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Clips from Orange Is the New Black - Moscow Mule (S01E01)

"Okay."
Orange Is the New Black
"Yo, you on Facebook?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Shit."
Orange Is the New Black
"Hello?"
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"An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison"
Orange Is the New Black
"is attempting to contact you."
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"To accept this call, please press one."
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"I've got great news."
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"Hi! I know."
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"You know?"
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"Yeah, your article came out today."
Orange Is the New Black
"Isn't it great?"
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"I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but I got the call last night."
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"So, apparently they pulled Randy's story"
Orange Is the New Black
"about, uh, the surge in home breweries in Brooklyn"
Orange Is the New Black
"because The New Yorker is running one"
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"on the surge in home wineries in Brooklyn."
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"So they ran mine instead."
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"That's great, honey."
Orange Is the New Black
"I know. Everyone's been so positive."
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"My high school English teacher called my parents."
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"Your brother, he sent me a picture text of a thumbs up."
Orange Is the New Black
"Can you read it to me?"
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"Want me to read it? I am going to read it."
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"One Sentence, Two Prisoners."
Orange Is the New Black
"That sounds like Two Girls, One Cup."
Orange Is the New Black
"No, it doesn't. This is one, two, not two, one."
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"And no one is shitting in any cup, okay?"
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"I left that part out. Your secret is safe."
Orange Is the New Black
"Thanks."
Orange Is the New Black
"Oh, hold on. Another one."
Orange Is the New Black
"Let's see what it says. It's from Pete."
Orange Is the New Black
"Porn. He just... He sent porn."
Orange Is the New Black
"What is that? Is that porn?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Oh..."
Orange Is the New Black
"Oh, Maria might be in labor."
Orange Is the New Black
"What?"
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"Could you google symptoms of labor?"
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"They're running bets."
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"If I guess closest to the birth time, I could win a Twix."
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"I want to make an educated guess."
Orange Is the New Black
"Isn't there a doctor in there?"
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"There's a nurse."
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"He says that she's gotta wait till her contractions"
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"are less than a minute apart to go to the hospital."
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"That's cutting it pretty close. All right, here we go."
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"Okay, if her cervix has softened, she's definitely in labor."
Orange Is the New Black
"Larry, how am I supposed to tell if her cervix is soft?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Oh, wait. Crowning. Let's look at crowning."
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"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Orange Is the New Black
"Yeah."
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"I'll definitely send that to Pete."
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"Speaking of whom, he is taking me out for a drink tonight."
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"Uh, Polly, too. And some other people. To, uh, celebrate."
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"Sounds like fun."
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"Who else is going?"
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"I don't know. Polly made a last-minute Evite so..."
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"So you're having a party. An Evite equals party."
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"Why didn't you just tell me you were going to a party tonight?"
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"With all of our friends."
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"You're not here to tell me I can't wear brown shoes with black pants."
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"It's pretty basic."
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"I know. Still."
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"I am really happy for you."
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"This is a really big thing."
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"And it deserves to be celebrated."
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"Yeah, okay."
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"You're gonna have a great time."
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"And you deserve that."
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"And on my end,"
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"I have a really strong shot at a Twix bar."
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"It's a great day."
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"Of course."
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"I have to go to work soon. Can you read me the article?"
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"The rest of the world got to read your story before I did."
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"Our story."
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"Okay."
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"Okay. Here it goes."
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"It always starts the same way,"
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"with a latte and a bacon scone."
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"And then I hit the road..."
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"You gotta walk, honey."
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"I'ma kill that motherfucker! The nurse?"
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"My boyfriend. And the nurse, too."
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"Fuck him and his fucking mother."
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"Time? It's the same."
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"He said she cannot come back until they're closer. I'm sorry."
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"That maricon wouldn't know labor"
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"if that baby popped out and slapped him in the fucking face."
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"Well, it's not him. It's the rules."
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"Well, he's the face of the rules."
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"Just keep walking, mami. I'm gonna try."
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"Here. Had to haggle with las negritas, but I got it."
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"Got what?"
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"To get Lucy coming out, they made me eat a whole pineapple."
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"But that's pineapple soda."
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"You know, for my son, they told me to play with my chichitas."
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"You know, it just gets the hormones going."
Orange Is the New Black
"You know, you gotta just twiddle them. You wanna try it?"
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"Come on, less talking. Just breathe."
Orange Is the New Black
"Okay. Come on."
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"And then there were two."
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"Where is everybody?"
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"They're sick. Pussies. I don't believe in getting sick."
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"Wow."
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"Mind over mucous, huh?"
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"Yeah."
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"That, and I stockpile from commissary."
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"I'm on a cough syrup cocktail"
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"that would make Lil Wayne vomit in his dreads."
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"New reading material."
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"I'm assuming you're both fluent in Hindi."
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"I think there are pictures."
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"There's a broken dryer in the laundry room."
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"Martha or Maddie or some shit."
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"I can't keep track of the nicknames. Just, uh, take care of it."
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"How?"
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"Make it not broken."
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"Man, I'm never gonna get this shit."
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"The label fell off."
Orange Is the New Black
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