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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Gets a Job! (S01E01)

"Marvel Comics, Walt Disney,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and Japan PervCo."
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"How'd you dirtbags find out about intellectual property?"
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"Who told?"
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"Let's just say I had some firsthand experience"
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"with Disney's copyright lawyers."
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"Wheeeeeeee Bobby Doop-doo"
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"Sanjaya"
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"Oh, no-no, wait"
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"Oh..."
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"Fair enough."
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"Pay up, old man,"
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"every cent that you owe these losers."
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"Well..."
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"Julian isn't coming at all."
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"He had to go back to Japan."
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"You might as well open your birthday presents, Buckley."
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"I did, and I already have all this stuff."
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"I'm sorry."
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"You're sorry?"
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"Look around you."
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"This birthday party was a catastrophe."
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"- And I hate superheroes. - What are you talking about?"
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"You play with them all the time."
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"Because I'm pretending to be a super villain!"
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"I like how they blow up hospitals."
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"Well, this birthday party isn't about you."
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"I wanted everything to be perfect."
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"I mean, it had to be perfect, and he didn't even show up."
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"He's my husband."
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"He made a vow to me on Steve Wynn's boat."
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"And I never should have trusted you."
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"I did it, Kimothy."
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"I got my security deposit back."
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"I got rid of that robot costume,"
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"and I got to yell at an old white man."
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"Well, I'm sorry, Titus, but you can't stop working."
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"- Say what? - I have to quit my job."
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"No, no, no, no, no. You can't do that."
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"One of us has to put food on my Barbie-themed TV trays."
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"You don't understand. I can't do it."
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"This family..."
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"The mother is having some sort of breakdown,"
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"while her stepdaughter is running around drinking"
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"and sexing."
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"The little boy is a devil,"
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"probably because the father is never around."
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"It sounds like this family either has no money"
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"or way too much."
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"Oh, they're super rich."
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"Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it."
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"Oh, no, you cannot work there."
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"Rich New Yorkers are the worst."
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"They buy up buildings for themselves"
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"and ruin neighborhoods."
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"They're always inventing new types of dogs"
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"that the world doesn't need."
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"And what do they do with their money?"
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"They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries."
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"Well, call me crazy,"
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"but I say cure malaria at home first."
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"These people have so many towels,"
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"and you're not allowed to use any of them!"
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"I don't blame you for bailing."
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"I mean, people like that need serious help."
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"I know that, Titus."
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"That's the problem."
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"I like helping people. I'm good at it."
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"I helped you get your life back together."
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"I helped keep the Mole Women sane all those years."
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"And this morning, I helped an old man at the supermarket"
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"who needed me to get all that stuff out of his pockets."
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"But I don't know how to help the Vorheeseses."
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"Lil' Kim, there is nothing you can do"
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"to help these crazy people."
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"You're just a sweet girl with an eighth-grade education."
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"Almost."
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"You've read, like, two books in the last 15 years."
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"- You're not gonna... - Urethra!"
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"That's it! The book!"
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"How did I not remember this?"
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"I can fix it."
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"I can fix everything!"
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"Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back."
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"But I already did something today."
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"Hey, Xan, going somewhere?"
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"You still work here?"
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"Cool. Cool."
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"Um, one thing before you go..."
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"Your boyfriend this summer, what did you say his name was..."
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"Thrash?"
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"Yeah, Thrash. When did I..."
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"'Cause I can't remember."
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"Did you tell me that he surfed at night"
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"so his nemesis Gonzo wouldn't sabotage his board again"
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"before the big competition?"
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"Or did I read about it?"
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"Everything you've said about your boyfriend"
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"is straight out of Baby-Sitters Club Mystery"
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"Number 12, colon, Dawn and the Surfer Ghost."
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"Isn't that right, Kelea?"
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"Or should I say, Xan?"
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"How did you know that?"
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"I only had two books with me down in the..."
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"reading nook when I was growing up"
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"and this was one of them."
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"You cannot tell anyone about this."
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"Yeah."
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"It'd be a shame if Simone or Vidalia were to find out"
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"your story was a lie,"
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"a lie taken from a book for middle schoolers."
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"That's not true."
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"Those books are recommended for 12 and up."
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""And up," Kimmy!"
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"Go to your room, Xan,"
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"'cause you're fudging grounded."
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"I hate you!"
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"This is for your own good."
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"You're a kid, and childhood is precious."
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"It's okay that you're a virgin."
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