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Clips from Orange Is the New Black - Moscow Mule (S01E01)

"Guide to Bird-Watching. Seven-hundreds?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Five-hundreds. That's science."
Orange Is the New Black
"But it's a hobby, though."
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"A hobby about science."
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"Okay."
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"So, you gonna tell me how it went, or what?"
Orange Is the New Black
"How what went?"
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"Your bat mitzvah, bitch! What do you think I'm talking about?"
Orange Is the New Black
"I don't know. It went."
Orange Is the New Black
"A bunch of people I never met looked at my case file."
Orange Is the New Black
"One guy had a beard."
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"They asked you a lot of questions?"
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"Not as many as you."
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"All right, look. I really appreciate"
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"you trying to teach me all this,"
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"getting me assigned and every..."
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"Shh!"
Orange Is the New Black
"Look, what I mean is, if you don't leave,"
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"I'll just go right back to clean crew."
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"This your job. I know you like it here."
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"Don't nobody like it here."
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"Your hair looked good."
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"It did."
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"Attention, all personnel, be advised"
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"count is not clear. Please conduct a recount."
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"Hey, there."
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"Hey."
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"Hear you got a broken appliance, ma'am."
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"Yeah?"
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"A real rusty old thing that needs fixing?"
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"Oh, well, my husband isn't home. He's got the checkbook."
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"Hopefully there's some way I could pay you."
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"Well, I have been feeling a little tense lately."
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"Maybe if I stick my dick in your mouth, it might help me relax."
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"Oh, God. No, thanks."
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"What? Too hetero?"
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"Okay. How about wrench in your twat?"
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"All right. Well, the broken one's over there, and her name's Myra."
Orange Is the New Black
"So you can stick your wrench in her twat."
Orange Is the New Black
"I hate when she sends The Quiet Storm."
Orange Is the New Black
"Can't she just come over and tap you on the shoulder?"
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"She has an irrational fear of the spin cycle. Won't step foot in here."
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"I'd better go."
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"Yeah, well... Mommy needs you."
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"Can't be that serious. When it's serious, she throws coconuts."
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"Come on!"
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"You don't look half bad in those."
Orange Is the New Black
"Thanks."
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"You sure you know what you're doing?"
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"I have no idea."
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"Don't lie to me."
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"She made a mistake, okay? She's 19 years old."
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"I covered for her when she got here. Hmm? Just like I did for you."
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"And I warned her if it ever..."
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"It's not like it's her choice."
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"I mean, she's an addict, all right? She had a slip."
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"We can help her. Just give her a chance."
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"No more chances. Two strikes, that's what she gets."
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"Russians don't play baseball."
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"Jesus, with this shit."
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"She needs to go down,"
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"and whoever she drags down with her deserves it."
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"You send her down the hill, she's fucked, and you know it."
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"Okay, you're taking this personally."
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"It's not personal, it's chemical."
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"Drugs have a way of making you do shit you don't wanna do."
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"So do I."
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"Okay."
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"I look pathetic. I'm aware."
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"I wasn't laughing at you."
Orange Is the New Black
"Right."
Orange Is the New Black
"Anyway, significantly less funny"
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"than the time you fixed our toaster"
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"with a hot glue gun."
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"You wanna see something? What?"
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"Okay, so we don't just do inmate laundry, right?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Right."
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"Some of the guards drop off their clothes, too."
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"So, Wanda Bell?"
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"You might remember her as the bloodsucking dragon-cunt?"
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"She works up front, eats souls for fun?"
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"Every once in a while, we find a pair of men's boxers in there."
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"No big deal. Even Bigfoot's gonna get laid sometimes."
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"Except these boxers... Oh!"
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"...have a name stitched on them like he's a third grader."
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"S. O'Neill."
Orange Is the New Black
"No! The guard S. O'Neill?"
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"Drama!"
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"Where does that belly go?"
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"I don't know."
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"Ooh!"
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"Hey! Y'all done having fun?"
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"We're just getting started, bitch."
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"I should finish fixing that. You want some help?"
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"No, that's really okay."
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"I work these machines all day."
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"I saw Little Sarah get a shot for helping Nicky hold a ladder."
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"So?"
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"You're laundry, I'm electric. We're from different worlds."
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"And I don't want any trouble."
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"Oh, fuck her."
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"I'm gonna help you, no strings attached."
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"How goes it?"
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"I've been better."
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"If I tell you it gets easier, does that make me corny?"
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"Makes you a liar."
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"Yeah. Brought you some O.J. Carton, not Simpson."
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"Man, this clinic my mom dragged me to,"
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"they strapped me down to a bed just like this."
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"So the nurses hated me, 'cause I kept makin' Exorcist jokes."
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"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"
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"That shit never gets old, right?"
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"I might actually be lucky this happened now."
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"Guards just think I got the flu like everyone else."
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"Well, in two days, you're gonna be wishing you had the flu."
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"I'm lucky you're here with me."
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"Yeah."
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"And I'll get through it. I'll get back on track."
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"They won't even find out I was using."
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"Yes, they will."
Orange Is the New Black
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