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Clips from The Good Place - Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis (S01E01)

"The bidding shall commence at £3,000,000."
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"Five million!"
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"- Sorry for the imposition. - Oh... Bah!"
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"Oh, well, if you want to know the truth,"
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"we asked Michael if we could stay with you."
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"We are obsessed with your relationship."
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"Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day."
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"I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job."
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"But I have a lot to learn from you guys."
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"Your job? What was your job?"
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"You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships."
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"And I did!"
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"It's called, How to Spot Problems in a Marriage From a 100 Miles Away."
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"Oh, cool."
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"- Really cool. - Cool."
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"- Really, really cool. - Cool, cool."
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"And what about you, Bart?"
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"Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting."
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"I started a company that investigated identity theft."
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"Analyzing body language, tracking and catching people"
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"It's snooze, am I right?"
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"They're gonna catch us! This is an extremely precarious situation!"
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"I am vexed, Eleanor!"
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"A marriage counselor and a human lie detector"
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"isn't my first choice for company, either."
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"But they have no reason to suspect us!"
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"Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know, swing."
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"It'll get 'em to stop asking questions."
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"No, I... I am not going to have sex with someone"
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"to get them to stop talking to me!"
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"Really? You and I are very different."
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"- Yeah, I noticed! - You know what, man?"
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"I have spent every second in this place"
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"worried I was gonna get caught, but if we go down right now,"
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"that's on you, okay?"
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"Oh, you spend all your time teaching a charming, awesome lady?"
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"How sad for you. Face it, dude."
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"I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, Chidi?"
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"- Ya basic! - Eleanor..."
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"Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing"
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"where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like,"
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""Whoa! This is hot," and we start making out."
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"Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it."
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"No, Eleanor, look."
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"We couldn't hear you, but I'm an expert"
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"You are in conflict."
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"We're not judging you. This has been a tough couple of weeks."
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"I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole has caused lots of soul mate squabbles."
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"Yes, that's what it is. A squabble."
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"- We're squabbling. - Squabble, squabble!"
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"I can help."
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"I'm gonna take your relationship and put it under a microscope"
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"and dig and poke and prod"
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"until you are back to soul mate harmony."
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"She never does the dishes. I have to do them all the time."
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"- We just have different interests. - Mmm-hmm."
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"I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case about the dishes."
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"I'm getting a lot of repressed anger."
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"I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure."
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"- You are hiding something. - What on Earth would I be--"
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"No, no, no, not you."
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"Him."
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"Please go back inside. It isn't safe to be out of your home."
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"Please go back inside."
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"Janet, could you see what's wrong?"
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"- Everything. - Oh..."
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"My goodness! It's even worse than I thought."
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"So I've brought some cheer and sustenance to raise your spirits."
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"Look, I made donut holes."
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"Do you get it? "Donut holes"?"
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"No, too soon. By exactly nine days."
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"Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous."
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"If a human gets too close to it, there could be disastrous side effects."
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"- What's... What's happening to me? - Oh, that's one of the side effects."
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"Janet, knock her out while we still have time."
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"Knock me out? What does that--"
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"Boop!"
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"Guys, really, it's no big deal."
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""It's not a big deal" is nearly always code"
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"for "something is wrong.""
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"Boom! That's what I said. I should've been a marriage counselor."
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"Okay, Chidi, out with it."
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"What is so unsatisfying about your soul mate relationship?"
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"Be honest, Chidi."
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"Be, like, the exact right amount of honest"
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"so that we can both be happy."
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"I never had a soul mate on Earth."
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"I never even really had a girlfriend that I loved."
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"finally meet my actual soul mate, I was so excited."
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"And it isn't..."
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"You've never had an intense relationship before."
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"This is all uncharted territory."
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"No wonder you're so tense."
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"You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage."
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"- Uh, not erotic massage. - Mmm."
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"Although, it can be, and it often leads there, anyway..."
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"Okay, well, you know what?"
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"You guys have given us so much to think about."
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"And I think we should go to bed. Just the two of us, alone. Just us."
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"I know it's not the right time, but I told you."
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"Tahani, wake up, dear."
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"Michael."
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"Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?"
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"No, you did something catastrophically stupid"
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"and we had to knock you unconscious."
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"Why in the world did you go outside?"
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"Because I saw the rankings in the manual."
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"That manual is only meant to be seen by Architects and Janets."
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"and I'd rather not let people see those until they're finished."
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"But, anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so?"
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"I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing."
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"Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament."
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""To Kamilah, we have left £68,000,000,"
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"the home in Kensington, the yacht, and other assorted weekend boats.""
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"Well, what did they leave their second favorite child?"
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"There's still quite a lot of, uh, money and property that goes to you."
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"It says, "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini.""
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"Like the sauce."
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"You know what? I don't want the money."
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"My sister can have it all."
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