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Clips from Chappelle's Show - Episode #1.2 (S01E01)

"is if a pretty white girl sang my thoughts."
Chappelle's Show
"Thank you for being here."
Chappelle's Show
"Crack was invented and distributed"
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"to intentionally destroy the black community."
Chappelle's Show
"The police never look for Tupac and Biggie's murderers."
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"Fuck the police."
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"(applause)"
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"What ever happened to that recount in Florida"
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"unless of course they're lesbians."
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"I like lesbians."
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"I like lesbians."
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"for real, I like lesbians."
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"But I digress from my point..."
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"All Chinese people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe."
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"Pretty much anyone who isn't black"
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"looks alike to me."
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"Oh I want to stick my thumb in J-Lo's butt"
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"up that singing white girl's butt either."
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"Call me on my cell, 917..."
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"And now it's time to collect ad revenue"
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"for Comedy Central."
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"Revenue they don't share with my black ass."
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"(cheers & applause)"
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"Real sex, street interviews, take one!"
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"(cameraman) Sophia, what's the craziest thing you ever did sexually?"
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"Um, the craziest thing I ever did sexually..."
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"Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay..."
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"(cameraman) What about you, sir?"
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"That'd probably be having sex with old Gangbang here,"
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"This date is over!"
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"Wait a minute, hold up."
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"I'm gonna kill you."
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"Get off me."
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"I have devised a new scheme, ladies and gentlemen,"
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"which is not an easy thing to do, but I've got it."
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"I'm gonna have my own phone line"
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"Miss Cleo lies, she's phony."
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"(laughing)"
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"I couldn't prove it."
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"But check mine out."
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"(woman) Dave Chappelle's Educated Guess Line."
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"Dave Chappelle is not a psychic."
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"He is merely a racist, who believes that stereotypes"
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"dictate our futures."
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"(woman's voice) My boyfriend says my butt's too big."
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"Why would he say that?"
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"My old boyfriend liked it just fine."
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"Okay."
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"No."
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"Okay, so your current boyfriend is white."
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"Oh my gosh, yes!"
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"Yeah, and your old boyfriend is black, ain't he?"
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"Oh my god, how did you know that?"
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"Because a brother can't get enough of that ass."
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"Hold up, I'm seeing something..."
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"It's your parents!"
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"Oh, god."
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"They're angry, real angry!"
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"They kicked you out for dating a black dude, didn't they?"
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"Oh, my god, there's no way you could have known that"
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"unless you knew me!"
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"Or if I dated four white girls myself."
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"Thanks for playing."
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"Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you."
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"(man with foreign accent) Hello, is this Dave Chappelle?"
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"All right, I'm hearing an accent."
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"You amaze me, man!"
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"Oh, hold on, there... is your name Miguel?"
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"It is!"
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"Bam!"
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"All right, all right go ahead, dog."
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"So, David, I was driving on the freeway."
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"Stop... driving."
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"Yes, I do."
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"And you don't have insurance, do you?"
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"No, I don't."
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"Sometimes, Dave will talk with a phony baloney Jamaican accent."
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"(Jamaican accent) The cards don't lie!"
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"Lord have mercy!"
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"Hello?"
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"(woman) Collect call from a correctional facility,"
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"will you accept the charges?"
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"Yes, I will."
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"Go ahead, sir."
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"you black, ain't you?"
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"(man) Yo, this nigga is off the hook!"
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"Wait a minute, I see something!"
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"What?"
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"Say word, son!"
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"You're walking out, you are free as a bird!"
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"I'm seeing something... it's six weeks later..."
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"You going right back in the jail"
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"What kinda psychic..."
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"Call this number now, and let Dave"
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"or one of his educated guessers tell you your future."
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"It's only 99 cents for the first minute,"
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"2.50 each additional minute."
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"You can't afford not to have your future read"
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"based on stereotypes."
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"(Jamaican accent) Call me now for a bumble-cluck reading!"
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"(mumbling)"
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"get played off by the house orchestra"
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"when their speech runs on too long."
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"My parents were really disappointed"
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"when I dropped out of school for that year,"
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"but I felt like I really just needed to find myself."
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"Word?"
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"But then, you know, I was like, you know what?"
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"Let me just go to Howard like my father, you know?"
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"Well, then, my girlfriend Gina, she called me up,"
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"down to Hotlanta!"
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"I was like Gina, number one,"
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"why are you calling me up, trying to confuse me?"
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"You know Spelman's in Atlanta, too."
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"Second of all, you know I'm vacillating here, trying to..."
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"with "The Wrap It Up Box,""
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"So then I just went to Howard, where I majored in sociology,"
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"So that was college, how about you?"
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"From the makers of the Home Stenographer comes"
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"Young man, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers."
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