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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Kisses a Boy! (S01E01)

"[Brandon] It really is pretty great."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The Durnsville Elks Club is paying for this whole trip,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"plus spending money."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I want to get a big-city spray tan."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So you both get stuff out of this."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[pop music ringtone]"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[gasps]"
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"Ooh, it's the Durnsville Board of Education."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This year, I get to pick the chapter"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that gets taken out of the science textbook."
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"I think I'm going to have the chef salad."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Who do you like to have sex with?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, I like hairless guys with a little bit of..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You are an escritoire!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm a desk?"
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"I mean, I don't know what that means."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[knocking on door]"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[Lillian] What do you want, dear?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I was Rear Window-ing,"
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"and it was just starting to get good."
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"The old man on the third floor's stuck in the tub."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"He's starting to panic."
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"Lillian, I'm planning a seduction."
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"A seduction."
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"I remember those days."
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"A cocktail at the bar,"
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"a conversation held only with the eyes,"
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"and then the two of you retire to the bathroom."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I called you because I need you to keep"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy and her girlfriend out of the apartment."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, sure."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just need five minutes with that country boy."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Or however long Kenny Loggins' Footloose is."
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"Titus, cherish this time."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Someday you'll wake up and you'll say,"
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""Who's that old woman in the mirror?""
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And then she'll punch you, and you'll say,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
""That's not a mirror. That's an open window.""
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What are we talking about again?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Eh."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You're lying to my friend."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm telling her!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy!"
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"Kimmy, please!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm not using Cyndee to get stuff for myself."
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"- I'm part of the stuff. - What?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"She wanted me. Ever since middle school."
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"What choice did I have after what she's been through?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I do whatever she wants."
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"I... I got a tattoo that says "bean curd.""
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"So you're doing all this to make her happy?"
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"I dumped Richard Hinkle for her."
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"He's the one I wanted to give flowers and meat to."
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"No, this is not okay, Brandon."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- You're lying to her. - Really?"
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"You never lied to Cyndee in the bunker?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"We're never going to get out of this stupid bunker."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'll never own a sports car or a pool."
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"And Brandon Yeagley got Apocalypsed!"
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"Well, that's not true. The reverend told me."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"God spared Brandon."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And he's in an all-men's bunker,"
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"so you know he's being faithful."
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"Really?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"[in Spanish] "Brandon" is a gay guy's name, right?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Okay."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You know Cyndee needs someone to take care of her."
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"You left, so everyone back home is stepping up."
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"Please don't ruin it for her."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Welcome to New York."
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"I wanna say... Brandon?"
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"Ugh."
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"Titus, it's Brandon."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The gals are outside talking to your landlord."
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"So then, in 1984..."
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"no, wait, let me back up."
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"Modern-day Israel..."
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"[Footloose by Kenny Loggins]"
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"What's going on?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I think you know."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Well, I was wrong. Brandon is not gay."
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"[whispers] No, he is. He told me."
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"[whispers] That's impossible!"
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"I tried to seduce him."
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"In my over-shorts!"
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"Am I not a pretty young thing anymore?"
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"Am I a bear now?"
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"Or a daddy? Or a Huxtable?"
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"Titus, my best friend's dream boyfriend is gay."
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"What do I do?"
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"Are you asking me for advice"
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"because I seem like a wise old black man?"
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"Oh, God. My reflection."
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"I'm old!"
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"I've been in that bath for hours."
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"You all watched me struggle!"
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"Shame!"
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"- [groans] - [gasps]"
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"You're not gay, right?"
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"Straight guys can be vegetarians."
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"Hitler was a vegetarian."
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"[phone vibrating]"
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"[gasps] Ooh! I have to go."
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"I promised Cyndee I'd take her out"
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"for a real New York pizza bagel."
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"Well, I'm working tonight if there's any chance"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that you could come by."
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"I'll be here."
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"With my kissing hole."
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"They did it again!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"They undercharged my breakfast by 15%."
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"I think they're giving me the senior citizen discount."
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"Why would they think someone ordering broiled scrod"
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"and a black coffee is a senior citizen?"
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"[laughs] Dude, I think it's great"
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"the strides you gays have made."
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"You cut it out!"
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"I know that straight act is just a..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What's that Stanley Donen movie with, uh,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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