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Clips from How I Met Your Mother - The Fortress (S08E08)

"reminiscent of Monet's Water Lilies."
How I Met Your Mother
"- Where is it? - Rikers Island."
How I Met Your Mother
"The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences..."
How I Met Your Mother
"for aggravated homicide."
How I Met Your Mother
"I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes..."
How I Met Your Mother
"and a jug of toilet wine."
How I Met Your Mother
"Is it a strain feeling like a single dad at times?"
How I Met Your Mother
"Sure, but Lily's been busting her butt at this new job."
How I Met Your Mother
"It's not like she's been out there partying."
How I Met Your Mother
"I ate a ton of caviar, but it soaked up none of the champagne."
How I Met Your Mother
"- Mondays, right? - Yeah."
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"[Chuckles] Oh. You mean my glare-reduction Lunettes."
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"Yeah. They help me discern genius from pretentious crap."
How I Met Your Mother
"Well, listen, baby, I'm just happy to see you..."
How I Met Your Mother
"and if you're not too tired, maybe we could watch Woodworthy Manor tonight."
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"- I'd love to. - Great!"
How I Met Your Mother
"'Cause I've come up with a fun little game."
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"I made figgy pudding and I put it in shot glasses."
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"And every time they say..."
How I Met Your Mother
"[British Accent] "The dowager will be less than pleased"..."
How I Met Your Mother
"- you have to... - [Cell Phone Rings]"
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"[Groans] Ahoy."
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"A seven-foot-tall, cross-dressing Cambodian..."
How I Met Your Mother
"is throwing glitter and fish guts at a billboard on the B.Q.E."
How I Met Your Mother
"So he's some sort of conceptual painter?"
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"I thought you might have a laugh. You're off the clock. Relax."
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"I must own it."
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"Aye, aye, Captain."
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"Hey, did you find a Realtor to sell this place yet?"
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"Robin, a Realtor's just gonna give it to the highest bidder."
How I Met Your Mother
"I need this place to go to someone worthy."
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"And I've made some inquiries."
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"Barney?"
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"[Imitating Marlon Brando] My son."
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"Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head..."
How I Met Your Mother
"- It's getting old. - I only use it to say really important stuff."
How I Met Your Mother
"Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of the Baconator."
How I Met Your Mother
"Exactly."
How I Met Your Mother
"And now, my son..."
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"it is time for me to bestow on you..."
How I Met Your Mother
"Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people?"
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"[Brando Voice] My son, it is time for me to bestow on you..."
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"- Close the door. - No. This is..."
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"Oh, my God. Can you just be cool? Once? Please?"
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"Just once."
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"Once. Please."
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"My son, for many years..."
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"this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude..."
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"but now the time has come for me to pass it on."
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"Soon, this place will become..."
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"your Fortress of Soli-Ted."
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"with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water."
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"[Groans] Fine."
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"But I think we can both agree, it would be totally awesome..."
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"to see my deal floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam."
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"- Hold on. - [Zipper Unzips]"
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"Now it's a little cold here in the Fortress, so don't judge..."
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"Wait."
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"Okay, that's not funny. Ted, open the..."
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"[Groans] Walls closing in."
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"[Gasps] Must..."
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"on Jor-El cam."
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"- I... [Groans] - [Thuds]"
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"Oh, well. Guess I'm keeping this place forever. Good night."
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"Wait... Wait a minute. That's it?"
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"Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment, so you just gave up?"
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"Barney, I gave up my beautiful two-bedroom apartment..."
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"on the Upper West Side that was rent-free..."
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"and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates."
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"Which is probably why it was rent-free."
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"The point is I need to buy all new underwear..."
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"and you agreed that we would find a new place together."
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"Oh, God, Barney, relationships are about trust and compromise."
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"- [Clicks] - You can't just... Oh, you are so dead."
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"If I ever figure a way out of here..."
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"Lily and I really need this night out..."
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"Thank you so much for babysitting."
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"- [Chuckles] - [Cell Phone Rings]"
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"If you get there before..."
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"Come on, really?"
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"I'll see you later."
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"Captain? I'm sorry, dude."
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"But, hey, look at it this way."
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"Now you don't have to go to the ballet."
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"Get your head out of your ass, Ted. There was no ballet."
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"We were gonna sneak into your apartment and bang."
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"Well, you know what might take both our minds off that?"
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"Little, uh... [Clears Throat]"
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"[Stammering] No, I can't."
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"I promised Lily that I would wait and watch it with her..."
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"Sure, sure, sure, sure. I get all that."
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"It's just, um..."
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"And reveal the winner of the local gardening competition."
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"I don't know how they're gonna pack all that action into one episode."
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"[Groans]"
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"- ♪♪ [Classical] - Oops."
How I Met Your Mother
"that Robin had a little surprise waiting for him."
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"- Mimosas? - Mm-hmm."
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"[Sniffs] "Freshly baked cookie" smell?"
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"A middle-aged woman in a red blazer?"
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"I see what this is."
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"You finally greenlit my orgy idea."
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"- [Laughing] - Okay. It's an open house, Barney."
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"Say good-bye to your fortress."
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"If we weren't about to have an orgy..."
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"I'd be so mad at you right now."
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"If you'll follow me into the bedroom..."
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"I am way too upset right now to point out..."
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"Angry self five! [Growls]"
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"- Robin, I did not agree to this. - Yes, you did."
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"That is why I gave up my apartment..."
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"not so I could live in a disease-riddled bang pad..."
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"haunted by the ghosts of your ex-skanks."
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"The bathrooms are Italian marble."
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"What are you doing here? And why do you sound like Madonna?"
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"[British Accent] And inspired by a character on Woodworthy Manor..."
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"I've decided to play Emsbury Postlethwaite..."
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"a handsome cricket player who secretly hates his life."
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"You don't have to be a cricket player."
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"Tell that to Emsbury's father."
How I Met Your Mother
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