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Clips from Veep - Fundraiser (S01E01)

"It's funny enough for these people."
Veep
"It's fine, I can do it. I can't... I don't know what that is."
Veep
"Please welcome Vice President Selina Meyer."
Veep
"-Go for the money. -It's just pennies."
Veep
"Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests,"
Veep
"I have stepped into the President's shoes this evening,"
Veep
"and who knew he wore kitten heels?"
Veep
"(LAUGHING)"
Veep
"He's more of a stilettos kind of guy."
Veep
"Um..."
Veep
"(STAMMERS)"
Veep
"All kidding aside,"
Veep
"I am reminded tonight"
Veep
"of the Late Senator David Reeves."
Veep
"He died."
Veep
"He's dead now."
Veep
"And I remember dear David"
Veep
"talking to the President and myself"
Veep
"about the absurdity of allowing"
Veep
"multiple filibusters on a single bill."
Veep
"And..."
Veep
"Politics is about people."
Veep
"It's about people."
Veep
"-Uh... -Is your guy gonna be tweeting about this?"
Veep
"(CROWD LAUGHING)"
Veep
"that guy is no longer in a position to pay his iPhone contract."
Veep
"That's because Mike McLintock there threw him into the Potomac River."
Veep
"(LAUGHING STOPS)"
Veep
"Uh..."
Veep
"So..."
Veep
"I know. I know. I know what I said."
Veep
"AMY: It's the use of the word "retard.""
Veep
"-It's just not... -But it was a joke. It was a joke."
Veep
"And then everything went silent."
Veep
"If I could, I think it would behoove you to make an apology"
Veep
"as soon as possible, in which case I can get someone in your office"
Veep
"from an appropriate mental health charity..."
Veep
"Look, it's going to be in the papers tomorrow."
Veep
"Not necessarily. Let's not make it the story and panic, okay?"
Veep
"-What if Tom Hanks dies? -What?"
Veep
"-What a dark thought. -I'm not wishing that."
Veep
"I'm saying anything could happen."
Veep
"Tom Hanks could die, there could be a forest fire in LA."
Veep
"How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy"
Veep
"based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna..."
Veep
"-Did somebody order a dick-o-gram here? -AMY: Yes, seemingly."
Veep
"Can we not strategize in a closet?"
Veep
"All right, what we're gonna do is we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay?"
Veep
"But you guys surround me, very purposeful."
Veep
"-Like a human motorcade. -Exactly."
Veep
"-We're discussing important things. -Like the pope."
Veep
"Smiling. And we're gonna talk about that."
Veep
"It's not enough of a motor..."
Veep
"Surround me more, though. Surround it."
Veep
"I need to keep these off your jacket 'cause the static attracts and retains dirt."
Veep
"SELINA: Thank you, Gary. Making physics fun."
Veep
"AMY: Every minute that we delay, "retard" goes up a font size."
Veep
"Mike, I think that we're gonna have to have you pull an all-nighter."
Veep
"No, I can't. I've got the dog."
Veep
"Okay, listen. Mike, you go home."
Veep
"Feed the dog. Walk the dog."
Veep
"Shoot the dog. Bury the dog."
Veep
"-And then come back in, okay? -The dog will be fine."
Veep
"She was trying to be funny."
Veep
"I know. She's not funny. Of course I know that."
Veep
"No,no,no. She won't be available for that, either. No."
Veep
"I can't say no to you again, so I'm just going to..."
Veep
"Good morning."
Veep
"Seen this?"
Veep
"Everybody seen it? Everybody got a good look?"
Veep
"Front page of the style section of The Washington Post."
Veep
"You're the head of communications, is that correct?"
Veep
"-Yes, ma'am. -Tuck your shirt in."
Veep
"Okay? Your dick is hanging out of your pants."
Veep
"Sue, did the President call?"
Veep
"-No. -No."
Veep
"-Hey, everyone. -God."
Veep
"What colossal fuckup are we dealing with this morning?"
Veep
"Did the Veep kill the last remaining snow leopard?"
Veep
"Did she firebomb a hospice?"
Veep
"Gary, could you please ignore Jonah for me?"
Veep
"What do you want, Jonah?"
Veep
"POTUS has signed, the VPOTUS needs to sign."
Veep
"You talk as if you're passing the Civil Rights Act."
Veep
"-Look alive, gang. -Hey, good-looking. What you got cooking?"
Veep
"Dickwad pie?"
Veep
"Amy, this is Paul Burton."
Veep
"He's the chair of the American Foundation for Adult Mental Disabilities."
Veep
"-Hi. How are you? -Hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm Amy."
Veep
"-Thank you. -Did you know that I have my own flag?"
Veep
"Ma'am, I have a condolence card here for Senator Reeves' widow."
Veep
"Oh, uh, Amy, can you..."
Veep
"-Shouldn't that be three? -Two is good."
Veep
"When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card."
Veep
"Okay? That's how Washington works."
Veep
"-I will sign it. -Fine, thank you."
Veep
"That was her telling me to sign her name."
Veep
"If she'd wanted me to sign your name, she would have done this..."
Veep
"(GRUNTING)"
Veep
"That didn't get me."
Veep
"SELINA: I mean, I misjudged things."
Veep
"Fundamentally, I would say I misjoked."
Veep
"I mean, if we were gonna really be..."
Veep
"Ha-ha! Tall, dark and tiresome,"
Veep
"you need to get back to your boss's corner."
Veep
"Hallowes is on the ropes. She was reported by the blog"
Veep
"saying that the Late Senator Reeves had a history of sexual misconduct."
Veep
"Yeah, well, you know what? I don't work for Senator Hallowes."
Veep
"I resigned just about an hour ago."
Veep
"-Are you kidding me? -Yeah, right after I leaked that story."
Veep
"-What are you planning? -What?"
Veep
"-What? -What?"
Veep
"MIKE: Yeah."
Veep
"-'Cause this is shady shit. -Okay."
Veep
"All right, Mike, here's what we do, okay?"
Veep
"At the 11:30, you say that Senator Hallowes not only insulted the Late Senator Reeves,"
Veep
"but that she also encouraged..."
Veep
"No, wait, strike that."
Veep
"She goaded the VP into using the word retard in a joke."
Veep
"Senator Hallowes is responsible for "Retardgate.""
Veep
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