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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Gets a Job! (S01E01)

I would call this back-talk, missy,

"I would call this back-talk, missy,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and you're not just back-talking me.

"and you're not just back-talking me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Your stepmother asked me to ground you.

"Your stepmother asked me to ground you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You know, Disney lies to little girls.

"You know, Disney lies to little girls."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Stepmothers aren't scary,

"Stepmothers aren't scary,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and nannies aren't magical,

"and nannies aren't magical,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and dwarves do not let you sleep in their house

"and dwarves do not let you sleep in their house"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

without expecting something.

"without expecting something."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's okay, Kimmy.

"It's okay, Kimmy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You can do this job.

"You can do this job."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Right, Vera?

"Right, Vera?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know, chica hamburguesa.

"I don't know, chica hamburguesa."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know.

"I don't know."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So everyone here has tried to get out of this game?

"So everyone here has tried to get out of this game?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And no one got their deposit back?

"And no one got their deposit back?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hell, no!

"Hell, no!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That man is cheating us...

"That man is cheating us..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

out of our dreams.

"out of our dreams."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's right.

"That's right."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If I could get my deposit back,

"If I could get my deposit back,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I could finally live my dream of no longer being a mariachi.

"I could finally live my dream of no longer being a mariachi."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We got to do something.

"We got to do something."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Have an orgy? - No.

"- Have an orgy? - No."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Stop suggesting that.

"Stop suggesting that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, honey, it's Cookie Monster.

"Look, honey, it's Cookie Monster."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's not Cookie Monster.

"That's not Cookie Monster."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Jeez, I get enough of that at home.

"Jeez, I get enough of that at home."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But she's right, Dale. You're not Cookie Monster.

"But she's right, Dale. You're not Cookie Monster."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I'm not Iron Man.

"And I'm not Iron Man."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And that is definitely not Miss Piggy.

"And that is definitely not Miss Piggy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I know what we're gonna do.

"I know what we're gonna do."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey, Super Buckley.

"Hey, Super Buckley."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My mom said I can't open any presents until my dad gets home.

"My mom said I can't open any presents until my dad gets home."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Aw. That's the worst.

"Aw. That's the worst."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But I've got a little trick that might help.

"But I've got a little trick that might help."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I learned a long time ago

"I learned a long time ago"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that a person can stand just about anything for ten seconds.

"that a person can stand just about anything for ten seconds."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How are you liking my Baby-Sitters Club Mystery,

"How are you liking my Baby-Sitters Club Mystery,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sister Gretchen?

"Sister Gretchen?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know. Surfing, swimsuits...

"I don't know. Surfing, swimsuits..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A woman reading a book?

"A woman reading a book?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now let me have a turn on the Mystery Crank.

"Now let me have a turn on the Mystery Crank."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You haven't slept in days.

"You haven't slept in days."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's really no trouble.

"It's really no trouble."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

See, you can stand anything for ten seconds.

"See, you can stand anything for ten seconds."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then you just start on a new ten seconds.

"Then you just start on a new ten seconds."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Nine, ten.

"Nine, ten."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

One, two, three, four,

"One, two, three, four,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

five, six, seven,

"five, six, seven,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

eight, nine, ten.

"eight, nine, ten."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

One, two, three, four...

"One, two, three, four..."

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So, whether you're turning a heavy crank,

"So, whether you're turning a heavy crank,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the purpose of which is unknown to this day,

"the purpose of which is unknown to this day,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

or just waiting around to open some presents,

"or just waiting around to open some presents,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

all you got to do is...

"all you got to do is..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Take it ten seconds at a time

"Take it ten seconds at a time"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Kimmy? - Huh?

"- Kimmy? - Huh?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Can you help me, please?

"Can you help me, please?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I've had the most amazing idea.

"I've had the most amazing idea."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A scrunchy that's also a wallet?

"A scrunchy that's also a wallet?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

To make tonight extra special for Julian,

"To make tonight extra special for Julian,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm going to re-create our first date.

"I'm going to re-create our first date."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And you worked at the post office?

"And you worked at the post office?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was a stewardess,

"I was a stewardess,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and it was so romantic.

"and it was so romantic."

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I was on Julian's NetJet flight

"I was on Julian's NetJet flight"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

back from Bush's second inauguration.

"back from Bush's second inauguration."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So, needless to say, he was DTF.

"So, needless to say, he was DTF."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then when we landed,

"Then when we landed,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

we couldn't go back to his house because his wife was home,

"we couldn't go back to his house because his wife was home,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so we ended up going to his office instead.

"so we ended up going to his office instead."

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And we snuggled all night

"And we snuggled all night"

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because he fell asleep on top of me.

"because he fell asleep on top of me."

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So is Mr. Voorhees on his way?

"So is Mr. Voorhees on his way?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda.

"Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Don't worry. Fat.

"Don't worry. Fat."

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And he should be wheels down any minute.

"And he should be wheels down any minute."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So make sure the kids are ready to yell "surprise"

"So make sure the kids are ready to yell "surprise""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

when he comes through the door.

"when he comes through the door."

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Tonight's gonna be crazy debauchery.

"Tonight's gonna be crazy debauchery."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dexter's parents are both in the hospital

"Dexter's parents are both in the hospital"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

from a skiing accident,

"from a skiing accident,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so the apartment's totally empty.

"so the apartment's totally empty."

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I can't wait.

"I can't wait."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The babysitter tried to bust me for drinking,

"The babysitter tried to bust me for drinking,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but I own her.

"but I own her."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You guys, I was showering with Dr. Jerry,

"You guys, I was showering with Dr. Jerry,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and he told me he hates his wife.

"and he told me he hates his wife."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- He said that? - You're so lucky!

"- He said that? - You're so lucky!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Remember how I was, like, so bummed

"Remember how I was, like, so bummed"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I had to see my grandparents in California?

"I had to see my grandparents in California?"

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Well, I met this surfer,

"Well, I met this surfer,"

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like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay?

"like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And he called me "Kelea" which is, like,

"And he called me "Kelea" which is, like,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

a Hawaiian princess.

"a Hawaiian princess."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Anyway, he practiced surfing at night,

"Anyway, he practiced surfing at night,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and we'd meet up after and do it on the beach.

"and we'd meet up after and do it on the beach."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I have sex when I visit my grandparents too.

"I have sex when I visit my grandparents too."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I have a birthday update.

"I have a birthday update."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um...

"My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

not yet left London.

"not yet left London."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Obviously, you needn't stay,

"Obviously, you needn't stay,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but we will not be opening presents until he gets here.

"but we will not be opening presents until he gets here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But can we have cake?

"But can we have cake?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't even know who you are.

"I don't even know who you are."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm Cooper S.

"I'm Cooper S."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Open the register, Ray.

"Open the register, Ray."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox

"Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and pay up.

"and pay up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Really?

"Really?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty

"Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and a Cookie Monster?

"and a Cookie Monster?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No. But that's not what they are.

"No. But that's not what they are."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature.

"They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I'm not Iron Man.

"And I'm not Iron Man."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm Metal Hero Friend.

"I'm Metal Hero Friend."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

None of us are licensed,

"None of us are licensed,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and by renting these costumes,

"and by renting these costumes,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

you're infringing on the intellectual property

"you're infringing on the intellectual property"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

of The Children's Television Workshop,

"of The Children's Television Workshop,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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