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Clips from Scrubs - My Five Stages (S05E05)

"[Ted coughing]"
Scrubs
"Oh, good, the piles are getting smaller."
Scrubs
"That reminds me. Did you get that sand out of his office?"
Scrubs
"Yes, I did, and it cut my commute in half."
Scrubs
"[Classical music plays]"
Scrubs
"Good morning, loyal subjects."
Scrubs
"That could be a problem."
Scrubs
"Well, that depends. Is Baxter's dog run gonna hose itself down?"
Scrubs
"- No. - Actually, it is."
Scrubs
"I rigged the hose to a timer. But I need you to clean out my gutters."
Scrubs
"But, sir, I'm doing a bike ride for charity!"
Scrubs
"Ted, the only thing I hate more than bikes are procedural cop shows."
Scrubs
"We get it, the pedophile did it. Be at my house at 2:30."
Scrubs
"Leverage?"
Scrubs
"[J.D.] I was tempted to take him up, but then Dr. Cox said something."
Scrubs
"Listen up. We don't need any of your head shrinking."
Scrubs
"We can handle death just fine."
Scrubs
"We might even be going into private practice together."
Scrubs
"Now is not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox Clinic,"
Scrubs
"much less the relocation to Jacksonville."
Scrubs
"You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons."
Scrubs
"Please think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like GI Joe's nether regions."
Scrubs
"By the by, this image is brought to you by my son, Jack,"
Scrubs
"who has been yanking pants off toy soldiers and leaving them"
Scrubs
"in provocative positions on my nightstand."
Scrubs
"It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house,"
Scrubs
"I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools,"
Scrubs
"which brings me back to you: The fool."
Scrubs
"I'm done suffering you, so go now."
Scrubs
"Go. Go, before you can write a book"
Scrubs
"entitled Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass: The Lester Hedrick Story."
Scrubs
"He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me."
Scrubs
"Basically, when you're in the mood,"
Scrubs
"you call Keith and he comes over and gives you 20-something nasty?"
Scrubs
"- [Beeps] - [Clears throat]"
Scrubs
"Got the machine."
Scrubs
"Put clean sheets on the futon and turn the pictures of your parents face down,"
Scrubs
"Would you get my scarf out of the car?"
Scrubs
"Turk, less point-making, more scarf-getting."
Scrubs
"Can you believe the huevos on that Hedrick?"
Scrubs
"I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity."
Scrubs
"I had to be careful about every little..."
Scrubs
"It has been rolling on the floor. It will explode."
Scrubs
"Works every time."
Scrubs
"The quickest way to my house is to take Elm."
Scrubs
"Oh, I'm sorry, am I looking at your dad too much?"
Scrubs
"His eyes penetrate my soul."
Scrubs
"[Laughs] No."
Scrubs
"I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now."
Scrubs
"That is so sweet."
Scrubs
"Tell you something I learned today."
Scrubs
"Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?"
Scrubs
"Son, Daddy's got to move on."
Scrubs
"And I just want you to know"
Scrubs
"that since the car is in your mother's name,"
Scrubs
"I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it weren't for your bike."
Scrubs
"Get off the road!"
Scrubs
"[Engine revving]"
Scrubs
"Oh..."
Scrubs
"She's been getting weaker."
Scrubs
"Whether it's to your perception of a relationship..."
Scrubs
"That was fun. I'm glad you got my message."
Scrubs
"I didn't get any message."
Scrubs
"- Oh. - Elliot, if he didn't get your message,"
Scrubs
"that means he called you for sex and you went over and gave it to him."
Scrubs
"[J.D.]... or trying to hold on to the handlebars of your custom bicycle."
Scrubs
"Why'd you leave me, Daddy?!"
Scrubs
"Now we got leverage."
Scrubs
"[J.D.] Unfortunately, as a doctor,"
Scrubs
"so either Dr. Cox or I had to notify her next of kin."
Scrubs
"[J.D.] I was not."
Scrubs
"But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was."
Scrubs
"Ow."
Scrubs
"Why are we doing this? I've seen people in Mrs. Wilk's shape turn around."
Scrubs
"to also go through the five stages of grief."
Scrubs
"- It's not denial. She could rally. - Totally rally."
Scrubs
"How would you like to be in a broken jaw commercial?"
Scrubs
"I just love this fake sugar."
Scrubs
"If he keeps ignoring my threats, I'm gonna have to hit him."
Scrubs
"The good news is, it looks like he has a soft face."
Scrubs
"- [Man] Are you done with my arms? - Coming to ya, Mr. Johnson."
Scrubs
"So I was Keith's booty call, whatever. It'll blow over."
Scrubs
"That's not good enough, Elliot."
Scrubs
"By letting Keith get the upper hand, you've given Turk ideas. Look at him."
Scrubs
"but I got to be my own man."
Scrubs
"I don't know if that's good."
Scrubs
"You should sue Kelso. You have a serious tort on your hands."
Scrubs
"Tort?"
Scrubs
"Civil case. From the French avoir tort."
Scrubs
"Did you go to law school?"
Scrubs
"No. I was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's janitor for a while."
Scrubs
"- Ruth Bader who? - Hey! There's my guy."
Scrubs
"Listen, I just came up to apologize for that little fender-bender out there."
Scrubs
"So would two floor seats"
Scrubs
"to the WNBA All-Star Game just make all this ago away?"
Scrubs
"Absolutely!"
Scrubs
"Uh, Ted is gonna be wanting more than that, I'm afraid."
Scrubs
"I am?"
Scrubs
"[J.D.] Dr. Cox and I decided to give Hedrick a piece of our mind."
Scrubs
"Unfortunately, I had lost front-seat privileges."
Scrubs
"What's this, some pansy "get in touch with my feelings"
Scrubs
"because my mommy didn't love me" group?"
Scrubs
"Yeah, is that what it is?!"
Scrubs
"Actually, this is a support group for the terminally ill."
Scrubs
"No, no. Please, continue."
Scrubs
"Stop bugging us."
Scrubs
"I find your particular brand of psychobablry about as useful"
Scrubs
"and about as effective as fairy dust."
Scrubs
"Oh."
Scrubs
"- Dr. Cox? - Yeah, Newbie, what do you got?"
Scrubs
"That guy looks fantastic."
Scrubs
"What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes?"
Scrubs
"You know what? To hell with you, Hedrick!"
Scrubs
"Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cox here is going through?"
Scrubs
"You don't want to see me angry!"
Scrubs
"I don't really care."
Scrubs
"This is about men everywhere who have been abused and bullied by women."
Scrubs
"Now when they walk by, you call her a different name."
Scrubs
"- For realsies? - Yep."
Scrubs
"Hey, how you doing, Claire?"
Scrubs
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