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Clips from Veep - Fundraiser (S01E01)

"Are you like a guy trying to be clever?"
Veep
"'Cause you seem like a guy who thinks he's being clever."
Veep
"Take a good look at me, okay?"
Veep
"Now ask yourself something, Mike."
Veep
"working above you or below you?"
Veep
"'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago"
Veep
"and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life"
Veep
"is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog."
Veep
"Do you want to follow this plan or not?"
Veep
"Make a calculation, buddy."
Veep
"In your poly-sci BA, did you ever learn how to write a press release?"
Veep
"I think I might have heard of that."
Veep
"-Let me teach you. -Okay."
Veep
"Did Jonah leave? Is he gone with that condolence card?"
Veep
"-What? -Not Selina's name, my name."
Veep
"Okay. Whoa, whoa. Okay, wait."
Veep
"How sure are you on a scale of one to 10? Like one is the..."
Veep
"Yeah, yeah, I can work out how the fucking scale will go, Gary."
Veep
"-Nine. -That's almost a full 10."
Veep
"-Yeah, I signed my name. -Oh. Father."
Veep
"It's gonna look like the Veep couldn't be bothered to sign"
Veep
"a condolence card for one of the most respected perverts in the Senate."
Veep
"If I were writing a memoir, which I'm not,"
Veep
"but if I were, whew, this would be a big moment."
Veep
"No one can know about this."
Veep
"-She cannot know about this. -SUE: Duh."
Veep
"GARY: So sorry. I just need to tell you something."
Veep
"What the fuck, Amy?"
Veep
"I am putting out two fires in there,"
Veep
"and I turn around to find out that you have set fire"
Veep
"Sorry, sorry, sorry."
Veep
"-Yeah, that's right. -Simple."
Veep
"You're gonna get on it."
Veep
"You are going to shut this the fuck down, okay?"
Veep
"fucktard."
Veep
"God!"
Veep
"Okay. It's fine."
Veep
"Mr. Burton. I am so sorry."
Veep
"We're having a complicated day here."
Veep
"I'm not happy about having to give this press briefing."
Veep
"Yeah, and of course your happiness is top of my agenda,"
Veep
"Where we fall in love and start fucking?"
Veep
"AMY: Gary is going to go to Jonah's office"
Veep
"and somewhat surreptitiously get the card back."
Veep
"I don't have a coat. I need to hide the card."
Veep
"There's coffee on my coat."
Veep
"SUE: Yeah, that's right. You can borrow my coat."
Veep
"Thank you, Sue. Thank you, Sue."
Veep
"-Thanks, Sue. -Solution-Sue."
Veep
"-Of course. There's some solutions. -Thank you."
Veep
"Thank you so much. That was really kind of you."
Veep
"-First of all, you should put the hood down. -I wasn't going to put the hood up."
Veep
"Thank you."
Veep
"-No, my God! -Okay, okay, a joke."
Veep
"Hello. Lightening the mood here."
Veep
"Amy, come up with a plan B. Okay? 'Cause..."
Veep
"Gary?"
Veep
"-Jonah. -Are you here"
Veep
"to steal the incorrectly-signed card, Gary?"
Veep
"-Come on, no. -This looks really bad."
Veep
"-It's not bad. -Gary, I'm a friend of yours."
Veep
"-At all. -I'm just kidding."
Veep
"Gary, loosen up, okay? I'm gonna give you the card, all right?"
Veep
"All right. To be honest, I was a little scared."
Veep
"-(LAUGHS) -Yeah, yeah."
Veep
"-It's just really... -Okay."
Veep
"-I'm sorry. -Let's just get to the bad part."
Veep
"Let's just get to the bad part 'cause I know you got one."
Veep
"I don't like tension. I got acid reflux. Let's get to the bad part."
Veep
"I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight."
Veep
"Okay, okay, okay. That's impossible."
Veep
"-Because she hates me. -Okay."
Veep
"-But Amy's an eight. -Okay."
Veep
"And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with"
Veep
"see that I am eight-capable,"
Veep
"then I'm going to be having some sex with an eight very soon."
Veep
"It is intern season, Gary."
Veep
"Do I look like a pimp to you?"
Veep
"You look exactly like a pimp."
Veep
"Dan, waiting for some crumbs to fall?"
Veep
"-Fuck off. -SUE: Uh, no."
Veep
"Got to talk to her for one moment, please."
Veep
"No, she's actually really burdened right now with a bunch of..."
Veep
"Sue, it'll take one second, literally."
Veep
"-Mike, she's spinning. -Okay. I'll come back."
Veep
"Hey! What's up, pumpkin?"
Veep
"What the fuck are you still doing here?"
Veep
"Vice President asked me to stop by."
Veep
"Right."
Veep
"(CHANTING) Go, Gary. Go, go, go, Gary."
Veep
"-No, you didn't. -Yes."
Veep
"-You got it? -Yes, I did."
Veep
"All right."
Veep
"Amy's got to go on a date with him tonight."
Veep
"-(LAUGHING) -Oh, no, she's not."
Veep
"He doesn't want to have sex with you. He just wants dinner and a movie."
Veep
"No, Amy is not going on a date with Jonah."
Veep
"Get a grip. It's a date and no sex."
Veep
"SELINA: Oh, God, no!"
Veep
"Make a hole! Make a hole! Make a hole!"
Veep
"-Oh, my God. -Look at this."
Veep
"-What? What? -Look."
Veep
"The President already signed this one."
Veep
"Okay? We're gonna have to forge the President's signature on the new one."
Veep
"GARY: Well, that's a capital offense."
Veep
"Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted for doing that, just so you know."
Veep
"I'm not here. I have plausible deniability."
Veep
"DAN: Look, I'll do it. I got it."
Veep
"The key is you do it upside down."
Veep
"That is extraordinary."
Veep
"Is there anything you can't do?"
Veep
"Foreplay, direct sunlight."
Veep
"-Ma'am, I am at your service. -Amy, yes."
Veep
"I wanted to talk to you about this."
Veep
"-here in the office. -Okay."
Veep
"-Great. -Not a problem."
Veep
"I'll get the BlackBerry fired up."
Veep
"-Sounds good to me. -Here we go."
Veep
"-Do you have a second? -Sure."
Veep
"You hired him? You hired the biggest bastard in DC?"
Veep
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