let me know what you think."
Silicon Valley
"Just a few questions for you to ask me while I'm on the stand."
Silicon Valley
"It's rough clay. We can shape it as we go."
Silicon Valley
"You realize I have no intention of ever putting you on the stand?"
Silicon Valley
"What? Why not?"
Silicon Valley
"Well, I just don't think you have anything to offer the case."
Silicon Valley
"They're trying to say that Pied Piper was created at Hooli,"
Silicon Valley
"whereas I'm living proof that it was created here in my incubator."
Silicon Valley
"I nurtured Richard like a little baby."
Silicon Valley
"I was his patron, like the Borgias with Da Vinci."
Silicon Valley
"Actually, the Medici were Da Vinci's patrons."
Silicon Valley
"The Borgias poisoned people."
Silicon Valley
"Say Medici again. Medici."
Silicon Valley
"- Shut the fuck up. - That's how you pronounce it."
Silicon Valley
"Let's be clear, okay? The burden of proof"
Silicon Valley
"falls on Hooli here. And they have none."
Silicon Valley
"You have a Barrett 50-caliber rifle at your disposal"
Silicon Valley
"that you can use to shoot Gavin Belson in the goddamn face."
Silicon Valley
"And you're not gonna use it? What kind of fucking attorney are you?"
Silicon Valley
"Well, technically, I can't refer to myself as an attorney"
Silicon Valley
"until I'm reinstated"
Silicon Valley
"and make restitution to my victims' families."
Silicon Valley
"I'm a lawyer. And I'm a good one."
Silicon Valley
"And if you know one end of a Barrett 50-cal from the other,"
Silicon Valley
"I'll eat a bowl of shit."
Silicon Valley
"Did you get a taste for that on the inside, hmm?"
Silicon Valley
"Hey, guys, it's been almost two weeks"
Silicon Valley
"since the mother condor has been to the nest."
Silicon Valley
"Do you think something may be wrong with the egg?"
Silicon Valley
"Something is. It's on our website."
Silicon Valley
"No, really. I mean,"
Silicon Valley
"I think maybe I should call the museum, see if this is normal."
Silicon Valley
"Jared, you want that egg to be alive, right?"
Silicon Valley
"- Of course. - Well, right now,"
Silicon Valley
"because you don't know whether it is or not, it exists in both states,"
Silicon Valley
"like Schrodinger's cat."
Silicon Valley
"Like what?"
Silicon Valley
"It's a quantum mechanics thought experiment"
Silicon Valley
"that an Austrian physicist came up with"
Silicon Valley
"to help understand quantum states."
Silicon Valley
"So he imagined putting a cat"
Silicon Valley
"into a box with poisoned food."
Silicon Valley
"There's a 50/50 chance the cat eats it."
Silicon Valley
"That does sound rather Austrian."
Silicon Valley
"So, according to Schrodinger, if you open the box"
Silicon Valley
"and confirm that the cat is dead,"
Silicon Valley
"then in a sense, you've killed the cat."
Silicon Valley
"Or if you call the museum and get the information,"
Silicon Valley
"then you've killed the egg."
Silicon Valley
"No, that's silly."
Silicon Valley
"Is it?"
Silicon Valley
"Okay."
Silicon Valley
"I'm just gonna think about it for a minute."
Silicon Valley
"Richard."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah?"
Silicon Valley
"- We have a problem. - What's up?"
Silicon Valley
"You and I are going into arbitration tomorrow."
Silicon Valley
"I need you to look me right in the eye"
Silicon Valley
"and tell me why you've been lying to me."
Silicon Valley
"I haven't been lying to you."
Silicon Valley
"You told me you haven't had a girlfriend for three years."
Silicon Valley
"I have found at least 15 emails to Nelson Bighetti"
Silicon Valley
"in the last year where you reference a girlfriend."
Silicon Valley
"Spent the day in bed with my girlfriend."
Silicon Valley
"A homeless guy in the coffee shop"
Silicon Valley
"almost stole my girlfriend."
Silicon Valley
"It's a joke. Big Head and I..."
Silicon Valley
"We call my laptop my girlfriend"
Silicon Valley
"because it's the only warm thing"
Silicon Valley
"that's touched my crotch in a little while."
Silicon Valley
"So when you said, quote,"
Silicon Valley
"My girlfriend shit the bed last night,"
Silicon Valley
"that was your laptop?"
Silicon Valley
"Laptop, yeah."
Silicon Valley
"Well, that's good to hear."
Silicon Valley
"Oh, wait a minute."
Silicon Valley
"Wait a minute. Wait a minute."
Silicon Valley
"Now listen to this."
Silicon Valley
"April 10th, 11:14 P.M."
Silicon Valley
"Taking my girlfriend to the Apple store."
Silicon Valley
"April 12th, 3:42 P.M."
Silicon Valley
"Picking my girlfriend up at the mall."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, so?"
Silicon Valley
"So your laptop was in the shop for three days, right?"
Silicon Valley
"The 10th through the 12th, right?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, and?"
Silicon Valley
"April 11th, 2:48 P.M."
Silicon Valley
"Ran a test of the perceptual modeler during lunch,"
Silicon Valley
"made a few tweaks and, wow, it's working on a whole new level."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, that just means that it's going great,"
Silicon Valley
"that it's working really well."
Silicon Valley
"Richard, Richard,"
Silicon Valley
"you didn't have your laptop with you at Hooli."
Silicon Valley
"What computer did you use"
Silicon Valley
"to run that test that day?"
Silicon Valley
"Oh, shit."
Silicon Valley
"Richard, you didn't use a Hooli computer?"
Silicon Valley
"Tell me that you didn't use a Hooli fucking computer."
Silicon Valley
"I... I don't know. Yeah, yeah, okay."
Silicon Valley
"Yes, I... I think I did."
Silicon Valley
"Fuck, I mean, I just used it once though, right?"
Silicon Valley
"I mean, that's not... That's not a big deal."
Silicon Valley
"It's a huge deal. We're done. That's it."
Silicon Valley
"- What's it? - God damn it."
Silicon Valley
"Well, under the law, Hooli can lay claim to the underlying"
Silicon Valley
"intellectual property that makes up Pied Piper."
Silicon Valley
"So we're fucked now, is that it? We're totally fucked?"
Silicon Valley
"Well, I mean, it all depends on whether or not"
Silicon Valley
"the attorneys at Hooli figure out"
Silicon Valley
"that your girlfriend is your laptop."
Silicon Valley
"Are you telling us this entire case"
Silicon Valley
"hinges on people believing that Richard had a girlfriend?"
Silicon Valley
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