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Clips from Married with Children - He Thought He Could (S03E03)

"Hey, that's my car battery."
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"[LAUGHS]"
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"That was before we became friends."
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"Hi, everybody."
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"Oh, the greatest thing happened at school today."
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"The bus driver had a nervous breakdown,"
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"so we had to drive the bus ourselves,"
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"so, um, if anybody calls"
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"and accuses me of locking the driver in the bathroom"
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"and taking the bus on a joy ride,"
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"now you know it's not true."
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"So, what is all this junk anyways?"
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"It's not junk, Kel. It's dad's life."
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"And it's all in this little box, isn't it, Dad?"
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"You bet it is, son."
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"Hey, now, look at this."
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""MVP, Pop Warner Football.""
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""All-star Little League Shortstop.""
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""All-City Football.""
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""Co-ed Softball... Participant Award.""
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""Rookie Of The Year Shoe Salesman, 1968.""
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"You notice how they're getting smaller?"
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"Everything about him is."
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"Oh, yeah, and I'm sure you didn't have anything"
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"to do with that, either, did you?"
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"Well, that's the end of my trophies."
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"Gee, Al, what a testament to a..."
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"No, really, you'll never relive this glory."
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"God, you must feel low."
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"I mean, I didn't have that much of an athletic past--"
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"the "Running Home To Mommy" trophy once or twice."
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"Well, if I did win one,"
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"I'm sure it's somewhere in your box."
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"The point, however, is my life is...getting better."
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"I've got the best trophy in the whole world"
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"The book that inspired my whole life."
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"Wanda The Preppy Hippo?"
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"The Little Engine That Could."
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"No, it's not, and I can prove it."
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"Yeah. "Property of the Oakwood Library.""
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"Uh, gee, Al, it's a little overdue."
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"1957 is past, isn't it?"
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"Can you believe that, Kel?"
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"I didn't even think it was a real year."
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"Wow, what memories this brings back."
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"You can't throw this away!"
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"Well, Steve, it's a book."
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"Al!"
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"This is literature."
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"Don't you understand?"
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"Libraries all over the country"
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"are suffering from a shortage of books."
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"And a book is fuel for a hungry mind."
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"Ah, books are for idiots."
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"I mean...you can learn everything you need"
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"from a movie or a date."
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"I've got bad memories of that library."
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"Aw, honey, is that because all the other kids were reading?"
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"No."
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"Miss De Groot."
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"God, she was fat and old and..."
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"fat."
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"I remember she had this cup of coffee on her desk,"
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"and she'd always be spooning mounds of sugar into it"
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"from a jar."
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"When she'd stir it,"
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"it would make these clanking sounds"
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"like chains on a ghost."
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"A fat ghost."
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"God, she hated me."
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"[CLANKING]"
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"Well..."
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"young Mr. Bundy."
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"Well, I'm afraid you can't."
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"Do you know why?"
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"Because I didn't bring you French fries"
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"like the other boys do?"
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"You're a bad seed, Bundy."
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"You can't have these books"
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"because you are consistently overdue,"
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"and looking at you now, I doubt you ever will."
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"I'll bring 'em back, I promise."
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"You always promise,"
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"but you don't follow through."
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"And that, in a nutshell, is your problem."
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"Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie."
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"You may take just one book."
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"Hey, be fair. Can you eat just one pig?"
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"You'll never amount to a hill of beans."
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"to be the failure you deserve."
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"And take that hand out of your pants."
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"It's a filthy little habit."
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"Now, I'm going to let you have The Little Engine That Could"
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"on the basis that you might learn something,"
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"though we both know you won't."
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"Do you think anyone can teach you anything?"
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"that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat."
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"You have three days to bring this back."
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"Oh, that means almost nothing."
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"But if you don't, remember,"
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"I'll be waiting for you."
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"Boy... She hates you, Al."
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"I swear, one day, I'm gonna take that bowl of sugar"
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"and pour the whole thing down her gas tank."
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"My life's gotta get better than this."
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"Come on, Al, that was 30 years ago."
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"The woman's dead."
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"No one can eat that much sugar and live."
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"Take it back."
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"Face your fears, Al."
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"Be a man and return The Little Engine That Could."
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"You're alive!"
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"And you owe us $2163."
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"Wait a second,"
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"you're charging me $2000 for an overdue library book?"
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"Perhaps if you didn't ignore the overdue notices we sent you"
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"for the first 10 years,"
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"you wouldn't be in this pickle."
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"For you see,"
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"even the road to ruin has its tollgate."
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