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Clips from Three's Company - Roper's Car (S02E02)

"The second word doesn't count, because the first word came first,"
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"and that's why I'm going with the first word."
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"But you don't own the car anymore."
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"Yeah. Two shakes of a rat's tail."
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"Helen, I'm doing this for you, my darling sweetheart."
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"Did he say that, or are you a ventriloquist?"
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"Helen, think of all the lovely things I can buy for you with $1200."
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"Yeah. A new power drill."
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"Yeah, a new power drill."
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"Well, you like me to fix things around the house, don't you?"
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"Yeah. I'd like you to start with your head."
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"Helen, I'm gonna get that car back! Look, Stanley,"
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"you cheat those kids, and you're gonna regret it!"
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"I'll... I'll... I'll withhold my favors."
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"Now I've gotta get that car back."
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"Sit! Y... Mmm."
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"but we don't have to trick the kids."
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"I'm sure if you leveled with them,"
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"they'd split the 1200 with us."
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"Split the 1200? Never!"
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"If you don't promise to split with them,"
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"I'll go up there and tell them they should keep the car..."
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"and sell it for whatever they can get for it."
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"Wait a minute. I'll go up and tell them that I'll split with them."
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"You promise? I promise."
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"Thank you, Stanley."
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"But you gotta promise me something."
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"Yeah? What?"
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"That you'll still withhold your favors."
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"I'm really getting the hang of sewing."
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"It's only taken me four weeks to hem these pants."
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"There we go."
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"Ta-da!"
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"[ Clicks Tongue ] Oh, no."
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"Oh, don't worry, Chrissy."
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"They'll look just fine as long as you walk with one foot in the gutter."
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"[ Sighs ] [ Grunting ]"
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"Touchdown!"
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"Oh, I'm sorry, Chrissy."
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"- Hi, team. - Hey, are you back from the garage already?"
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"Yeah. I thought it took longer than that to have the oil changed."
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"Uh, the mechanic said not to change it."
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"Oh, good! I can hardly wait to drive up the coast tomorrow."
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"That was really a smart thing you did, making us buy that car."
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"Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Jack."
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"Uh... Wh... Why did the mechanic say not to change the oil in the car?"
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"Uh, because of the transmission."
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"- What about the transmission? - The oil is the only thing holding it together."
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"That was really a dumb thing you did, making us buy that car."
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"- It's just one of those rotten breaks. - "Rotten brakes"?"
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"Yeah, the car's got those too. Oh, gee! Oh!"
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"Is there anything else wrong with it?"
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"You mean, besides the shock absorbers and the water pump?"
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"How much is it gonna cost to fix all this?"
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"You don't wanna know, and I don't wanna tell you."
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"In the olden days, they used to chop off the"
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"head of the bearer of bad news with an ax."
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"How much? $300."
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"Get the ax. I'm sorry."
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"Gee whiz, Jack! Where are we gonna get $300?"
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"If we sold the car, we could get 200."
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"Listen, you, this is all your fault."
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"You told us we could handle that car. Don't blame me."
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"That I'm stupid, stupid, stupid! Don't stop me. Jack, please..."
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"Who is stopping you? Harder, harder! [ Doorbell Rings ]"
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"I thought women were supposed to be forgiving. I am forgiving."
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"I'm "for giving" you a good, swift kick... Hey!"
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"Hello. Mr. Roper."
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"Nice to see ya."
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"Uh, I was just thinking about the car."
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"- It may not be as good as it looks. - Oh, it's as good as it looks."
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"- Yeah, but something could go wrong with it, like tomorrow. - Or even sooner."
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"Yeah. See? I wouldn't want that on my conscience."
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"- You trying to say something? - Yeah. I just spoke to Mrs. Roper,"
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"and she finally agreed with me."
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"- Uh, I'm gonna make a split with you. - A "split"?"
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"Yeah. I'll take the car back, and I'll give you back your money."
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"- [ Together ] What? - I'll give you 50 bucks on top, just for your trouble."
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"$50? Okay, 75."
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"Is it a deal? Is it a deal? Is it a deal?"
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"- It is not a deal. - Chrissy. Chrissy,"
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"the nice man has just offered to take back his car!"
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"It is not a deal."
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"Boy, Chrissy, you are tough."
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"Okay, $100, but that's my final offer."
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"- [ Together ] We'll take it! - We won't take it."
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"[ Groaning ]"
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"Could I see you two in the kitchen, please?"
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"Certainly, certainly. Would you excuse us for a minute, Mr. Roper?"
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"Don't leave. Here, read something."
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"Are you nuts? It's the answer to our prayers."
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"That is not true. Nobody prayed."
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"Okay, Chrissy. Okay."
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"We'll start now, okay? Please make Chrissy change her mind."
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"Or better yet, give her one."
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"It is not honest to sell him back his car without telling him what's wrong with it."
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"You don't think he knows? Do you think Mr. Roper..."
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"would've sold us his car if he knew what was wrong with it?"
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"Well, even so, we gotta be honest with him, or it's no deal."
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"Mr. Roper? Yes?"
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"Before we let you buy your car back,"
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"you ought to know that there are a lot of things wrong with it."
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"Really? Like what?"
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"Tell him. [ Clears Throat ]"
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"Well, uh, it needs brakes."
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"Okay."
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"And shocks. Okay."
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"And a new water pump. A few bucks, that's all."
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"That's it. No. Jack, you forgot something."
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"What? The transmission."
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"Well, is it a deal?"
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"Okay. [ Chuckles ]"
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"Here's your money, plus $100. Okay."
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"But do me a favor. Don't tell Mrs. Roper about the 100,"
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"'cause she always thinks I'm much too generous."
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"If she says anything to you, just tell her that we made a very equitable split."
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"Whatever you say, Mr. Roper, and thanks."
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"You know, I... I misjudged you. You're really a pretty nice guy."
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"As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to like you."
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"Just watch it, will you, Jack? [ Doorbell Rings ]"
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