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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Gets a Job! (S01E01)

All right, Kimmy, listen up.

"All right, Kimmy, listen up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm listening! Good!

"I'm listening! Good!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Day two in New York City,

"Day two in New York City,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and you've already got a room with a door,

"and you've already got a room with a door,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

a new pair of shoes, and a black friend.

"a new pair of shoes, and a black friend."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Are you kidding me?

"Are you kidding me?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, I'm not.

"No, I'm not."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now all you have to do

"Now all you have to do"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is get your job back.

"is get your job back."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ms. Jacqueline?

"Ms. Jacqueline?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"_"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"_"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh. Didn't I fire you?

"Oh. Didn't I fire you?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I want to say... Cornmo?

"I want to say... Cornmo?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's Kimmy, ma'am.

"It's Kimmy, ma'am."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I deserved it.

"And I deserved it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But I also think I deserve a second chance.

"But I also think I deserve a second chance."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm a hard worker,

"I'm a hard worker,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I can hold my breath for a real long time.

"and I can hold my breath for a real long time."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Watch.

"Watch."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But you were two hours late

"But you were two hours late"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

on your first day!

"on your first day!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Do you have any idea how much I have on my plate?

"Do you have any idea how much I have on my plate?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Not literally, of course.

"Not literally, of course."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The point is, I'm extremely busy.

"The point is, I'm extremely busy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I know.

"I know."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Buckley's birthday is today.

"Buckley's birthday is today."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

First, our nanny quits, then you don't show up,

"First, our nanny quits, then you don't show up,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

then my Pilates guy gets a part on Royal Pains,

"then my Pilates guy gets a part on Royal Pains,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so I have to go to Michelle.

"so I have to go to Michelle."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Michelle!

"Michelle!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, I don't like giving second chances,

"Look, I don't like giving second chances,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but I appreciate your lack of pride.

"but I appreciate your lack of pride."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So, if you can handle Buckley's birthday party,

"So, if you can handle Buckley's birthday party,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'll consider bringing you back on.

"I'll consider bringing you back on."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But this is your last chance.

"But this is your last chance."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not running a charity here,

"I'm not running a charity here,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people

"except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

with the same initials as me.

"with the same initials as me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party.

"My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That was the fanciest sentence I've ever heard,

"That was the fanciest sentence I've ever heard,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I used to watch Frasier.

"and I used to watch Frasier."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, Julian's only here for one night,

"Well, Julian's only here for one night,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I want everything to be perfect.

"and I want everything to be perfect."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You have four hours to plan a superhero birthday party

"You have four hours to plan a superhero birthday party"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

for 20 children and their Caribbean chaperones.

"for 20 children and their Caribbean chaperones."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You won't regret this, Mrs. Voorhees.

"You won't regret this, Mrs. Voorhees."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm pretty great at birthday challenges.

"I'm pretty great at birthday challenges."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How did you make this?

"How did you make this?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's my hair and Donna Maria's hair.

"It's my hair and Donna Maria's hair."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Qu, qu?

"Qu, qu?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"_"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, good luck.

"Well, good luck."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'd hate to have to fire you again.

"I'd hate to have to fire you again."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable

"Unbreakable"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

They alive, damn it

"They alive, damn it"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's a miracle

"It's a miracle"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable

"Unbreakable"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

They alive, damn it

"They alive, damn it"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But females are strong as hell

"But females are strong as hell"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable

"Unbreakable"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

They alive, damn it

"They alive, damn it"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's a miracle

"It's a miracle"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable

"Unbreakable"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

They alive, damn it

"They alive, damn it"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's gonna be, uh...

"That's gonna be, uh..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

you know, a fascinating transition.

"you know, a fascinating transition."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Damn it

"Damn it"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey!

"Hey!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeezus! What are you doing back here?

"Yeezus! What are you doing back here?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Shopping. It's Times Square, where New Yorkers shop.

"Shopping. It's Times Square, where New Yorkers shop."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why are you dressed like a robot?

"Why are you dressed like a robot?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Remember dream-following?

"Remember dream-following?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, Kimmy, I do,

"Yes, Kimmy, I do,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but I can't exactly quit my job.

"but I can't exactly quit my job."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I've still got bills to pay.

"I've still got bills to pay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If I stop paying Columbia House, I stop getting my tapes.

"If I stop paying Columbia House, I stop getting my tapes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, we both listen to the tapes.

"Look, we both listen to the tapes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Let me take care of Columbia House.

"Let me take care of Columbia House."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Let me take care of the rent for a little while.

"Let me take care of the rent for a little while."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I got my job back.

"I got my job back."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know, baby girl.

"I don't know, baby girl."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, rent is one thing, but I need new head shots,

"I mean, rent is one thing, but I need new head shots,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

new clothes, new teeth, Botox to stop my sweating.

"new clothes, new teeth, Botox to stop my sweating."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, that costume's got to be worth something.

"Well, that costume's got to be worth something."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Maybe you could sell it.

"Maybe you could sell it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, this thing's a rental.

"No, this thing's a rental."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But I gave them a security deposit.

"But I gave them a security deposit."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- That's $200. - Whoa.

"- That's $200. - Whoa."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

With that kind of money, you could produce your own show.

"With that kind of money, you could produce your own show."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Maybe something

"Maybe something"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

about being black and gay and bald and...

"about being black and gay and bald and..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay.

"Okay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But I've already been down that road, Kimbert.

"But I've already been down that road, Kimbert."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

After my tenth failed Lion King audition,

"After my tenth failed Lion King audition,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I tried to stage my own version.

"I tried to stage my own version."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Wee Bobby Doop-doo

"Wee Bobby Doop-doo"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sanjaya

"Sanjaya"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, no-no

"Oh, no-no"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, you can at least buy some new clothes.

"Well, you can at least buy some new clothes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- All right. - That's the spirit.

"- All right. - That's the spirit."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look out, New York. Nothing can stop us now.

"Look out, New York. Nothing can stop us now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, they call me Cool Kimmy

"Well, they call me Cool Kimmy"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I like to rap

"'Cause I like to rap"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You, help.

"You, help."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We were playing vodka shotzee

"We were playing vodka shotzee"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to pre-game for Dexter's party tonight,

"to pre-game for Dexter's party tonight,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and Simone kept losing 'cause she's really bad at math,

"and Simone kept losing 'cause she's really bad at math,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I think she has alcohol poisoning.

"and I think she has alcohol poisoning."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What? Who are you? I wasn't rapping.

"What? Who are you? I wasn't rapping."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We have to pump her stomach

"We have to pump her stomach"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but we can't take her to the hospital

"but we can't take her to the hospital"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

because her dad's running for Congress.

"because her dad's running for Congress."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay, I've gotten botulism a bunch of times

"Okay, I've gotten botulism a bunch of times"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

from spoiled canned goods,

"from spoiled canned goods,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so I know lots of ways to make people throw up.

"so I know lots of ways to make people throw up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, I... I'm fine.

"Oh, I... I'm fine."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Don't let her die. She'll kill me!

"Don't let her die. She'll kill me!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

She'll be okay, but she really should see a doctor.

"She'll be okay, but she really should see a doctor."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Her boyfriend's an ophthalmologist,

"Her boyfriend's an ophthalmologist,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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