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Clips from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace - Once Upon a Beginning (S01E01)

"Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve.

""Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

"and bits of sick."

""and bits of sick.""

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Most of you will know me from my extensive canon of chillers

"Most of you will know me from my extensive canon of chillers"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

including Afterbirth in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.

"including Afterbirth in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

A TV programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamned crazy,

"A TV programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamned crazy,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

that the powers that be became too scared to show it, and gipped me

"that the powers that be became too scared to show it, and gipped me"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

much in the way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.

"much in the way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand,

"does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

and let it loose on its unsuspecting public. That's you.

"and let it loose on its unsuspecting public. That's you."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

So finally, here is Darkplace, for the first time on British TV - it had a brief run in Peru -

"So finally, here is Darkplace, for the first time on British TV - it had a brief run in Peru -"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'You are entering my Darkplace.'

"'You are entering my Darkplace.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale. I aced every semester and got an A.

"I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale. I aced every semester and got an A."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Our last doctor recently died in horrific circumstances.

"Our last doctor recently died in horrific circumstances."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

This is the 20thC after all. Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.

"This is the 20thC after all. Welcome to Darkplace, Liz."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Argh!

"Argh!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Argh!

"Argh!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I'm one of the few people who've written more books than they've read.

"I'm one of the few people who've written more books than they've read."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, comme d'habitude,

"I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, comme d'habitude,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

and I said to Garth,

"and I said to Garth,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'I got the call too early to grab a shower,

"'I got the call too early to grab a shower,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Your daddy's very sick, champ.

"Your daddy's very sick, champ."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

We're doing all we can, but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now.

"We're doing all we can, but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

BEEPING

"BEEPING"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

That's my boss. I've gotta go.

"That's my boss. I've gotta go."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

They work you too hard here. They should pay you a hero's wage.

"They work you too hard here. They should pay you a hero's wage."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- You're a good kid. - And you're a great doctor.

"- You're a good kid. - And you're a great doctor."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Dean's not an actor.

"Dean's not an actor."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

We've got a situation. A lass has just cracked her nut and if she croaks, my ass is grass.

"We've got a situation. A lass has just cracked her nut and if she croaks, my ass is grass."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'Head of the department. A ball buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.'

"'Head of the department. A ball buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

The Lucozade seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions.

"The Lucozade seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Don't mention it.

"Don't mention it."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Argh!

"Argh!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- You've heard of me? - Who in medicine hasn't?

"- You've heard of me? - Who in medicine hasn't?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Don't believe everything you read.

"Don't believe everything you read."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny. I had a vision. I'm a psychic.

"I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny. I had a vision. I'm a psychic."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- And I'm Bo Derek. - No, you're not.

"- And I'm Bo Derek. - No, you're not."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Stop being sarcastic.

"Stop being sarcastic."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'Yes, that makes sense.'

"'Yes, that makes sense.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Come on, I'll lend you money for a coffee.

"Come on, I'll lend you money for a coffee."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'There's a clean sofa and the coffee's complimentary.

"'There's a clean sofa and the coffee's complimentary."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'When Sanchez heard what Liz had to say, he nearly split a log.'

"'When Sanchez heard what Liz had to say, he nearly split a log.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

or will happen to a patient in Darkplace?

"or will happen to a patient in Darkplace?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- Room 213. - 'That's where Renwick is.'

"- Room 213. - 'That's where Renwick is.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Who's Renwick?

"Who's Renwick?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

No-one. Forget it.

"No-one. Forget it."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- I don't know what you're talking about. - Yes, you do.

"- I don't know what you're talking about. - Yes, you do."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

You're right. I do.

"You're right. I do."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

He went axe-happy on a trout farm - killed 60 fish.

"He went axe-happy on a trout farm - killed 60 fish."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- You knew him, didn't you? - You really are psychic.

"- You knew him, didn't you? - You really are psychic."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Impressive, but don't do that on the ward.

"Impressive, but don't do that on the ward."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?

"So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

God, he was brainy... and brave.

"God, he was brainy... and brave."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

One night. Larry suggested we open the gates of hell in the canteen.

"One night. Larry suggested we open the gates of hell in the canteen."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I re-closed the gates of hell but Darkplace hasn't been the same since.

"I re-closed the gates of hell but Darkplace hasn't been the same since."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

With Larry back, it feels like the gates could re-open any second

"With Larry back, it feels like the gates could re-open any second"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

That's true.

"That's true."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Sanch, I suggest you and I pay Larry a visit, before it's too late, cos it's 8 p.m. now.

"Sanch, I suggest you and I pay Larry a visit, before it's too late, cos it's 8 p.m. now."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape. Hang back.

"but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape. Hang back."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

THUMP

"THUMP"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

No, you're gonna make it. I'll get help.

"No, you're gonna make it. I'll get help."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Rick, I beg you, kill me.

"Rick, I beg you, kill me."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

It really hurts.

"It really hurts."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I beg ya.

"I beg ya."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I'll get a mop.

"I'll get a mop."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

whether it was a colleague or a pet...

"whether it was a colleague or a pet..."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

...but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him.

"...but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that.

"But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Thanks for explaining the situation.

"Thanks for explaining the situation."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I'm gonna give him the rollicking of his life.

"I'm gonna give him the rollicking of his life."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Sanch, I thought we were buddies.

"Sanch, I thought we were buddies."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I agree with that.

"I agree with that."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug!

"This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Emotions are running high. What do you suggest, Dag?

"Emotions are running high. What do you suggest, Dag?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Burn what's left of the body.

"Burn what's left of the body."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

(Sanchez) Get lost.

"(Sanchez) Get lost."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Cool it, or get a knuckle supper.

"Cool it, or get a knuckle supper."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Go make me a pill that cures madness

"Go make me a pill that cures madness"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

As crystal.

"As crystal."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'I went for a drive to clear my head, which is why I'm now in the car.

"'I went for a drive to clear my head, which is why I'm now in the car."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

and there's a half-price sale on weird.

"and there's a half-price sale on weird."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

but the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

"but the Lord moves in mysterious ways."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

SIRENS WAIL

"SIRENS WAIL"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Here.

"Here."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

You'd best go see to the mother, I had to put a cap in her shoulder.

"You'd best go see to the mother, I had to put a cap in her shoulder."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

- You did what you had to do. - I know, but do tell her I'm sorry.

"- You did what you had to do. - I know, but do tell her I'm sorry."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

...thanks, buddy.

"...thanks, buddy."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Rick, where are you going?

"Rick, where are you going?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

To get some air.

"To get some air."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

To get away.

"To get away."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'Not the literal doors of the building,

"'Not the literal doors of the building,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond.

"'but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'Doors hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles.

"'Doors hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

(Dean) 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production

"(Dean) 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

"Blood? Blood. Crimson, copper-smelling blood. His blood.

""Blood? Blood. Crimson, copper-smelling blood. His blood."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

"Blood... blood.

""Blood... blood."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

"Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history,

"Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

asking if your humble fabulist could retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his basement

"asking if your humble fabulist could retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his basement"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Naturellement, I relented, and spent three hours of my life

"Naturellement, I relented, and spent three hours of my life"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

namely myself and my publisher Dean Learner.

"namely myself and my publisher Dean Learner."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

sit back, dim the lights or switch them off if you don't have dimmers,

"sit back, dim the lights or switch them off if you don't have dimmers,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

put conventional logic to one side, and enjoy.

"put conventional logic to one side, and enjoy."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Well, I say enjoy...

"Well, I say enjoy..."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'I'm Garth Marenghi - author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.

"'I'm Garth Marenghi - author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'Funny, that cat just told me to leave.'

"'Funny, that cat just told me to leave.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Hi. I've come to apply for the doctor's job.

"Hi. I've come to apply for the doctor's job."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Can you start immediately?

"Can you start immediately?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

No. I've paged Dr Sanchez, he'll be here any minute.

"No. I've paged Dr Sanchez, he'll be here any minute."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Not at all. There's plenty of skirt on the ward.

"Not at all. There's plenty of skirt on the ward."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

My hand!

"My hand!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Argh!

"Argh!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

PULSING

"PULSING"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Argh!

"Argh!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Argh!

"Argh!"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Whoa! Are you all right?

"Whoa! Are you all right?"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I took the novel as far as it could go.

"I took the novel as far as it could go."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

looked straight into his face, never been afraid at holding a man's gaze, it's natural.

"looked straight into his face, never been afraid at holding a man's gaze, it's natural."

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

"and I do not say that lightly."

""and I do not say that lightly.""

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.'

"'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.'"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

'Some little missy took a nosedive in reception,

"'Some little missy took a nosedive in reception,"

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

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