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Clips from Married with Children - He Thought He Could (S03E03)

"Now...will you be paying in cash or food stamps?"
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"Can't we make a little deal here?"
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"Suppose I tape a doughnut to my driver's license"
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"and slip it to you..."
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"You give it back,"
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"and the doughnut just mysteriously...disappears?"
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"Could it be that you don't have the $2000?"
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"when I made and educated guess that you would fail in life?"
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"Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together"
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"Oh, look. It's after 12."
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"Well, it just so happens that I returned that book years ago."
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"You weren't here."
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"Not that day."
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"can get to the truth."
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"Wait, I'll just go to the shelves"
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"and get that book and prove it to you."
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"We'll both go."
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"So, Mr. Bundy, what do you do for a living,"
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"presuming you're not still in high school?"
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"I thought so."
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"Well, let's see. I..."
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"I know I put it here somewhere, uh..."
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"Is that a duck?"
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"The Little Engine That Could."
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"You planted that in there."
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"Prove it, De Groot."
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"[LAUGHS]"
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"A loser?"
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"I think not."
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"So I paid a little fine,"
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"Aw, see, Al?"
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"You were worried over nothing."
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"Yep, you're right."
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"Kids, let this be a lesson--"
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"Let's get this..."
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"FEMALE REPORTER: On the darker side of the news,"
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"surveillance cameras in the Oakwood Library"
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"caught the man"
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"with the most overdue book in Chicago history"
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"as he sneaked The Little Engine That Could"
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"back on the shelves to avoid paying the fine."
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"Watch carefully in slow motion"
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"as he distracts and almost kills the librarian,"
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"then slips the book back on the shelf."
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"So take a good look at this man."
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"He's been identified as Chicago's own Al Bundy,"
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"in this reporter's opinion, a true piece of human garbage."
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"[TELEPHONE RINGS]"
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"Dad, let me try something out on you."
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"How does this sound?"
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"Bud...Smith."
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"Didn't he look good?"
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"that has ever happened to this family."
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"I mean, we've been training"
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"for something like this all our lives, but..."
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"you're never really ready."
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"[DOORBELL RINGS]"
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"Gee, let me get that."
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"That's probably either somebody telling me"
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"I'm TIME magazine's, Man Of The Year,"
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"or it's Steve and Marcy."
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"Hi, Steve and Marcy. What's new?"
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"Weren't my property values low enough?"
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"I'm glad you got caught, Al."
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"Oh, I think we all are, Marce."
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"You serve as an example for all our young readers,"
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"showing them they must be book smart,"
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"that the hand of justice will triumph,"
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"to the very bowels of the Earth--"
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"It was Steve and Marcy, Peg."
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"Gee, Al, do you think this means"
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"Daddy, why couldn't you have gotten caught"
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"robbing a bank like Cindy's father?"
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"I mean, at least she can walk around"
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"with her head held high."
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"Yeah, Dad."
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"As the lone carrier of the Bundy seed,"
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"I foresee some lonely, seedless nights."
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"Family, first of all, it was entrapment,"
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"so legally I feel vindicated."
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"And second..."
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"so what?"
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"but this is gonna blow over."
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"what anyone else thinks about you."
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"I just want you to know"
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"that this hasn't changed my feelings at all."
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"Gee, that's nice of you, Peg."
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"Hey, you want to go upstairs and fool around?"
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"No."
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"It's Jim."
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"And Natalie."
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"It's Ruth."
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"Now, kids..."
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"go ahead and put your bags in the closet, next to mine."
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"And let's try to cheer your father up."
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"He's a little bit down,"
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"what with that piece on Paul Harvey."
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"I used to like him."
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"Oh, now, Al, don't worry."
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"Honey, we've weathered your paychecks,"
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"we'll weather this too."
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"[SIGHS]"
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"and I think I speak for the kids too,"
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"we will not wear our bags in the house."
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"Well, not in my room... I can't make any promises."
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"There, you feel better, Al?"
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"I'm going to pay the fine."
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"It'll break us,"
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"but at least we don't have to be ashamed of who we are."
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"34 overdue books returned by mail..."
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"Mr. Bundy..."
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"you've become the Freddy Krueger of the library system."
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"Miss De Groot,"
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"does the word "sooey" mean anything to you?"
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"Oh, children, quiet down, or you'll wind up like this man."
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"You know, Mr. Bundy..."
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"I've worked at this library for 44 years."
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"I was eligible for retirement three years ago."
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"You know why I stayed?"
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"You learned to eat books?"
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