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Clips from Veep - Fundraiser (S01E01)

"She is such a fucking bitch."
Veep
"So today at the 3:30 press call, what do you want me to say about plastics?"
Veep
"-I think our best agenda is to reassure... -Whoa!"
Veep
"-I know. Don't tell me. -What?"
Veep
"'Cause if I genuinely don't know, then those bastards can't make me tell them."
Veep
"Anyways, what motto? I don't have a motto."
Veep
"Hey, Sue. Did the President call?"
Veep
"Sue, that is a lovely dress."
Veep
"-Thank you, Gary. Madam Vice President. -Yeah?"
Veep
"-Okay. -The diary's been violated."
Veep
"Ma'am, here's your coffee. It's really hot."
Veep
"Can you put it down right there?"
Veep
"Oh, Gary. Um..."
Veep
"(SIGHS) Oh, my God, what was I just gonna say?"
Veep
"(EXHALES)"
Veep
"Oh. I don't know. It just went out of my head."
Veep
"-It'll come to me later. -Okay."
Veep
"And Jonah is here from the White House."
Veep
"I told him you were too busy to see him,"
Veep
"but, as you see, he ignored me and, by implication, you."
Veep
"-Hi. -Oh, Madam Vice President."
Veep
"Close the door. On your way out, close it. Quickly. Quick, quick."
Veep
"Quick, quick. God almighty."
Veep
"No."
Veep
"You, did you check the Wikipedia? Did they change her weight again?"
Veep
"Somebody keeps hacking into the site and changing her weight."
Veep
"Oh, Jonah."
Veep
"Good new Italian place opened up downtown, Amy."
Veep
"-You like Italian? -I love Italian, Jonah,"
Veep
"but still, unfortunately, really dislike you."
Veep
"It's the guy from My Left Foot."
Veep
"Jonah, how many times have you talked to the President today?"
Veep
"Oh, you want to know?"
Veep
"-He actually spoke to me four times today. -Four?"
Veep
"Briefing room, NSC meeting, hallway twice."
Veep
"And in each of those did he say,"
Veep
""Someone get this freak the fuck away from me?""
Veep
"-(AMY LAUGHS) -Hi, Jonah."
Veep
"What's the news from the mountaintop?"
Veep
"Can you do me there?"
Veep
"-Doing you. -What?"
Veep
"SRVA Fundraiser tonight instead of the President."
Veep
"-Oh, no, that's not gonna happen. -Not on the schedule."
Veep
"The POTUS doesn't want to get hit with questions on the fiscal responsibility bill."
Veep
"You just have other areas of expertise."
Veep
"Yeah, it's not gonna happen. I'm busy tonight."
Veep
"Yeah, we're positioning ourselves right now with the Clean Jobs Commission."
Veep
"But the President of the United States of America"
Veep
"is very keen"
Veep
"that your going to the fund-raiser should be"
Veep
"fundamentally the sequence of events"
Veep
"I will make a call."
Veep
"-Thank you. -And I'd like you to watch your tone with me."
Veep
"-I will watch my tone. -Yeah."
Veep
"And, Mike, you need to be there, too, okay?"
Veep
"Don't tell me what to do, Doogie Fucking Howser."
Veep
"I don't know what that means."
Veep
"-Or your Left Foot thing. -Great movie."
Veep
"Okay, I'm going to go back to the White House."
Veep
"That address makes me hard."
Veep
"Kiss you, miss you."
Veep
"(SIRENS BLARING)"
Veep
"Hey, Mike."
Veep
"What would you say were the two biggest campaign mistakes that we made?"
Veep
"You looked tired a lot and the hat."
Veep
"-I liked the hat. What are you talking about? -The hat hurt us."
Veep
"Your head looked weird in the hat, that's all I'm gonna say."
Veep
"Okay... What do you think of Dan?"
Veep
"Oh, Dan is a shit."
Veep
"You want to expand on that?"
Veep
"Sure. He's a massive and total shit."
Veep
"When you first meet him, you think surely to God"
Veep
"this man can't be as big a shit as he seems,"
Veep
"but he is."
Veep
"-See, I... -'Cause like if there were a book"
Veep
"with covers made of shit, you'd think, "That's intriguing."
Veep
""I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit"
Veep
""to give it covers made of pure shit.""
Veep
"And then you open it and... Shit."
Veep
"-(APPLAUSE) -Thank you so much. Yes."
Veep
"How are you? I see you. I see you."
Veep
"There's Congresswoman Clements, you should speak with her."
Veep
"She's got a small moustache. It's a little disturbing."
Veep
"-Don't stare at it, okay? -Oh. Mmm-hmm."
Veep
"The podium is definitely too high."
Veep
"-Box me, Gary. Box me. -Oh, yeah, yeah."
Veep
"(GRUNTS)"
Veep
"Stay away from both. The utensils are politicized."
Veep
"You could use celery as a kind of shovel."
Veep
"She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career."
Veep
"-I really like her. -That's the one."
Veep
"-She's great. -That's the one."
Veep
"We need to talk about the VP's speech, okay?"
Veep
"-What? -Can I just..."
Veep
"-Don't grab my shit. -Thank you."
Veep
"White House says we need to majorly redact this, okay?"
Veep
"I'll redact your fucking face."
Veep
"The White House does not want anything in the papers tomorrow about oil, okay?"
Veep
"-What? -Or plastics."
Veep
"-Nothing about cornstarch. -Her whole position is green jobs."
Veep
"You love this. You love this."
Veep
"I'm not gonna say I don't enjoy it."
Veep
"Ladies and gentlemen, I want to welcome you all"
Veep
"here tonight and thank you for coming."
Veep
"-Hi, Selina. -Hey."
Veep
"-Just a small change in the speech. -What is that?"
Veep
"(SIGHS) Plastics apparently talked to the President."
Veep
"The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic."
Veep
"Just wing it."
Veep
"This has been pencil-fucked completely?"
Veep
"Yes, front and back. Very little romance."
Veep
"That's the entire speech, okay?"
Veep
"What's left here? I've got "Hello," and I have prepositions."
Veep
"You could talk about your boat or something like that."
Veep
"Gary, seriously, can you just shut up for 10 seconds?"
Veep
"Okay, now I can't read what you're writing."
Veep
"Hit that one. That's a home run."
Veep
"That's your Sergeant Pepper’s."
Veep
"We can also use my kitten heels gag."
Veep
"-All right. Is that funny? -No."
Veep
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