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Clips from The Muppet Show (1976) - Valerie Harper (S01E01)

"♪ It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"♪ To introduce our guest star"
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"Miss Valerie Harper."
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"♪ On the most sensational, inspirational"
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"(applause)"
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"Welcome to The Muppet Show."
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"but, actually, Bertha isn't here yet, and the show's about to start."
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"I Scotch-taped a bushel of birdseed to her body."
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"Even as we speak, geese are pecking her into oblivion."
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"♪ Broadway baby"
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"♪ To be in a show"
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"♪ I don't need a lot"
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"♪ Broadway"
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"♪ Show ♪"
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"(cake speaks in mock Japanese)"
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"but then, gradually, it spread,"
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"Yeah, maybe you're right."
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"This music they're playin' is garbage!"
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"I mean, it's not written for an eagle, but..."
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"(laughter)"
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"♪ Searchin' every which a-way, yeah, yeah"
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"♪ Oh, yeah"
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"♪ 'Cause I've been searchin'"
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"♪ Gonna find her"
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"♪ Yeah, I'm like a Northwest Mountie"
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"(applause)"
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"I said, "Don't give me that hogwash.""
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"I'll get you. I'll get you. Just hold still."
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"How come?"
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"Nice punch, Valerie."
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"(applause)"
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"♪ Where you are ♪"
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"Here's a Muppet news flash."
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"and they're known as The Clodhoppers."
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"♪ Nobody does it like me"
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"♪ If there's a wrong way to keep it cool"
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"♪ A right way to be a fool"
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"♪ Nobody does it like me"
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"♪ Nobody does it like me"
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"♪ Right way to lose a guy"
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"♪ Me ♪"
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"(applause)"
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"Oh, for heaven's sake, Statler!"
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"or was that my imagination?"
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"But I can't join you for dinner. You see, I'm a vegetarian."
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"We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show."
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"It's The Muppet Show,"
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"with our special guest star, Miss Valerie Harper."
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"(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)"
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"♪ It's time to play the music"
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"♪ It's time to light the lights"
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"♪ It's time to put on makeup"
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"♪ It's time to dress up right"
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"♪ It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight"
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"Hey, did you know that if Tuesday Weld"
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"married Frederick March's grandson,"
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"she'd be Tuesday March the Second? Ha-ha."
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"♪ That's what I'm here to do"
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"♪ So it really makes me happy"
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"♪ To introduce to you..."
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"♪ But now let's get things started"
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"♪ This is what we call"
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"♪ The Muppet Show ♪"
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"(gong)"
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"Hey, George. George."
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"What? What? What?"
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"Would you clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess."
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"Yeah. Of course it's a mess,"
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"with all these Muppets exploding around here."
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"Every time I turn around, there's somebody blowing his top."
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"I guess it's all in my mind."
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"Am I in the right place? Oh, Valerie Harper."
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"Oh, we're so glad that you can come and be with us."
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"Me too, Kermit. You know, I'm not filming Rhoda this week."
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"I got hiatus."
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"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get it lifting something?"
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"Oh, no... Maybe you should see a doctor."
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"Kermit, that means that we're on vacation."
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"And, well, you see, I'm a total Muppet freak."
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"Everyone in this joint is a freak."
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"See what I mean?"
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"George, this is Valerie Harper. She's on hiatus."
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"I'm George the Janitor. I'm on Vitamin E."
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"Move it."
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"You have to forgive George there. OK."
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"You were saying, Valerie."
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"Yes. I was hoping that you might let me do"
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"a big opening number on the show."
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"Oh, well, we had planned to open the show"
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"with Bertha Beasley and her Galloping Geese,"
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"She won't be here, Kermit. What?"
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"Wow, you are some determined lady."
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"I certainly am, Kermit."
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"Look, I can do it if you just give me the chance."
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"Kermit, television is great, but I gotta get back on those boards."
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"You know what it's like - a live audience,"
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"smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd."
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"At least let me audition for you, will you?"
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"Sure. Go on ahead."
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"(♪ "Broadway Baby" by Stephen Sondheim)"
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"♪ I'm just a Broadway baby"
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"♪ Walking off my tired feet"
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"♪ Pounding 42nd Street"
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"♪ To be in a show"
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"♪ Oh, vododio"
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"♪ Learning how to sing and dance"
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"♪ Waiting for that one big chance"
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"♪ To be in a show"
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"♪ Oh"
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"♪ Gee, I'd love to be"
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"♪ On a marquee"
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"♪ All twinkling lights"
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"♪ A spark to pierce the dark"
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"♪ From Battery Park"
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"♪ Way up to Washington Heights"
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"♪ Someday maybe"
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"♪ All my dreams will be repaid"
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"♪ Heck, I'd even play the maid"
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"(applause)"
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"♪ Say, Mr. Producer, oh"
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