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Clips from M*A*S*H - The Longjohn Flap (S01E01)

"Well, now, how would that look to our minister?"
M*A*S*H
"He lives right up the street from us."
M*A*S*H
"—Frank? —Hmm?"
M*A*S*H
"|think——| thinkwe should reevaluate our friendship."
M*A*S*H
"Margaret, don‘t say that."
M*A*S*H
"Wheneveryou say that, I get nervous chilblains and my fingers crack open."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, get up and don‘t be disgusting."
M*A*S*H
"Yes, yes."
M*A*S*H
"May| give you a pair of..."
M*A*S*H
"heavy winter civilian underwear?"
M*A*S*H
"You mean, ifyou ever get a pair?"
M*A*S*H
"You‘ve let me sit here and freeze to death——"
M*A*S*H
"with socks on my hands——"
M*A*S*H
"while you‘ve been parading around in those?"
M*A*S*H
"Afteryou give me that underwear!"
M*A*S*H
"[ Wind Howling]"
M*A*S*H
"Hold it, fella."
M*A*S*H
"And you can‘t hold me up. I‘m a major!"
M*A*S*H
"Sure, I can. I‘m crazy. Ask anybody."
M*A*S*H
"Take off my clothes? Now look, Klinger."
M*A*S*H
"I know you‘re trying to get sent home as a nut, but wearing dresses is bad enough!"
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t get repulsive!"
M*A*S*H
"And you‘re going to be sent to the stockade for this!"
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t, Major. I gotta have longjohns."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m getting a terrible draft up my skirt."
M*A*S*H
"you wouldn‘t have to work so hard to prove you‘re crazy."
M*A*S*H
"Walkin‘ around all night in this little, thin cocktail dress?"
M*A*S*H
"I have to wear this cheap cloth thing to keep from freezing."
M*A*S*H
"-Oh. - Hold it!"
M*A*S*H
"Outta my way, Klinger, oryou‘re under arrest!"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m gettin‘ tired ofthat."
M*A*S*H
"Damn it! I‘m freezing myselfl"
M*A*S*H
"The next time we meet,"
M*A*S*H
"I wanna see a shine on those high heels!"
M*A*S*H
"Somebody, quick! Somebody!"
M*A*S*H
"What’s the matter? Are you a// right?"
M*A*S*H
"Yes, yes! Quick, get inside!"
M*A*S*H
"Get in here, quick! Close the door!"
M*A*S*H
"May| kiss your oak leaf, Major?"
M*A*S*H
"Where were you just now?"
M*A*S*H
"|n surgery, perfecting my old sawing—the—man—in—half routine."
M*A*S*H
"Where do you think I was at this time ofnight?"
M*A*S*H
"Somebody ran off with my underwear."
M*A*S*H
"Well, I hope that teaches you something about blind dates, Margaret."
M*A*S*H
"They were stolen from my clothesline."
M*A*S*H
"They were very valuable, double—weave, woolen longjohns!"
M*A*S*H
"You wouldn‘t even have seen them ifTrapper hadn‘t been coughing up his lungs!"
M*A*S*H
"and didn‘t get an adolescent crush on a leg oflamb."
M*A*S*H
"Once you got them, you couldn‘t even keep your hands on them!"
M*A*S*H
"You‘re very welcome."
M*A*S*H
"[ Klinger] Psst! Father!"
M*A*S*H
"— Over here. — Yes?"
M*A*S*H
"— I‘d like to askyour advice on a spiritual matter. — Why, certainly."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou need something——| mean, ifyou‘re really cold or something——"
M*A*S*H
"it wouldn‘t be a mortal sin to steal something..."
M*A*S*H
"from somebody who was kind ofa rotten person anyway, would it?"
M*A*S*H
"These."
M*A*S*H
"the certain person I took them from would like to have me killed."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘ve really been trying to avoid that lately. — Oh, I see."
M*A*S*H
"I keep hearing the artillery going off every night when I go to sleep."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m reallyin trouble. |wasjust making that up."
M*A*S*H
"Father, you have to help me. I gotta get outta here!"
M*A*S*H
"Put your soul in order, my son! Excuse me. | thinkyou‘re bending my glasses!"
M*A*S*H
"— Couldn‘t | just give ‘em to a needy person? — No."
M*A*S*H
"I know it‘s hard, but try to do what‘s right. Try."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll try, Father. May I have your blessing?"
M*A*S*H
"Certainly. But you‘re holding down the hand I do that with."
M*A*S*H
"Now,"
M*A*S*H
"Hello?"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, dear."
M*A*S*H
"They certainly look toasty, Father."
M*A*S*H
"Actually, I took the liberty ofwearing them last night."
M*A*S*H
"It was getting late, and I didn‘t wanna botheryou."
M*A*S*H
"Had my first real night‘s sleep in ten days."
M*A*S*H
"Well, better keep them locked up until you can find the owner."
M*A*S*H
"— A lot of people would like to get their hands ofthem. — Don‘t you worry, Father."
M*A*S*H
"Nice talkin‘ toyou. Uh, Radar?"
M*A*S*H
"Uh, Radar, have you lost anything?"
M*A*S*H
"— Have you found anything, sir? — I‘ll askthe questions."
M*A*S*H
"Then I want you to note that I asked you that question at noon on this day."
M*A*S*H
"— No, that is all. —Would you mind signing this?"
M*A*S*H
"No. We‘ll do that later. Thankyou for——"
M*A*S*H
"|s Henryin?"
M*A*S*H
"but most ofhim is still hangin‘ out."
M*A*S*H
"Move!"
M*A*S*H
"Are we interrupting anything?"
M*A*S*H
"I guess this looks pretty funny to you guys."
M*A*S*H
"Why? Are we laughing?"
M*A*S*H
"We came to report the disappearance ofa pair oflongjohns..."
M*A*S*H
"which we own and which you are wearing."
M*A*S*H
"I got a better idea. Why don‘t you identify ‘em?"
M*A*S*H
"— Okay. — Uh, without looking."
M*A*S*H
"Oh. Well, uh, they‘re long."
M*A*S*H
"And they‘rejohns. That‘s them, all right. I guess they‘re his."
M*A*S*H
"— Okay, Henry, let‘s have ‘em. — Come on."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou think I‘m handing these over to you guys without checking this out——"
M*A*S*H
"— It might take a couple ofmonths. — We want them!"
M*A*S*H
"You‘re talking to two very cold, very crazed people!"
M*A*S*H
"You both can‘t wear ‘em at the same time."
M*A*S*H
"We‘re gonna have a contest. Whoever throws you the farthest gets to keep them."
M*A*S*H
"—Ooh! —I didn‘t even touch him."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Groans] — What‘s the matter? Are you sick?"
M*A*S*H
"— No, don‘t be an idiot. — It‘s a new dance?"
M*A*S*H
"|t‘sjust a little indigestion. Now, forget it."
M*A*S*H
"Get lost."
M*A*S*H
"You don‘t have to feel my abdomen. I‘m fine."
M*A*S*H
"—This hurt? — [ Groans]"
M*A*S*H
"Henry, I think what you‘re having trouble digesting is your appendix."
M*A*S*H
"Look, this isjustyour basic gastric distress."
M*A*S*H
"Offand on for a couple ofweeks."
M*A*S*H
"I thought there was something bothering you. What other symptoms are you having?"
M*A*S*H
"I don‘t have any symptoms. Look, it‘ll all clear up the next time I throw up."
M*A*S*H
"Come on now, don‘t get any ideas."
M*A*S*H
"You guys aren‘t gonna cut me open. I mean, nobody‘s gonna cut me open."
M*A*S*H
"We better do something quick. This examination is killing me."
M*A*S*H
"Can you make it into a table, or do you want us to carryyou?"
M*A*S*H
"— I‘ll walk. — Let‘s go."
M*A*S*H
"By the way, I loved you in Duck Soup."
M*A*S*H
"Did you lose something, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"—just ‘cause he stole your underwear? — Will you go?"
M*A*S*H
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