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Clips from South Park - Eek, a Penis! (S12E12)

"and we've never tried a penis before."
South Park
"There's no guarantee it would work!"
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"Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body."
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"- I need a penis. - Alright,"
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"alright, let's see what we can do."
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"Don't commend me, it's the students' fault for being so stupid!"
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"Commend means you've done a great job, Eric, m'kay."
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"your schoolmates scored higher than they ever have on their tests!"
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"Whatever you did really worked on them!"
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"for my students is catamite to their learning."
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"These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board"
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"We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner city school classes."
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"These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers,"
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"and since you handled your class so well..."
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"How much will you pay me?"
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"Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said you guys!?"
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"My awesome teaching skills is gonna earn me three hundred bucks!"
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"You're not an awesome teacher!"
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"was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk, and you know it!"
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"- Yeah, that was my idea. - Oh, yeah."
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"But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner city students"
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"Maybe he's right. I better be careful how I look."
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"Students, quiet! Quiet, please!"
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"Give me your attention."
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"I'll give you my attention all night long, Mrs. Miller!"
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"You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up."
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"The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher."
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"This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all!"
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"I want you to welcome Eric Cartmanez."
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"Hello, students. I am Eric Cartmanez,"
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"I think you're going to be very pleased"
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"with the progress, Ms. Garrison."
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"Mister Garrison!"
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"Sorry, 'Mister' Garrison."
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"Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse."
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"Yes, it's a fantastic penis. Congratulations."
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"No! Don't open the--"
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"Oh, no!"
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"Don't let it get out of the lab."
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"My penis!"
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"Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college."
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"Getting into college?! Man, we aren't getting into no college?! Fuck you!"
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"Yeah, man! That's right!"
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"What is this, anyway? Man, this is crap!"
South Park
"how to cheat properly."
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"How do you think white people always get ahead?"
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"Because we cheat all the time."
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"He's won three Superbowls. How?"
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"He cheated."
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"He even got caught cheating."
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"And nobody cared."
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"Bill Beelicheck proved that in America it's okay to cheat,"
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"as long as you cheat your way to the top."
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"No, no, if you cheat and fail, you're a cheater."
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"If you cheat and succeed, you're savvy."
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"This is bullshit! I don't want to waste my time learning to cheat!"
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"Go ahead, the door's right there."
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"Bye, bye, have fun. We will miss you."
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"Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis?!"
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"- What? - My penis is on the loose!"
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"If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese!"
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"Ow, that hurt my brains."
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"Owww."
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"Nice form, compadre."
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"Hey I walked out of your class, teacher."
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"Look, I don't want to argue with you about the merits of cheating."
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"Hey, Petano! Can you keep score for us?"
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"Sure thing, Mr. C."
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"Oho, that's one to nothing, amigo."
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"Fuck you, man! You can't do that."
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"No matter how many times you say I cheated,"
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"I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it."
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"How do I reach these kids?"
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"Stephen! Stephen, come quick!"
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"- What is it, dear? - A penis is loose in our kitchen!"
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"- A penis? - Yes, it just ran across the floor!"
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"Now darling, calm down."
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"Calm down nothing, I don't want that penis running through my house!"
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"Ah, women, always afraid of penises."
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"Hey, wait! I think that's teacher's penis!"
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"Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?"
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"Today, we will discuss one of the most fundamental ways to cheat:"
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"Getting material ahead of time."
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"When Bill Belichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do?"
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"Think of the defense as your test."
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"When taking a test, you must also 'videotape the defense.'"
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"Learn what's on the test before they give it to you,"
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"I thought that, well, maybe I can give cheating a try."
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"He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught:"
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"It's what you must also say when caught cheating."
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"I misinterpreted the rules!"
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"Why didn't you call me?!"
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"Well now how am I supposed to find it?"
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"It could be anywhere!"
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"Holy crap!"
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"Didn't you see that penis just now?!"
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"It's so big and disgusting!"
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"Come back here, penis!"
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"Hey. You're not my penis!"
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"There it goes! Stop you!"
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"The answer to number 27 is five."
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"The answer to number 28 is fourteen."
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"The answer to number 28 is fourteen."
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"Man, what's the point?!"
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"What's the point of any of this?!"
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"Alright, everyone review the section on sportscasters"
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"You can't quit now? Come on, what's wrong with you?"
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"I'm pregnant, alright?"
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"I just found out."
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"How do I reach these kids?"
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"Alright, let's go get you an abortion."
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"No, I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong."
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"Abortion isn't wrong."
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"- That cheating is good. - Yes!"
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"You're cheating nature itself!"
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"Because they get abortions when they're young."
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"right out of a chance at life."
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"I don't know, Mr. C."
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"Mexicans are told not to cheat."
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"Don't cheat, you got pregnant you have to raise the child,"
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