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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Luminous Fish Effect (S01E01)

"Thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place."
The Big Bang Theory
"I know, I'm familiar with you."
The Big Bang Theory
"Here comes our new boss. Be polite."
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"In my defense, I prefaced that by saying "with all due respect.""
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"I don't want my job back."
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"Okay. I'll let you get back to fixing your eggs."
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"- I'm sorry? - I need eggs."
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"You know, I always say, "When one door closes, another one opens.""
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"No, no, let me do the math for you."
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"- One-twenty? - Oh, I'm sorry, did I insult you?"
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"No, I mean what you find enjoyable."
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"...but the human body can only absorb so much."
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"I don't know, Sheldon."
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"It doesn't spoil..."
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"- When did your mother go into menopause? - Okay."
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"I'm not talking about this with you."
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"I know, but why?"
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"Yeah, that was three weeks ago."
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"...but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the Kmart."
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"You know, we have an lndian gentleman at our church."
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"And we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker."
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"Damn it, Sheldon, snap out of it."
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"Wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked."
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"Um...."
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"Now, that's impossible. You must've had him when you were a teenager."
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"I got my job back."
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"Thanks, Mom."
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"- Mom? - Mm-hm."
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"You know, I've been thinking about time travel again."
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"Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?"
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"Put it on the back burner."
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"Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine..."
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"...I'd go into the past and give it to myself."
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"- lnteresting. - Yeah, it really takes the pressure off."
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"Sounds like a breakthrough."
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"Should I call Science and tell them to hold the cover?"
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"It's time travel, Leonard. I will have done that."
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"I guess congratulations are in order."
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"No, congratulations will have been in order."
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"You know, I'm not going to enjoy this party."
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"The last party, Professor Finkleday cornered me..."
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"...and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes."
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"Yes, I was there."
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"You know what's interesting about caves?"
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"- What? - Nothing."
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"We'll avoid Finkleday, meet the new head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go."
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"How's this? "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser."
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"How fortunate for you the university has chosen to hire you..."
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"...despite the fact you've done no original research in 25 years..."
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"...and instead have written books..."
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"...that reduce the great concepts of science to anecdotes..."
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"...each one dumbed down..."
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"...to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement.""
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"- "Mahalo" is a nice touch. - Hmm."
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"Only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language."
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"lnteresting, you should lead with that."
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"Oh, God, look at this buffet."
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"I love America."
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"- You don't have buffets in lndia? - Of course, but it's all lndian food."
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"You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life."
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"Smear me."
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"- Well, here's an interesting turn of events. - What?"
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"Howard brought a date?"
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"A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward."
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"Hey, what up, science bitches?"
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"May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer."
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"Howard, I told you, touching's extra."
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"Right. Sorry."
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"Hi, fellas."
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"- Eric Gablehauser. - Howard Wolowitz."
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"Howard, nice to meet you. And you are?"
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"An actual real scientist."
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"How was that?"
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"I can't believe he fired me."
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"You did call him a glorified science teacher..."
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"...whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."
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"Morning."
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"Morning."
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"You're making eggs for breakfast?"
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"This isn't breakfast, it's an experiment."
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"Oh. Because it looks a lot like breakfast."
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"I finally have time to test my hypothesis about the separation of water molecules..."
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"I look forward to your work with bacon."
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"As do l."
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"You know, I'm sure if you just apologize to Gablehauser he'd give your job back."
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"I've spent three and a half years staring at grease boards full of equations."
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"Before that, I spent four years working on my thesis."
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"Before that, I was in college, and before that I was in the fifth grade."
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"This is my first day off in decades and I'm going to savor it."
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"I'm not just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs."
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"Use new eggs."
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"Hi, I'm running out to the market. Do you guys need anything?"
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"Oh. This would be one of those circumstances..."
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"...people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence."
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"- Four dozen should suffice. - Four dozen?"
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"Evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free-range, large, extra-large and jumbo."
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"- Okay, one more time? - Never mind, you won't get it right."
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"I'd better come with you."
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"Oh, yay."
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"How come you didn't go in to work today?"
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"So you got canned, huh?"
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"Theoretical physicists do not get canned."
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"But, yeah."
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"Maybe it's for the best."
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"No, it doesn't."
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"Not unless the doors are connected by relays."
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"- Or there are motion sensors involved. - No, I meant--"
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"Or if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second."
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"Never mind."
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"Slow down. Slow down. Please, slow down."
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"We're fine."
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"You're not leaving enough space between cars."
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"Oh, sure I am."
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"This car weighs, let's say, 4000 pounds."
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"Now, add 140 for me, 120 for you--"
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"Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?"
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"Well, yeah."
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"Interesting."
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"Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4400 pounds."
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"Let's say 4390."
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