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Clips from Farzar - War and Peace (S01E01)

"If you want something to do, why don't you knit me a scarf with my name on it?"
Farzar
"Sure. What color would you like?"
Farzar
"[chuckles uncomfortably]"
Farzar
"Why haven't we won yet?"
Farzar
"Wars usually take longer than 20 minutes, Uncle B."
Farzar
"Yeah, well, so do your fat wife's juicy blowjobs."
Farzar
"I'm not married."
Farzar
"God, I miss Clitaris!"
Farzar
"[sobs]"
Farzar
"And I'm afraid I'm gonna lose this war."
Farzar
"♪ Day-o! ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Daylight come and me want to go home ♪"
Farzar
"Yes, reinforcements!"
Farzar
"[chuckles] You guys are fucked now!"
Farzar
"-♪ Day ♪ -[dance music playing]"
Farzar
"♪ Me say day-o ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Daylight come and me want to go home ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Day ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Me say day-o ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Daylight come and me want to go home ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Come Mister Tally Man Tally me bananas ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Daylight come and me want to go home ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Come Mister Tally Man Tally me bananas ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Daylight come and me want to go home ♪"
Farzar
"Where the hell are they going?"
Farzar
"You think they're pulling around? Nope, they're leaving."
Farzar
"Don't worry, Uncle B. I made a call."
Farzar
"[grunting]"
Farzar
"Shoot me, I'm racist."
Farzar
"[groans]"
Farzar
"I can't move my arm!"
Farzar
"Or leg!"
Farzar
"Val, this is all your fault."
Farzar
"I'm sorry, Mal."
Farzar
"Hey, wait. I can move both sides of our body!"
Farzar
"Grab my gun. You've got to fight our way out of here or we're both dead."
Farzar
"But I've never killed anyone."
Farzar
"[yelling]"
Farzar
"Ah! Oh my God!"
Farzar
"Your first kill can be hard on ya."
Farzar
"[laughs]"
Farzar
"Oh God, I fucking love killing! I feel no remorse!"
Farzar
"Thanks for the cool hand, Billy."
Farzar
"[laughs maniacally]"
Farzar
"Val? What the heck's going on with you?"
Farzar
"-She's completely gone off the deep end! -Shut up, freak show!"
Farzar
"[grunts]"
Farzar
"I've been pushing down my feelings my whole life. I finally feel free!"
Farzar
"I don't want you going back on the battlefield. You're not yourself."
Farzar
"Nobody tells me what to do anymore, bitch!"
Farzar
"Val, that's not fair."
Farzar
"That's our word for you."
Farzar
"Don't stifle her. If she wants to fight, let her fight."
Farzar
"I will murder every cock-sucking one of you!"
Farzar
"Must be that time of the month, huh?"
Farzar
"Your mom gets like that when she's on her period too."
Farzar
"Mom still gets her period? At her age?"
Farzar
"Sort of. You ever pull too hard when you open a cherry Kool-Aid packet?"
Farzar
"It's kind of like that."
Farzar
"Yeah, I don't really need to hear about--"
Farzar
"You ever seen a plane try to put out a forest fire?"
Farzar
"-Oh, Dad! -I'm serious."
Farzar
"It's like her hoo-ha took the cinnamon challenge."
Farzar
"I got it!"
Farzar
"I have a plan to cure your chaos addiction."
Farzar
"Oh! What's that?"
Farzar
"Taking you to the most orderly place on the planet."
Farzar
"-The Container Store. -[triumphant notes play]"
Farzar
"Stacks and stacks of containers in perfect order,"
Farzar
"every lid fitting perfectly."
Farzar
"With many months of training, you will learn to love order like this."
Farzar
"But what if I do this?"
Farzar
"Well, now, that's my breaking point."
Farzar
"I just put a bomb in your dick. It will explode if you indulge in chaos."
Farzar
"You're cured. And you're welcome."
Farzar
"Ah! Brain freeze!"
Farzar
"Man, I thought this'd be the best job in the military, but it sucks too."
Farzar
"The best job in the military has to be the guy who goes around"
Farzar
"and tells all them widows their husbands were killed in action."
Farzar
"How's that a good job? That seems terrible."
Farzar
"Because the death of a spouse makes women super horny."
Farzar
"I've known that since my grandpa's funeral."
Farzar
"Grandma was insatiable."
Farzar
"Grandpa ended up in a dirt hole, and so did half the retirement home."
Farzar
"Grandmas!"
Farzar
"Uh, yeah, I really don't need to hear about--"
Farzar
"I'm serious."
Farzar
"That day, she buried her husband, and two dozen cocks in her snatch."
Farzar
"I got it!"
Farzar
"Fichael, first of all, I'm switching jobs."
Farzar
"I wanna be the dude who tells widows their husbands died."
Farzar
"Second, see that soldier over there?"
Farzar
"He said he wants to be on the front line. Human shield division."
Farzar
"Wow, we need more men like him."
Farzar
"I'll tell you who needed more men. My grieving grandmother."
Farzar
"I'm telling you, she gave a whole new meaning to the term "receiving line.""
Farzar
"RIP. That's the sound her vagina made."
Farzar
"Really? No lawyer on that one?"
Farzar
"[ominous music plays]"
Farzar
"Give it up, Renzo."
Farzar
"You're no match for my best friends, the skull people!"
Farzar
"I still got a trick up my sleeve."
Farzar
"Release the corgis!"
Farzar
"[barking]"
Farzar
"[growling]"
Farzar
"So do I!"
Farzar
"Release the Roombas!"
Farzar
"[whirring]"
Farzar
"[dogs whimpering]"
Farzar
"So this whole war just a fuck around?"
Farzar
"We put up a good fight, but we're losing this war."
Farzar
"I'm gonna nuke this planet, and we'll find a new place to live."
Farzar
"There's room in the escape ship for me and you, Fichael."
Farzar
"Wait, I forgot about Easel-bot."
Farzar
"I was kidding about nuking the planet, son."
Farzar
"Come on, Easel-bot. Let's get the fuck out of here."
Farzar
"Dad, wait! Just give me a chance to talk to Bazarack."
Farzar
"You got five minutes, then we're leaving."
Farzar
"Me, Easel-bot, Slag, the corgis, giant Squiggles,"
Farzar
"Scootie's fat drug dealer, and this cardboard cutout of Pickle Rick."
Farzar
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