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Clips from South Park - Cartman Sucks (S11E11)

"Stan, you're a Jew and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!"
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"The Lord is love this for"
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"With Jesus, I can just say no, and not be confused anymore."
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"We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips."
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"For those of you who are new to camp,"
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"Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free"
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"of the bonds that afflict you."
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"He's bi-curious too?"
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"Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed"
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"and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured!"
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"Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids!"
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"Hello, campers!"
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"Yes, believe it or not, I myself used to have unclean urges"
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"and like a lot of you,"
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"I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice."
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"God wanted me to be a man!"
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"So I buckled up in my little suit"
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"and I prayed to be normal and guess what?"
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"It worked!"
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"That's right, kids. You see, right now, you're like a paper clip."
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"And just like a paper clip,"
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"God needs to bend you and shape you"
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"and make you straight."
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"So you say you were robbed."
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"And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski!"
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"If it's a photo, what's the big deal?"
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"Why don't you just print out another one?"
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"It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my property and I want it back!"
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"Okay, what is the picture of?"
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"Why does that matter?"
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"Well how are we gonna find your picture"
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"unless we know what it is?"
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"- All right. It's a picture of me. - Yes?"
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"It's a picture of me..."
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"in my mouth."
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"in my mouth without me knowing!"
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"And--and took the picture!"
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"Now it may appear in the picture"
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"that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling"
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"with the penis in my mouth and giving a thumbs up."
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"But I assure you, I was fast asleep!"
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"Well, we'd have to get a warrant first,"
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"I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow!"
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"to everybody during Show and Tell!"
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"Well then, you're screwed."
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"You both do understand that we're trying"
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"to save your souls from eternal life in hell?"
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"Well sure, I guess."
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"And you do know the rule which states"
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"that no impure or immoral images"
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"are allowed to be seen by the eye?"
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"Well yeah, sure."
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"So let's purify ourselves from everything"
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"Then do you mind telling us why we found this,"
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"1979 Sears mens underwear catalog in your room?"
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"That's mine."
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"You know this is strictly forbidden!"
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"Ah, I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear?"
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"What's wrong?! This is what makes you confused!"
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"Don't you get it?!"
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"This is confusing you right now, isn't it?!"
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"Yes, it's all very confusing!"
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"Bradley is your accountabilibuddy!"
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"all of the work we're doing here"
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"to save these kids!"
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"Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance"
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"by writing scripture for the next four days!"
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"That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture."
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"Only twelve hours from now."
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"That's it. I don't have a choice."
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"I'm going to have to tell her the truth."
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"Eric? What's the, what's the matter?"
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"I don't wanna go to school tomorrow."
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"Sweetie, shh! Tell Mommy what happened."
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"Kyle has a picture of me"
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"and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell."
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"And everyone's gonna laugh at me."
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"Oh, now why would he do that?"
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"Because he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him."
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"So, he's gonna show everyone the picture."
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"What is the picture of, Eric?"
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"and I was gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have."
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"Oh, that's nice."
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"But then, right when I took the picture,"
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"Butters got really hot"
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"and my mouth landed right on his penis and then I thought of something funny"
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"so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up"
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"and then Kyle took the picture from me"
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"and he's gonna show it to everybody"
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"and make them think I'm gay."
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"Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay."
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"These things happen."
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"But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back,"
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"but he won't give it to me."
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"It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother."
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"You will?"
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"to be the satisfaction of our sins."
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"Neato!"
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"Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble."
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"Aw, that's okay, Bradley."
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"I really want to get better."
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"I try to do everything the counselors say,"
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"but somehow, I still feel confused."
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"Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writing all these verses"
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"we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!"
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"You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great."
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"Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought!"
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"- Well I like you too, Bradley. - You do?"
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"- Well, yeah! - You like like me?"
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"Sure, I like like you a lot a lot."
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"Oh God, we're both unfixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?!"
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"We're just evil and nothing can change us!"
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"There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves!"
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"No! Bradley! You can't leave, you're my accountabilibuddy!"
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"Hello?"
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"Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother."
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"but apparently, your son has a picture of Eric"
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"with another boy's penis in his mouth."
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"Excuse me?"
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"Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine."
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