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Clips from 30 Rock - Hard Ball (S01E01)

"Thanks. First, I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me,"
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"Jenna, this is ridiculous. What does any of this have to do with comedy?"
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"because it's not just cute guys that buy these magazines."
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"Awesome."
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"Well, you look happy. Somebody just have a root-beer float?"
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"Done."
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"Wow, you do have a talent."
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"- Me? No, don't make me be a pan of this. - Lemon, I would like to teach you something."
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"I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry, black kid"
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"- We could add someone else to the entourage. - That's a good idea."
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"- What about Cheese? - He's rolling with Ghostface Killah now."
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"I picked up your lunch from Sylvia's. Extra cornbread, because I know you like it."
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"I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."
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"How would you like to be in my entourage?"
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"Well, let's see. Dot Com does the driving and the cooking."
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"Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me."
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"Jenna will make a public apology tomorrow on "Hardball.""
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"- I can't wait to renegotiate your contract. - Thank you, sir."
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"Jack... Jack Donaghy. Alan Steiner."
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"Listen, I'd love to grab a little face time with you,"
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"I'm sorry to hear that, Alan."
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"I hate this!"
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"Grizz, I think it's best you come sit on me."
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"and come on home."
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"Josh is looking for a 15% raise, a two-pic guarantee from Universal,"
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"What? We were just being silly."
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"My offer is now 75 cents."
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"I knew you weren't ready for a big chair."
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"No, it's about how you're treating Tracy."
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"Oh, my gosh. I had no idea I was causing a problem."
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"The Easter Bunny."
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"Yeah, Dot Com! Yeah, Grizz!"
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"Entourage disbanded!"
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"Oh, my."
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"Oh, no comeback? You're burnt!"
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"dress her in an eagle costume, and we're gonna call it a "Salute the Troops" episode."
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"until my partner stabbed me in the back."
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"You know what? If my friendships and my job are incompatible, I choose my friends."
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"Do you ever get any e-mails other than from Match.com'?"
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"Damn it!"
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"Sir, I think you made a mistake firing Grizz and Dot Com."
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"You're the only one I can trust, K. You're my whole entourage now."
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"I need the truth."
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"Well, if that's the case, then you should know"
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"OK, that's enough."
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"There will be snacks!"
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"You stupid turd."
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"You were opening for a puppet when I found you!"
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"- I get an NBC discount here. - Idiot!"
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"He said they were at the thing, and Little Zay just ended up running."
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"What? Damn it, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mama"
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"Dot Com set this up. I don't know how it works."
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"Television on!"
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"- That's the one. We got a deal? - Deal. Thank you."
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"Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids"
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"Get off of me!"
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"I love you, Dot Com. I love you, Grizz."
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"Wow, this is an honour."
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"I am friends with number four on "Maxim's" list of the sexiest women in comedy."
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"but then I saw "The Dukes of Hazzard"...funny!"
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"Is that baby oil?"
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"They use salad dressing, 'cause it gets a better sheen."
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"You're burnt!"
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"Listen, I want to make sure you're not gonna regret this,"
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"It's teenage boys with weird rashes and old guys that live at the"
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"Posing in "Maxim" is a great career move. There's no shame in it."
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"I'm laughing, I'm horny. Let's do this."
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"Put the chicken near your mouth."
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"No, Josh's contract is up, so it's time for my favourite thing in the world..."
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"negotiation, the essence of capitalism. There's nothing like it."
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"God, I wish there was somebody I could negotiate with right now."
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"I need a couple minutes to go over breakage today... how's noon?"
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"- Can't do that. Make it 4:00 a.m. - Oh, that's no good."
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"- What about after rehearsal? 10:00. - Stop insulting me. 3:00 a.m."
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"- Midnight. You bring the coffee. -2:30, you bring the coffee. That's my final."
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"I can't wait to go mano a mano with Josh."
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"Right. I think you mean "mano a toddler.""
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"Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid. Please go easy on him."
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"I'll try to remember that when you and I meet with him later."
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"who learns that poetry is just another way to rap."
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"I don't want to learn about negotiation. I just want Josh to stay. The show needs him."
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"Lesson number one... you don't need anyone."
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"Sure, Josh tests well with female viewers 12 to 24, which is important to advertisers,"
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"because young women will buy just about anything."
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"These sunglasses have a chip in them"
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"that makes the lenses change colour as my iPod loses power."
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"But whatever Josh brings to the show, he's still replaceable."
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"- He's not replaceable as my friend. - He's your opponent now."
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"He's going to try to grab all the marbles, and it's our job to hide them."
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"that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?"
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"We did it! I got the cheque today."
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"- Say word. - Word is bond."
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"I would've been happy if our only reward was helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria,"
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"but this is great. We should treat ourselves."
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"You want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?"
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"Nah. I don't even use the ones I have."
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"- What's Young Larry doing these days? - He's in Jay-Z's entourage."
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"- Fat Balls? - Studying hotel administration at Cornell."
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"Well, go ahead, Fat Balls. That's a good program."
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"Hello, there, Mr Jordan, Mr Slattery, Mr Griswold."
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"Like it? I love it. I love this cornbread so much,"
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"Pregnant Cornbread."
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"Ken, you like doing stuff for me, right?"
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"Well, that sounds like fun. What would I do?"
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"Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get overstimulated."
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"This is a really special day."
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"- Nice. - Isn't it great?"
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"These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where's Jackée?"
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"Jenna, have you read your interview yet?"
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"Oh, no. Did I come across as interesting? I tried to mention Bono as much as possible."
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"No, you come across as crazy."
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"Why did you tell the reporter that you hate the troops?"
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"What? I didn't say I hate the troops."
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"You know, we have a huge readership in the armed forces."
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"What?"
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"Do you have anything you want to say to our beleaguered troops?"
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"- Theatre troupes? - Yeah, the troops."
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"Oh, I hate theatre troupes. They think what they do is so important."
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""But it's just a bunch of gay guys"
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"that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.""
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