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Clips from How I Met Your Mother - The Wedding Bride (S05E05)

"- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Oh!"
How I Met Your Mother
"OLDER TED: Yeah, it's there."
How I Met Your Mother
"That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce."
How I Met Your Mother
"(LAUGHS)"
How I Met Your Mother
"No. The but is, there's always gonna be a but."
How I Met Your Mother
"Actually, it's porn."
How I Met Your Mother
"Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage,"
How I Met Your Mother
"I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were happy."
How I Met Your Mother
"Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her,"
How I Met Your Mother
"- Grandmother issues. - Definitely do not."
How I Met Your Mother
"How is being nice baggage?"
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"Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that."
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"That's normal."
How I Met Your Mother
"and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van."
How I Met Your Mother
"so Marshall gave them our address."
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"His high school mascot was a hug."
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"or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it,"
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"so let's try for the 7:10."
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"- for the first time, I could've sworn... - This movie is about me, Marshall."
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"I'm taller than that guy."
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"It was one time. I was on cold medicine."
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"This is a terrible movie! And it got everything wrong."
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"Well, here's how it went in the movie."
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"- Here. Put this on your finger. - Hey!"
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"Well, according to the movie..."
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"AUDIENCE: Aw!"
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"Is what I would say if I ever plan on seeing such an awful film."
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"You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley!"
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"Can-do's-ville, babydoll."
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"No! No! No! Stop doing that!"
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"(ALL LAUGHING)"
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"It was just so real."
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"Hey, how come you said "oh, no" when the movie started?"
How I Met Your Mother
"OLDER TED: That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me."
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"(ALL CHATTERING)"
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"Unfortunately..."
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"He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo, the way he pronounces encyclopedia."
How I Met Your Mother
"- Encyclopaedia. - Encyclopaedia."
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"No. You know what? No, Ted is not screwed."
How I Met Your Mother
"And you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby."
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"A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things."
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"(SLURPING)"
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"Look, there's something I need to say."
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"- And now she's with some jerk... - And now she's with this jerk"
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"- this isn't me. - TONY: ... this isn't you."
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"- I promised to make you my wife. ...I promised to make you some pancakes."
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"...can you let me make you my wedding bride?"
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"But like anything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it."
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"I'm really glad I can open up to you."
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"Three times."
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"(GROANS)"
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"ENGLISH - US - SDH"
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"OLDER TED: Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great."
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"But by the time you reach your 30s,"
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"you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage."
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"Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there,"
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"but sooner or later..."
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"It's my ex. Sorry, we're trying to remain friends."
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"Hi, pumpkin. Did you get our tickets to Maui?"
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"She was smart, beautiful..."
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"Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together."
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"- But... - Exactly. That's the problem."
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"Her butt?"
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"- What is it, too much? - Too little?"
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"Or is it an issue of access?"
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"No matter how great things are going, sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined."
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"When she turns 30."
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"When I find out what her baggage is."
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"It's there. I don't know what it is, but when I do, party's over."
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"Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage."
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"Baggage is a good thing?"
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"Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export."
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"- ALL: Porn. - Porn."
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"Only women with major baggage go into porn."
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"- Major baggage. - Major baggage."
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"Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it."
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"that baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and..."
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"Oh, I'm drawing a blank here. How did that work out again?"
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"OLDER TED: Here's how it worked out."
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"But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex-boyfriend,"
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"and Stella ran off with him to California,"
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"leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken."
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"Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful."
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"But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable."
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"Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage."
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"- Great-grandmother issues. - I just don't like it when she picks me up."
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"And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice."
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"Have you ever seen you walk down the street?"
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"I don't even know how to answer that."
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"Well, let me help you out."
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"That ought to do it."
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"Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be..."
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"(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)"
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"(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)"
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"There is only one street where that is normal."
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"Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it."
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"Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice."
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"Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage."
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"Best baggage, hates her dad,"
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"and thinks she's fat but isn't."
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"Angry sex on the first date,"
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"and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone."
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"Why do you guys hang out with me?"
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"OLDER TED: That night, on my date with Royce,"
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"I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be."
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"So is spaghetti your specialty?"
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"No. The main event is my pancakes."
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"I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane."
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"My dad used to make multi-grain pancakes."
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"He's the one who got me working in porn."
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"You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition."
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"It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't have access to sports or healthy food."
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"(EXHALES IN RELIEF)"
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"That reminds me, I killed my brother"
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"with this joke I told him last night."
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"A barber, a stripper and a Jew..."
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"...Iliard-trained violinist, walked into a bar."
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"OLDER TED: I looked and looked and looked,"
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"but it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about."
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"Until we went to go see a movie."
How I Met Your Mother
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