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Clips from Veep - Nicknames (S01E01)

"The Selina who killed America."
Veep
"-No more Selinas? -Okay."
Veep
"Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you."
Veep
"My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it."
Veep
"-If I don't understand it... -All right, good job, dummy."
Veep
"-Where's Selina? -She's on her way back from lunch."
Veep
"SELINA: You know that trip to Paris? GARY: Uh-huh."
Veep
"-SELINA: It's on. Yeah. -No!"
Veep
"-SUE: Oh, Amy, I have a quick Q for you to A. -Quickly, then."
Veep
"does the National Resource Committee meeting"
Veep
"Yes."
Veep
"GARY: You know what would be perfect in Paris is that pink jacket you have."
Veep
"What is? It could be a lot of things."
Veep
"-So eager that... -Oh, shit, no."
Veep
"He wants all focus to be on that bill."
Veep
"-He's dropped five other pieces of legislation. -No."
Veep
"Clean Jobs is one of them."
Veep
"Oh, God."
Veep
"-My Clean Jobs? -Yeah."
Veep
"That President, he is a suffocating son of a bitch."
Veep
"Apparently there were rumblings in the blogs, but..."
Veep
"But why weren't we on it?"
Veep
"-Which one? -Mrs. Doutheyer."
Veep
"Well, you never mentioned that one."
Veep
"It's a shitty nickname."
Veep
"Oh, my God. I'd have more power in my hands"
Veep
"if I joined one of those moronic Segway tours of DC."
Veep
"I mean, do you have any idea what I have lost here today?"
Veep
"Do you? Really?"
Veep
"Are you not gonna say anything?"
Veep
"Jesus!"
Veep
"Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this?"
Veep
"I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence."
Veep
"That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo."
Veep
"Let me be more clear."
Veep
"It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking mess!"
Veep
"-I don't fucking know. I just need something. -Okay."
Veep
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do."
Veep
"I'm gonna call that stupid POTUS myself."
Veep
"I'm gonna tell him to shove it up his ass. I don't see any reason..."
Veep
"Ma'am, why don't we just wait this out, okay?"
Veep
"(MOCKINGLY) "Why don't we just wait this out?""
Veep
"Is that what you're gonna suggest?"
Veep
"Remind me never to get trapped inside a burning building with you, Mike."
Veep
"What if we went to a friendly senator"
Veep
"and suggested that he or she take the best parts of Clean Jobs,"
Veep
"the sanctions on polluters, tax breaks for the good guys,"
Veep
"and then added that as an amendment to the fiscal responsibility bill?"
Veep
"-That's provocative, ma'am. -Yeah."
Veep
"I'm feeling very fucking provocative."
Veep
"We can't do this. Can we? We can't."
Veep
"We can do anything we want if we really want to."
Veep
"-Give me a minute. -I can't be seen"
Veep
"sneaking through legislation behind the President's back."
Veep
"I mean, that would be insane. It would be disloyal."
Veep
"Ma'am, Senator Macauley loves this bill and he may decide to do it anyway."
Veep
"Well, if Senator Macauley wants to do it himself,"
Veep
"then that's great, you know?"
Veep
"It's just that I can't be seen doing it."
Veep
"Okay? Okay?"
Veep
"-Would you get me some whipped cream? -Yeah, give me a minute."
Veep
"but my loyalty is with POTUS."
Veep
"Bullshit. You didn't know he was gonna roll over on Clean Jobs."
Veep
"-You had no fucking idea. -Dan, I had a fucking idea."
Veep
"You know what, Jonah? I don't think that we should see each other anymore."
Veep
"-Come on. -Sorry."
Veep
"So you're saying that"
Veep
"just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was,"
Veep
"that means that we can't hang out anymore?"
Veep
"What I'm saying, you fucking ape,"
Veep
"is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon."
Veep
"but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited."
Veep
"Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload"
Veep
"is not a nice restaurant."
Veep
"Where is the bread at this place, asshole?"
Veep
"-And you, you upstate New York dickshit... -Watch it."
Veep
"Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York."
Veep
"And you with your perpetual 5 o'clock shadow,"
Veep
"Really? I think you do. I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah."
Veep
"You're a fucking dick."
Veep
"Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole."
Veep
"and fructose you to death."
Veep
"SELINA: Hey, we should send POTUS a postcard from Paris."
Veep
"What's the French for "shove it up your ass"? (CHUCKLES)"
Veep
"God, Parisian women really intimidate me."
Veep
"Why?"
Veep
"-Oh, so are you. -Thank you."
Veep
"That took too long, didn't it?"
Veep
"No, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? We got all those tours lined up."
Veep
"-It's gavel time. -What bill is it?"
Veep
"-That was a play on "it's hammer time." -I know. What bill is it?"
Veep
"No. No. It's the Macauley amendment?"
Veep
"Yeah. It's the meat of Clean Jobs."
Veep
"Which way are you gonna vote?"
Veep
"Which way do you think that should be?"
Veep
"Look, you already know my feelings on this."
Veep
"The President does not want"
Veep
"the Clean Jobs amendment passed in any form."
Veep
"Dan, talk, please."
Veep
"If it comes down to a tie, vote for."
Veep
"-No. -Yes."
Veep
"So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy"
Veep
"that you and I have been working on for months,"
Veep
"All right, let me get this straight."
Veep
"don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it."
Veep
"And you, Amy, who love this policy, you want me to vote against it. Yeah?"
Veep
"-Vote against. -Vote for."
Veep
"All right, well..."
Veep
"See you later, folks."
Veep
"Wish me luck."
Veep
"You got Macauley to add this amendment, didn't you?"
Veep
"-I know you did. -Macauley is his own man."
Veep
"If you did this, you went against Selina's explicit orders"
Veep
"Get the fuck off it."
Veep
"AMY: What I said. DAN: What I said."
Veep
"(GAVEL BANGS ON TV)"
Veep
"The Senate being equally divided,"
Veep
"On a happy note, we reassigned the smiling Secret Service guy."
Veep
"It's one less grinning idiot with a gun you have to worry about."
Veep
"(KNOCKING AT DOOR)"
Veep
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