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Clips from Farzar - War and Peace (S01E01)

"[war drums playing]"
Farzar
"I fucking hate war!"
Farzar
"There's no Wi-Fi out here for my Peloton."
Farzar
"This war's gonna make me fat! Fat! Fat!"
Farzar
"Like that weird-looking new girl with the B-cups."
Farzar
"Uh, excuse you! The left one's a C."
Farzar
"Prince Fichael?"
Farzar
"I'm here because we wanna sit down and negotiate a peace treaty."
Farzar
"I am kind of over this war thing."
Farzar
"But, Uncle B, we only need, like, another half hour and we can win this war."
Farzar
"Why do we need to win when we can settle?"
Farzar
"Like you did, Clitaris, with that tub of shit you call a wife."
Farzar
"[sobs]"
Farzar
"Damn it!"
Farzar
"Anyway, Fichael, I will agree to meet with your father."
Farzar
"But just so you know,"
Farzar
"I happen to be a master negotiator."
Farzar
"I want all your natural resources."
Farzar
"Sounds fair."
Farzar
"I want to keep this pen."
Farzar
"No. I want your horns."
Farzar
"-Okay, but can I have a glass of water? -No."
Farzar
"I got him right where I want him."
Farzar
"Peace treaty signed."
Farzar
"I super fucked that up."
Farzar
"We have peace on Farzar!"
Farzar
"Dad, can we throw a big peace celebration for the aliens?"
Farzar
"I think that sounds like a great idea."
Farzar
"Fuck peace!"
Farzar
"I want war."
Farzar
"-Val, calm down. -[grunting]"
Farzar
"You're just trying to control me like everyone else in my life!"
Farzar
"She's still punching me."
Farzar
"What's with your girlfriend, Fichael?"
Farzar
"Put her in the dungeon. I'll straighten her out."
Farzar
"I apologize for that."
Farzar
"As a peace offering, how would you like your own Wendigo?"
Farzar
"Ooh, I'd love one."
Farzar
"[growls]"
Farzar
"What the hell is this?"
Farzar
"I thought you meant an RV, not a goddamn monster."
Farzar
"I almost feel bad for sending Corporal Lairman out there."
Farzar
"Why? I didn't get a scratch on me."
Farzar
"I'm so glad the war is over. I can't wait to get back to my wife."
Farzar
"She gets so horny when I'm gone."
Farzar
"Could you imagine how sex crazy she'd be if I died?"
Farzar
"Oh, I guess I did get a scratch on me."
Farzar
"Don't worry. Nurse Billy will patch that."
Farzar
"Whoopsy-daisies."
Farzar
"[knocking on door]"
Farzar
"I regret to inform you, Corporal Lairman died in action."
Farzar
"[sobbing]"
Farzar
"Sal, you idiot, she's not horny. She's just sad."
Farzar
"Well, yeah, I'm sad. You just told me my daddy died."
Farzar
"Your dad?"
Farzar
"[deep voice] Did I just hear my husband died?"
Farzar
"Oh, Lord!"
Farzar
"That makes me horny as hell!"
Farzar
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"
Farzar
"Can you do something about your crazy mama?"
Farzar
"Everyone grieves in their own way."
Farzar
"Oh! Goddamn, you strong, bitch!"
Farzar
"The death of my spouse has my gash gooey with grief grease, y'all."
Farzar
"See? What did I tell ya?"
Farzar
"That's a season wrap on Sal, everybody. Good night!"
Farzar
"[mysterious music playing]"
Farzar
"Since I can't indulge in chaos,"
Farzar
"I will just live out my life all alone up here."
Farzar
"No people, no chaos."
Farzar
"Hey, friend. Are you here to find inner peace as well?"
Farzar
"Actually, I am. [chuckles]"
Farzar
"What is your secret?"
Farzar
"A man named Barry Barris put bombs in our naughty bits."
Farzar
"I was a kleptomaniac, but not anymore, thanks to this bomb in my titty."
Farzar
"I was addicted to peanut brittle,"
Farzar
"but Barry made me realize there's something I like more than peanut brittle."
Farzar
"Not having an exploded asshole."
Farzar
"Praise him."
Farzar
"Whoa! And I thought having a bomb up my dick was a bad thing."
Farzar
"Maybe it can change my life for the better."
Farzar
"Just be glad you weren't his patient before they invented tiny bombs."
Farzar
"Wow."
Farzar
"Looks like he put a fat man in your little boy."
Farzar
"Dad? I got us matching T-shirts to wear to the peace celebration."
Farzar
"What the hell's this?"
Farzar
"What is this?"
Farzar
"The end of the aliens. I couldn't have done it without you, son."
Farzar
"I've been working on my ultimate weapon for years,"
Farzar
"but the missing ingredient was alien DNA."
Farzar
"Thanks to your alien immigration, I had all I needed."
Farzar
"Hey, Fichael! Your dad is cool, man. He lets us live in this escape room."
Farzar
"-The puzzles are real hard though. -But we ain't giving up."
Farzar
"I think the answer's got something to do with those two turds in the corner."
Farzar
"-Them are your turds, Flobby. -I know. The mystery runs deep."
Farzar
"And you even had the idea"
Farzar
"of gathering them all together in one spot for the peace celebration."
Farzar
"I'll wipe them all out before they know what hit 'em."
Farzar
"And here's the best part."
Farzar
"I built one for you."
Farzar
"I even gave it two C-cups"
Farzar
"because I know you're self-conscious about your mismatched milkies."
Farzar
"Join me. We can finally bring real peace to Farzar"
Farzar
"and rule the entire planet as father and son."
Farzar
"I really thought I could change you."
Farzar
"I guess Bazarack was right. You are evil."
Farzar
"Well, I'm wiping those aliens out with or without you."
Farzar
"No, you're not, because I'm gonna tell 'em what you're planning."
Farzar
"I thought you might say that."
Farzar
"Your girlfriend likes my plan."
Farzar
"And Renzo likes the new me."
Farzar
"Ow!"
Farzar
"Val, don't do this!"
Farzar
"I love you!"
Farzar
"You love me?"
Farzar
"Tell me one thing you know about me."
Farzar
"You're, uh… You're a preacher."
Farzar
"I'm a teacher."
Farzar
"Oh, I get 'em mixed up, 'cause I've been molested by both."
Farzar
"You are a terrible boyfriend and I can't believe I put up with your shit,"
Farzar
"just like I put up with everything!"
Farzar
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