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Clips from King Ralph

"Hey, Flamingo. Hi. Really unique show. Striptease without the nudity."
King Ralph
"My name's Miranda. And the show was terrible."
King Ralph
"- Who are you? - Ralph Jones. You know..."
King Ralph
"- you don't really have a Vegas accent. - I wouldn't know. I've never been there."
King Ralph
"How embarrassing! Why did I ever think I could do this?"
King Ralph
"You just gotta remember to take a crossover step before your spinback..."
King Ralph
"or you'll never make it around for the hip reveal."
King Ralph
"- A lot of girls have trouble first night. - This is my only night."
King Ralph
"They already sacked me. Know anybody who'd wanna buy a tearaway dress?"
King Ralph
"- How about one of the maids? - Your Majesty..."
King Ralph
"we should stay with the present uniform."
King Ralph
"Phippsy, you old hound! I didn't know you went for this sort of thing. Meet Miranda."
King Ralph
"- Do you guys work here? - Well, no."
King Ralph
"- Then what are you doing backstage? - Well, it's OK."
King Ralph
"- I'm the new king here. - The king of what? Burlesque?"
King Ralph
"No! England."
King Ralph
"That isn't a proper thing to joke about."
King Ralph
"I'm not jokin'. They just hired me. I could get you your job back."
King Ralph
"- I don't think... - I don't want it back."
King Ralph
"I just wanna get dressed. Excuse me, please."
King Ralph
"This'll only take a minute. I'm new here. I don't know many people."
King Ralph
"I thought we'd get together tomorrow, have a drink..."
King Ralph
"- discuss the mood of the country... - Alan!"
King Ralph
"- Who's Alan? - The bouncer."
King Ralph
"This is ridiculous. Nobody believes me. Maybe we should get some cards printed."
King Ralph
"- Alan! - Look, I'll make you a deal."
King Ralph
"If I can prove to you by tomorrow night I'm the King of England, go out with me."
King Ralph
"- Why are you guys in here? - Hold on."
King Ralph
"- These friends of yours? - No."
King Ralph
"Don't you be touchin' him now, lad."
King Ralph
"- Have we got a deal? - Yes, all right, fine."
King Ralph
"Coming here is the best thing I've done so far."
King Ralph
"Hiya, Ced."
King Ralph
"I need hardly remind you that this is not the preferred entertainment of royalty."
King Ralph
"Sorry, Ced."
King Ralph
"That's it, Your Majesty. Grip the bat. Swing it vertically, not horizontally."
King Ralph
"In baseball the ball comes to you on the fly. In cricket it usually hits the ground."
King Ralph
"The bowler is trying to hit your stump. If he does, you are out."
King Ralph
"So the better shot to learn initially is the forward defensive shot."
King Ralph
"Bowler?"
King Ralph
"At first, Your Majesty, just try to block it."
King Ralph
"Bowler..."
King Ralph
"Pitch a few up, bowler. Nice and slow."
King Ralph
"It's outta here!"
King Ralph
"Although there's relief in most quarters that a new sovereign has been found..."
King Ralph
"doubts remain as to whether the American born king..."
King Ralph
"is cut from the proper cloth."
King Ralph
"- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - The son of an itinerant pool player..."
King Ralph
"the king's life thus far has been relatively free of achievement:"
King Ralph
"His mother is currently serving a two-year prison term..."
King Ralph
"- Miranda Greene? - Yes."
King Ralph
"I'm Lord Percival Graves. Do you have a moment? It is a matter of some urgency."
King Ralph
"Do come in."
King Ralph
"I understand you've met our new king."
King Ralph
"Yeah."
King Ralph
"Looks like I did."
King Ralph
"And you made quite an impression on him."
King Ralph
"- Who said that? - Have you seen today's Bugle?"
King Ralph
"72 per cent of the people see the ascendancy to the throne of England..."
King Ralph
"by an American commoner as a serious threat to the status of the monarchy."
King Ralph
"I'm sorry. What's this got to do with me?"
King Ralph
"You are in a unique position to be of service to your country."
King Ralph
"I'm sure that you are aware that members of the royal family..."
King Ralph
"are expected to maintain certain standards..."
King Ralph
"particularly with regard to the company they keep."
King Ralph
"Now, if the King of England were to become involved with someone like you..."
King Ralph
"Someone like me?"
King Ralph
"...then the pressure on him to abdicate would be considerable."
King Ralph
"- You're asking me to sleep with him? - Oh, no, no, no."
King Ralph
"No, nothing like that. I simply want you to spend time with him."
King Ralph
"To befriend him, nurture his burgeoning affection..."
King Ralph
"until such time as a simple photograph can be taken."
King Ralph
"Little snapshot of you together in public."
King Ralph
"Forget it."
King Ralph
"He is making a mockery of centuries of tradition."
King Ralph
"We are on the brink of a national crisis."
King Ralph
"I think we'll survive. What's in this for you?"
King Ralph
"I'm prepared to make it well worth your while."
King Ralph
"- Thanks, but I don't need the money. - (LAUGHS)"
King Ralph
"What about your family?"
King Ralph
"What about them?"
King Ralph
"Your father and brother have been out of work for almost a year, haven't they?"
King Ralph
"Such a tragedy, the demise of the steel industry!"
King Ralph
"My enquiries tell me that their savings have dried up. Debts are mounting."
King Ralph
"It's only a matter of time before the house is repossessed."
King Ralph
"Get out."
King Ralph
"I don't think you understand quite how much I'm offering. Close the door."
King Ralph
"£15,000 to start. And if you're successful, enough to ensure..."
King Ralph
"that you never have to worry about money for the rest of your life."
King Ralph
"You or your family."
King Ralph
"Now, surely, you're not prepared to sacrifice their future..."
King Ralph
"for the sake of an American usurper that you don't even know?"
King Ralph
"I think not."
King Ralph
"Tea?"
King Ralph
"Milk?"
King Ralph
"Sugar?"
King Ralph
"One lump or two?"
King Ralph
"Two for me. A little bonus there."
King Ralph
"So..."
King Ralph
"What's on the agenda today?"
King Ralph
"One word of advice, Your Majesty. When you meet the Prime Minister..."
King Ralph
"it would be best to say 'How do you do?' rather than 'How you doin'?'"
King Ralph
"No problem. How do you do? (YAWNS)"
King Ralph
"Excuse me. I didn't get much sleep last night."
King Ralph
"Still on Vegas time, plus I haven't had a day job for four years."
King Ralph
"I'm more of a night owl, but what the hell? As long as we're all up."
King Ralph
"Your Majesty, may I present the Prime Minister, Geoffrey Hale?"
King Ralph
"How do you do, Geoff?"
King Ralph
"- It's a pleasure to meet Your Majesty. - Think nothing of it. Call me Ralph."
King Ralph
"No, I'm afraid I can't."
King Ralph
"Shall we sit?"
King Ralph
"I don't want to keep you, Your Majesty..."
King Ralph
"but there is a matter of some pressing national interest."
King Ralph
"- Fire away, Geoff. - As you may know..."
King Ralph
"there's considerable unrest in Africa..."
King Ralph
"resulting in the emergence of several new states."
King Ralph
"Ah."
King Ralph
"Well, the first thing we're gonna have to do is buy all-new globes."
King Ralph
"Beyond that, we shouldn't rush into anything."
King Ralph
"There's no problem that can't be ignored if we put our minds to it."
King Ralph
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