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Clips from The Muppet Show (1976) - Valerie Harper (S01E01)

"♪ Some girls get the breaks"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"♪ Just give me my cue, sir"
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"♪ 'Cause I got what it takes"
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"(applause)"
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"♪ Hey, Mr. Producer"
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"♪ Kermit, I'm talkin' to you, sir"
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"♪ Only what I got"
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"♪ Plus a tube of grease paint and a follow spot"
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"♪ Someday maybe"
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"♪ If I stick it long enough"
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"♪ I may get to strut my stuff, yeah"
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"♪ Working for a nice man like a Ziegfeld or a Weissman"
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"♪ In a big time"
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"(applause)"
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"Oh, that was great. You were just wonderful, Valerie."
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"I tell you, you're going out on that stage a star,"
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"but you're gonna be coming back a chorus girl."
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"I'm not sure that's what I had in mind."
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"Well, what a beautiful performer."
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"Yeah, what a beautiful woman."
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"You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her."
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"Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you."
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"Besides, I was thinking of going backstage."
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"You? You? Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather."
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"Why, you geriatric joker. We'll settle this. We'll flip for her."
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"OK."
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"1, 2, 3..."
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"You win."
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"(sings in mock Swedish)"
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"(bang)"
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"(speaks in mock Swedish)"
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"(cake screams)"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"(speaks in mock Swedish)"
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"(cake speaks in mock Japanese)"
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"(speaks in mock Swedish)"
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"Hii-yah!"
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"Hey, chief. One of those hecklers from the box is back here,"
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"and he says he wants to speak to Miss Harper."
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"Oh, for goodness sakes, I've got a show to do."
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"I can't have every Tom, Dick, and Harry coming back here."
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"Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick. Hi, Harry."
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"Of course, there are exceptions."
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"Where is Miss Harper?"
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"I demand to see her! I will not be denied!"
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"Well, wow! One of our hecklers"
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"has turned into a stage-door Johnny."
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"Miss Harper is up in her dressing room there rehearsing her lines."
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"Well, I've been rehearsing my lines, too, for when I meet her."
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"How's this? "Hiya, toots."
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"You're some kind of hot-looking tomato.""
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"That's a very old line."
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"Well, I'm a very old man."
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"Hey, listen. Stage-door johnnies are supposed to bring roses."
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"What is that thing?"
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"Oh, roses are ordinaire."
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"This is a very special plant for a very special lady."
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"It's an African berry bush."
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"Grows at a rate of three feet an hour."
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"Unless it rains, then it grows faster."
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"Well, I suggest that you bury your berry bush"
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"and bug outta here, buster."
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"That's nice alliteration, huh?"
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"Hey! I'll have you know I've dated and wined and dined"
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"some of the finest performers on the legitimate stage."
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"Hayes, Langtry, Barrymore."
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"Wait a minute. You dated Ethel Barrymore?"
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"No. Lionel."
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"Ethel was busy that night."
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"To tell you the truth, we didn't dance much, either."
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"Will you get outta here?!"
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"No. I'll sit over here with my bush."
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"I have the feeling this is going to be one of those shows."
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"Here's a Muppet news flash."
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"Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin."
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"Doctors in Milwaukee have reported a phenomenon"
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"never before witnessed in medical annals."
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"Mr. Gus Klinger, a steam fitter,"
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"has, over a three-month period, turned into a rug."
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"Here is his wife, Mrs. Klinger, to explain what happened."
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"Well, it all started as a simple case"
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"of shag pile on the belly,"
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"until he is now a 9 x 12 carpet."
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"With fringe."
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"I am just going to have to sue for divorce, that's all."
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"Why is that, Mrs. Klinger?"
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"'Cause he does not match the drapes."
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"OK, now it is with great pleasure and no little concern"
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"that I present my dear friend Rowlf,"
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"with an original poem"
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"written, directed, and conceived by Rowlf."
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"Sort of a tour de force,"
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"which is French for "blow your own horn.""
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"So let's bring him on with a great big hand."
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"I've titled this original poem The Butterfly."
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"Ahem."
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"I saw a butterfly one beautiful morn"
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"Flitting silently on the dew-covered lawn"
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"And I thought to myself how wonderful it would be"
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"If only we could see"
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"Millions of these"
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"Covering the mountains, the plains and the seas."
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"I held out my hand"
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"And motioned it to land"
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"And as it did, I looked for another butterfly"
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"with which to mate it."
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"I couldn't find one, so I sat down and ate it."
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"It was only a joke. I'm just kidding."
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"Well, Statler would have loved that one, but I hated it."
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"OK, let's move that butterfly. Move it, move it, move it."
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"(Rowlf mumbles)"
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"Well, at least you're better than that bear."
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"Not much, but..."
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"Hey! What are you doing here?"
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"Well, if it's any of your business, janitor man,"
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"I'm waiting for Miss Harper."
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"It looks like your plant could use some watering."
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"Hmm? No! No! You fool! Oh, no!"
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"This is an African berry bush. It grows at an enormous rate."
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"It will grow and grow and eat everything in sight."
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"It bears a striking resemblance to my brother-in-law."
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