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Clips from South Park - Eek, a Penis! (S12E12)

"so then you have to raise a child while the white girls get to go"
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"to college and probably have a bunch more abortions."
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"It is at our most challenging times"
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"that we must cheat our very hardest."
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"And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago?"
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"- That's right. - Long whiskers or short?"
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"Short. And little fluffy ears."
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"I think so, sir."
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"No, no! Not like that! That's just silly."
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"Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese."
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"Whoa! Come on!"
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"Eeek!"
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"A penis? Where?"
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"- Eeek! - Eeek!"
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"- Where is it? - Look, there!"
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"- Come on!"
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"# - is feeling my despair - feeling my despair #"
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"# and this same moon"
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"# - is making them think, of-- - Making them think #"
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"There it is!"
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"No! No! No! No!"
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"Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone."
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"I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do."
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"A very ugly one. Come on, men."
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"Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores."
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"that they are going to let you take"
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"the Standardized advanced placement test"
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"- for college credit! - Alright! Cool, man. Yeah!"
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"in a private room at their location"
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"Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along!"
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"You made us believe in your way, and now it's all for nothing."
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"It's not for nothing!"
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"If you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them!"
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"Shut up man, you royally screwed us all!"
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"How do I reach these kids?"
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"Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said,"
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"You know what happened? They lost."
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"Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,"
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"you cannot give on cheating"
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"Yeah, come on. We can do this, guys."
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"cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water."
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"Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment"
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""If you love your penis, let it go?""
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"is considered one of the most difficult"
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"and all twenty four scored one hundred percent!"
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"We would like to present this plaque to the person"
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"Students and faculty, please put your hands together"
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"and help me in welcoming back Mr. Garrison."
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"Thanks, everyone. It's great to be back."
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"But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along."
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"Because the key difference between men and women,"
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"Woa, uh, wait. Hang on a second."
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"My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies."
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"Yeah, I'm back!"
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"It's like my whole life has just been one big screw up, you know?"
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"She's a woman, but then she got a sex change and became a man,"
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"which means she was still a woman all along."
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"That means I'm really still a man!"
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"I still feel like a man."
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"This sex change was a big mistake. Okay?"
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"I was on a lot of pain killers at the time,"
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"I deserve a God dammed penis!"
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"until you get your personal life in order, m'kay."
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"Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey, you have a penis!"
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"Okay, students,"
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"uh, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher."
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"So, uh, while we deal with this"
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"we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz."
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"Right here! Right here!"
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"Who else would like to be teacher for the day?"
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"Any other volunteers perhaps?"
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"Principal Victoria!"
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"Alright, alright, fine. Eric, you lead the class."
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"Yes!"
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"Now just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you"
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"Well, well, well..."
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"Yeah... who's teacher?"
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"You're not the teacher, fat ass."
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"And you will be wise not to interrupt"
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""Eek, A Penis!""
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"And then I see this person on Oprah."
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"What do you mean where am I gonna find a penis?!"
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"Anybody else?"
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"my class unless you want to be suspended!"
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"Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde."
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"If I gave you some of my DNA,"
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"I believe strict discipline along with compassion"
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"How'd you like to give it a shot?"
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"The only reason we scored high"
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"Stop penis! Come back here!"
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"Okay, everyone take a silly bus and pass it to the amigo behind you."
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"is because you haven't been taught"
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"I mean, because they cheat all the time."
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"Okay, you start on defense, amigo."
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"Okay, let's go. Your turn."
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"That's two to nothing, amigo."
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"I don't care, it's probably got all kinds of diseases."
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""I misinterpreted the rules." Good! Again!"
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"- Fluffy ears, okay. - Think you got it, Mitch?"
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"There it is! Eeek!"
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"The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud."
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"We will begin by reviewing how to print out"
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"Woah what the..."
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"who taught us the white people method,"
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"What do you want? I'm trying to teach."
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"we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop."
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"How about a little pickup game?"
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"What is that?"
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"Why do rich white girls get ahead in life?"
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"Sir, we might want to get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner."
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"I am here to teach you calculus."
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"You'll just have to live with being a woman."
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"I'll be right back."
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"is that women can have babies."
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"Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
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"There you are! Got you!"
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"What's the one thing I've been teaching you?"
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"Dude, you wanna do some math problems?"
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"have something they want to ask you."
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"Well, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon."
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