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Clips from Family Guy - Peter's Two Dads (S05E05)

"Yeah. Or maybe try carbon dating."
Family Guy
"and kind of steer the conversation in a way that gets her to spill it."
Family Guy
"You excited about turning..."
Family Guy
"I got 16 candles for your birthday cake."
Family Guy
"So... less...?"
Family Guy
"- Not enough? - You stupid son of a bitch!"
Family Guy
"You didn't even know how old I am!"
Family Guy
"Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age."
Family Guy
"She's the jerk."
Family Guy
"Here! This for Megan!"
Family Guy
"- Oh. What is it? - It's a cookie"
Family Guy
"- from lunch period at the home! - Well, I'm sure she'll love this."
Family Guy
"So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink."
Family Guy
"The bartender says, "A Grasshopper." So the guy orders a Grasshopper."
Family Guy
"Then he's walking home and along the way,"
Family Guy
"So he says to the grasshopper : "Hey,"
Family Guy
"you know there's a drink named after you?""
Family Guy
"The grasshopper says : "You mean there's a drink named Irving?""
Family Guy
"So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?"
Family Guy
"Mom, this party sucks!"
Family Guy
"I mean, balloons? Pin the tail on the donkey? I'm not five years old."
Family Guy
"He says he's got a big surprise for you."
Family Guy
"A clown?! Dad, I'm 17!"
Family Guy
"Well, then how about... a dozen scarves?!"
Family Guy
"Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those."
Family Guy
"- Here you go, Meg. - I don't want them!"
Family Guy
"Are my long john stied to the end of those?"
Family Guy
"Mom, can I just open my presents now?"
Family Guy
"- What the...? - Let's see what else we've got here."
Family Guy
"Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!"
Family Guy
"These are mine, you hear me? Mine!"
Family Guy
"Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall."
Family Guy
"What you want?! What you want for Christmas?!"
Family Guy
"Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!"
Family Guy
"- What you want?! - Fire truck!"
Family Guy
"- What color?! - Red!"
Family Guy
"You look like a damn fool."
Family Guy
"Ah, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale."
Family Guy
"Everyone, I'll be right back."
Family Guy
"In the meantime, I leave you with the musical stylings of Chris Griffin."
Family Guy
"And I'll be your lover..."
Family Guy
"Uh, Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances."
Family Guy
"Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe."
Family Guy
"I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour."
Family Guy
"I don't if you can hear me right now, but"
Family Guy
"I love you, Dad."
Family Guy
"Peter..."
Family Guy
"Peter..."
Family Guy
"you're a fat, stinking drunk."
Family Guy
"Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead."
Family Guy
"- I can't believe Grandpa's dead. - Well, he did kind of treat us like crap,"
Family Guy
"- but, yes, it is a tragedy. - It is a tragedy."
Family Guy
"But instead, he called me a fat, stinking drunk."
Family Guy
"Those were his last words."
Family Guy
"but you do kind of drink a lot, and,"
Family Guy
"you know, sometimes it affects the people you love."
Family Guy
"Oh, my God. Lois, you're right."
Family Guy
"Booze killed my father."
Family Guy
"- Peter, what are you doing? - Crack."
Family Guy
"This isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?"
Family Guy
"- From blacks. - What?"
Family Guy
"Doing crack is not the way to stop drinking."
Family Guy
"You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place."
Family Guy
"Look, here, this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see."
Family Guy
"- All right, Brian. - Good."
Family Guy
"Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God!"
Family Guy
"Gov'ment came and took my baby!"
Family Guy
"This is mine, and this is mine, and that's mine, and this is mine."
Family Guy
"Oh, what's this?"
Family Guy
""Dare card : Have her do a strip tease"
Family Guy
"and see how long it takes you to get a bonner.""
Family Guy
"What's a "bonner"?"
Family Guy
"Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?"
Family Guy
"- You give that back to Mommy. - No! Go to hell!"
Family Guy
"- Now, give that back to Mommy! - Very well, then."
Family Guy
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Mommy would never hurt you."
Family Guy
"She is messed up, man!"
Family Guy
"Shut up! Just shut up! Let me fucking think!"
Family Guy
"- Push her out. - We can't leave her alone."
Family Guy
"Push the bitch out!"
Family Guy
"Okay, now let's go back in your mind to your childhood,"
Family Guy
"- to some of your deepest memories. - Yeah, I'm getting something."
Family Guy
"- Happy Father's Day, Dad. - I'm not your father!"
Family Guy
"Francis Griffin wasn't my real father!"
Family Guy
"Oh, my God!"
Family Guy
"It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare."
Family Guy
"Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself."
Family Guy
"Oh, it was awful, Rupert. I felt terrified and"
Family Guy
"brutalized and humiliated and... and..."
Family Guy
"and alive."
Family Guy
"My God, I... I haven't felt that alive in years."
Family Guy
"Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people who..."
Family Guy
"- gets a jolly out of being hit. - Oh, Stewie, there you are."
Family Guy
"Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you."
Family Guy
"Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here to bring back the TV set?"
Family Guy
"No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom, I've got to ask you something."
Family Guy
"Who's my real father?"
Family Guy
"I knew this day would come. All right, Peter, here it is."
Family Guy
"About 40 years ago, I was vactioning in Ireland,"
Family Guy
"Peter, Mickey is your real father."
Family Guy
"- Sweetheart, when will you be back? - I don't know, Lois."
Family Guy
"All I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland,"
Family Guy
"Call me as soon as you can, Peter. And I really hope you find your real father."
Family Guy
"- We're going to miss you, Dad. - Come back soon, Daddy. I love you."
Family Guy
"If I can just get her to hit me one more time,"
Family Guy
"it'll give me the rush I've been looking for!"
Family Guy
"and I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it."
Family Guy
"Oh! Thank you!"
Family Guy
"Thank you!"
Family Guy
"Yeah, all that stuff. Let's make that happen."
Family Guy
"- Hi, sweetie. You want some juice? - Ooh, that'll be lovely."
Family Guy
"- Look at the mess you made. - I've made a terrible mess, haven't I?"
Family Guy
"Yes, I made you take time out of your day to clean my mess"
Family Guy
"- and I should be punished for it. Go! - Well, I guess it's not that big a deal."
Family Guy
"- Accidents happen. - I don't know."
Family Guy
"Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?"
Family Guy
"- Punish me! - Sweetie, you've really gotta stop..."
Family Guy
"It's all right. I'll get some windex."
Family Guy
"Come on! Discipline me!"
Family Guy
"You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people."
Family Guy
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