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Clips from Veep - Fundraiser (S01E01)

"What's wrong? That was your bad okay. What's wrong?"
Veep
"Senator Mike Dudley. He's interested in maps."
Veep
"-Mike, you found us. -Oh, Madam Vice President."
Veep
"-Is that a map joke? -(LAUGHS) Yes, it is."
Veep
"-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -Sorry. Excuse me."
Veep
"-Okay. -Let's talk about this blog thing."
Veep
"-Guys, what's going on right now? -I can explain that."
Veep
"What is happening right now?"
Veep
"Brett Kagan's blog picked up a tweet from us."
Veep
"Quote, ”76% of government buildings now have cornstarch utensils!"
Veep
"”Let's make it 100! Let's make plastic utensils extinct!”"
Veep
"Oh, great, we've upset the plastics industry."
Veep
"This whole building is bankrolled by plastics."
Veep
"This is why nobody showed up."
Veep
"-I don't know who this man is. -Hello."
Veep
"Mike, talk to me. lam in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche."
Veep
"Okay, here comes Dorsey with your coffee."
Veep
"Gary, I have large, moving shapes covered."
Veep
"-Okay. Okay. -Okay?"
Veep
"-(WHISPERS) Here's your coffee. -Oh, my..."
Veep
"I'll get it. I got it. I got it."
Veep
"AMY: Okay, here's what we do. Here's what we do."
Veep
"You should meet with Senator Hallowes. She is so tight with the plastics people, it's..."
Veep
"Are you kidding?"
Veep
"Do these not bend the fuck back?"
Veep
"No. No."
Veep
"What am I supposed to do with this? I'm supposed to eat around corners?"
Veep
"Is that how it's gonna work? Here, take this, please."
Veep
"We could even give Hallowes a post on your Clean Jobs Commission,"
Veep
"-keep plastics happy. -That's actually a great idea."
Veep
"-You should mingle. -Mingle?"
Veep
"How do you suggest that I mingle with this few people?"
Veep
"Did Simon mingle with Garfunkel?"
Veep
"They worked together. They probably socialized together."
Veep
"I'm sure they did, right?"
Veep
"Madam Vice President. Hi, I'm Dan Egan."
Veep
"I'm director of communications for Senator Hallowes."
Veep
"-Oh, good. -Currently."
Veep
"I just want to say that I'm a huge fan of the Clean Jobs initiative."
Veep
"Oh, thank you."
Veep
"You know what I say, it's a dirty job and I love to do it."
Veep
"-That's funny. I actually... -SELINA: Barbara?"
Veep
"-Selina, hi. -Hi."
Veep
"The Vice President, or Veep, has managed to punch her way through."
Veep
"Barbara, it's so good to see you."
Veep
"-It's good to see you. -What have I been missing here?"
Veep
"Power. (LAUGHS) I'm kidding!"
Veep
"-Oh, Selina. -I know. I know."
Veep
"Coffee for the Vice President, please, Dan."
Veep
"Guess what? I've managed to get a fresh batch"
Veep
"of those European sweeteners you like so much."
Veep
"Oh. Thanks, Gary. Yeah, they're great sweeteners."
Veep
"Actually, they're just sweeteners I got at a NATO meeting last year."
Veep
"They really taste rather, um,"
Veep
"unpleasant."
Veep
"Kind of bitter."
Veep
"So, Dan, are you enjoying working for Hallowes?"
Veep
"Not really. She's middle of the road."
Veep
"She's mediocre, really. Of all the "ocres," she's the mediest."
Veep
"Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot."
Veep
"It's a nice bag, Gary."
Veep
"You know, he calls that "the Leviathan.""
Veep
"Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?"
Veep
"Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?"
Veep
"You still got that guy Mike in your press shop?"
Veep
"-Yes. -He ran press for Moses, didn't he?"
Veep
"-Oh, God. -Is there like an espresso thing?"
Veep
"-A little podule or anything? -Jesus fucking Christ."
Veep
"All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod,"
Veep
"hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds."
Veep
"Yeah, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fucking bitch bag."
Veep
"Oh, my God."
Veep
"Dan seems nice."
Veep
"-He's new. -He is great."
Veep
"Very loyal. I got him from an Ohio Congresswoman."
Veep
"You know, he's dating my daughter."
Veep
"Of course not. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry."
Veep
"-Carol. -(CHUCKLES)"
Veep
"-How are your kids? -Uh, she's good."
Veep
"-Oh, good, good. -Great. Great."
Veep
"-I understand you're busy. -I am."
Veep
"But I wanted to talk to you about coming onboard the Clean Jobs Commission."
Veep
"To get plastics off your back?"
Veep
"No, sorry, Selina. That would be bad for me."
Veep
"Honey, what is plastics made of?"
Veep
"You piss off plastics, you piss off oil."
Veep
"And you do not want to fuck with those guys"
Veep
"because they fuck in a very unpleasant fashion."
Veep
"(STAMMERING) Barbara, are you really willing to sell your soul"
Veep
"and the holders for toothbrushes?"
Veep
"Yeah, they're the guys who fund the members"
Veep
"of your Clean Jobs Commission."
Veep
"I could draw you a diagram, but it would be a very simple diagram."
Veep
"Oh, I can handle geometry, Barbara, all right?"
Veep
"-Come on, I've got to get going. -Yes, I have a ton on my agenda as well."
Veep
"-Oh. GASPS)"
Veep
"Oh."
Veep
"He was old even then."
Veep
"-Was he full of wisdom? -He was full of bourbon."
Veep
"-Remember that? -And God rest his soul."
Veep
"Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet?"
Veep
"-Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard. -I know."
Veep
"I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there."
Veep
"(LAUGHS) That's a good one. "Your own retard." Nice."
Veep
"-See you downstairs. -Yeah."
Veep
"-Honor to have met you, Madam. -Oh, thank you, Dan."
Veep
"I really admired your primaries campaign."
Veep
"Oh. How nice. Thank you very much."
Veep
"Two things I would have done differently."
Veep
"Two things? Oh, no kidding. What were they?"
Veep
"I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag."
Veep
"And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon,"
Veep
"made you seem mean before you had to be."
Veep
"But, I mean, you're the old pro here."
Veep
"-GARY: Ooh! -You're the pro."
Veep
"Well, I'll keep that in mind."
Veep
"MIKE: Sorry about the Senate meeting."
Veep
"Yeah, it was like a funeral for a homeless guy."
Veep
"-How was Hallowes? -Oh, you know, the usual."
Veep
"(MOCKING ACCENT) ”Selina, hi."
Veep
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