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Clips from M*A*S*H - The Longjohn Flap (S01E01)

"— Hawkeye? — Yeah?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll giveyou $20 for that pair oflongjohns."
M*A*S*H
"|wouldn‘t take 12 ofyour toes for these!"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m warm! Warm, do you hear? Warm!"
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll giveyou $50 and a picture ofmy children."
M*A*S*H
"Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bedclothes."
M*A*S*H
"Sixty dollars. You can have the children!"
M*A*S*H
"Well, next time try to stay out ofthe draft."
M*A*S*H
"That‘s great!"
M*A*S*H
"— [ Wind Howling] — Oh, boy! Listen to that wind."
M*A*S*H
"JThe snow is snowing The wind is blowing J"
M*A*S*H
"— J But I can weather the storm J — [ Sneezes]"
M*A*S*H
"[Coughs]"
M*A*S*H
"Now look, pal."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t care how pitiful you get, I am not giving you my longjohns."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t want ‘em. You keep ‘em."
M*A*S*H
"— No point in both ofus getting sick. — Fine."
M*A*S*H
"You‘d better get some rest, Hawkeye."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re gonna need all your strength tomorrow."
M*A*S*H
"Now, shut up and go to sleep!"
M*A*S*H
"It‘s your bet, Radar."
M*A*S*H
"|f| have three cards and they‘re all red, is that three ofa kind?"
M*A*S*H
"Is that a question for a grown man to ask?"
M*A*S*H
"Okay, I bet 20 bucks."
M*A*S*H
"— Twenty bucks? — Like takin‘ candy from a baby."
M*A*S*H
"-| fold. —You?"
M*A*S*H
"Trouble is, I don‘t have 20 actual dollars."
M*A*S*H
"The Mummy here beat me for i 70 bucks tonight."
M*A*S*H
"Well, how you gonna bet?"
M*A*S*H
"[ Wind Howling]"
M*A*S*H
"Could I, uh—— Could I interest you in, uh——"
M*A*S*H
"You got long underwear?"
M*A*S*H
"Wait a minute! I gave them to you ‘cause you were choking to death!"
M*A*S*H
"You can‘t bet my longjohnsjust because your nose stopped running!"
M*A*S*H
"I have very sensitive skin."
M*A*S*H
"Wow!"
M*A*S*H
"Soft as a baby‘s bottom."
M*A*S*H
"Ha—ha—ha."
M*A*S*H
"Full house. Ha—ha!"
M*A*S*H
"— What were they? — Tens."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah? Tens and what?"
M*A*S*H
"That‘s it. Two pairs oftens."
M*A*S*H
"Is that good?"
M*A*S*H
"You lost them! How did it happen?"
M*A*S*H
"to an astigmatic missing link with fourtens!"
M*A*S*H
"That‘s how it happened!"
M*A*S*H
"All right, bub. Put your underwear where your mouth is."
M*A*S*H
"[ Wind Howling]"
M*A*S*H
"Can you do that and walk at the same time?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘d like to eat this before I have broccoli—sicles."
M*A*S*H
"Certainly, Mr. Full House."
M*A*S*H
"Why don‘t you sit with us doctors so this discovery doesn‘t get lost to science?"
M*A*S*H
"Is there a reason this line is going so slow..."
M*A*S*H
"it‘s moving in the opposite direction?"
M*A*S*H
"[ Wind Howling]"
M*A*S*H
"How did you get your hands on them?"
M*A*S*H
"[Clears Throat]"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, that feels so good."
M*A*S*H
"Soft as a baby‘s bottom."
M*A*S*H
"Come on, Hawkeye."
M*A*S*H
"Can I get you some pie?"
M*A*S*H
"Would you? I gotta keep my energy up for later."
M*A*S*H
"Uh-huh."
M*A*S*H
"Can I have some more, uh, pie for Nurse Beddoes, Sergeant?"
M*A*S*H
"Sure."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou know what I mean."
M*A*S*H
"You ’re some guy, Radar. Whar’syoursecrer?"
M*A*S*H
"Well, I like to put ‘em on a pedestal, you know?"
M*A*S*H
"Surprise ‘em with little gifts."
M*A*S*H
"Put your hand in there. Feel that."
M*A*S*H
"|fhe lets everybody feel them, there won‘t be anything left but a package oflint."
M*A*S*H
"— Look in here. — Wow!"
M*A*S*H
"— Is that a whole one? — A complete leg oflamb."
M*A*S*H
"— It’d take you a whole weekend to eat it. — Yea h."
M*A*S*H
"In exchange for those."
M*A*S*H
"— That include the mintjelly? — You got it."
M*A*S*H
"Something came up. |can‘t make it tonight."
M*A*S*H
"There goes the last ofthe great leg men."
M*A*S*H
"Filth!"
M*A*S*H
"This isn‘t a kitchen. It‘s a bacterial breeding ground, a germ kennel!"
M*A*S*H
"How long ofa walk is it from here to the soup, Sergeant?"
M*A*S*H
"About three feet, sir."
M*A*S*H
"And nothing walks faster than a bacteria. Bacterium."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve made over 700 meals here, sir, with only one illness."
M*A*S*H
"That was three months ago. Are you feeling any better now, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m not concerned about myself. It‘s the men."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m reducing you to corporal. — Sir, are you busting me?"
M*A*S*H
"Yes."
M*A*S*H
"And with a corresponding reduction in pay, ofcourse."
M*A*S*H
"My invalid wife is dependent on my——"
M*A*S*H
"my sending her a few dollars every month, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— Is this the same wife you had when you poisoned me? — Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"She was stiffand everything, but, uh, it was nothing."
M*A*S*H
"Her death was all in her head."
M*A*S*H
"let alone a stiffone!"
M*A*S*H
"The men in this outfit are very lucky I came in here tonight to get warm..."
M*A*S*H
"and found this mess."
M*A*S*H
"Is your tent cold, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"No colder than it was for our boys at Valley Forge."
M*A*S*H
"|, uh, wonder ifyou know who, uh,"
M*A*S*H
"might have left these here, sir."
M*A*S*H
"[ Wind Howling]"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, look what the giant rodent has on his body."
M*A*S*H
"Suppurating pustules, ifthere‘s anyjustice."
M*A*S*H
"— Where did you get those longjohns? — Wouldn‘t you like to know?"
M*A*S*H
"Possession is nine—tenths ofthe law, Pierce."
M*A*S*H
"And I‘m sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow,"
M*A*S*H
"so don‘t try anything."
M*A*S*H
"[Hawkeye] Say your prayers, Frank,"
M*A*S*H
"Imported French Camembert cheese."
M*A*S*H
"Mmm. Oh."
M*A*S*H
"Frank, where did you get it?"
M*A*S*H
"— My wife sent it to me. — [ Sighs]"
M*A*S*H
"— Howmuch? — Yes, much."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s drop the poetry, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"How much am | worth to you in cold, hard reality?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m talking about us, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"That would be a wonderful gesture,"
M*A*S*H
"Now, is there anything you can think of—— that you have——"
M*A*S*H
"— Gee, no. — How about your wife?"
M*A*S*H
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