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Clips from Veep - C**tgate (S05E05)

"- PRESS BRIEFING - FRIDAY 11:00 AM - Mike! Mike! Mike!"
Veep
"I'm hearing that some banks may be requiring a federal bailout."
Veep
"Bailouts are not on the table."
Veep
"It is possible some banks may require massive capital infusions."
Veep
"That's the literal definition of bailing something out."
Veep
"There will be no bailouts. I was clear on this point."
Veep
"Very clear on this."
Veep
"ECONOMIC RESPONSE TEAM FRIDAY 11:10 AM"
Veep
"So, next up on the hit parade,"
Veep
"we get to decide which banks to bail out."
Veep
"Well, I hope to fiscal fuck"
Veep
"the fed has a trillion dollars stuffed in a mattress somewhere."
Veep
"There are three banks in danger that are gonna need"
Veep
"massive infusions of cash over the weekend."
Veep
"Essentially, we can only afford to bail out two."
Veep
"And if we do nothing?"
Veep
"Go to the ATM Monday and dust will come out."
Veep
"This is not a decision we can make based on politics."
Veep
"- No, definitely not. - But we've got to save Janders Capital"
Veep
"- because they're based in Illinois. - We need Illinois."
Veep
"That's one. Paulsten-Berheim or EM Wheelright?"
Veep
"Well, Wheelright is Charlie Baird's bank."
Veep
"So..."
Veep
"My pick is EM Wheelright."
Veep
"You know what, Tom? I think..."
Veep
"oh, yes. What he just said."
Veep
"Could everyone who doesn't absolutely have to be here please leave the room?"
Veep
"Thank you."
Veep
"- Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank. - Why not?"
Veep
"'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend"
Veep
"than you do the economy, normal people,"
Veep
"and everything else you're supposed to care about."
Veep
"- AIDS for example. - Thanks, Kent's autism."
Veep
"Look, there is no love lost between me and Charlie Baird."
Veep
"Though it pains me to say it, his bank is stronger."
Veep
"- That's my point. - It's the right call for the future."
Veep
"Ma'am, you are not going to have a future if you bail out Charlie."
Veep
"All right, I'm gonna need some more time."
Veep
"At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb,"
Veep
"he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima."
Veep
"That we know of."
Veep
"- JONAH RYAN FOR CONGRESS - Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan."
Veep
"And I grew up right here"
Veep
"in the awesome state of New Hampshire."
Veep
"The Granite State of the United States."
Veep
"For your family, for your future,"
Veep
"vote Ryan for Congress."
Veep
"My name is Jonah Ryan and I approve this message."
Veep
"So, now you have all seen the ad"
Veep
"and we want to know what you think about it."
Veep
"- Anyone? - I didn't like the guy."
Veep
"You don't like him? Okay."
Veep
"That wood he's chopping, it's not gonna burn right."
Veep
"To burn... the wood is not going to burn."
Veep
"What else?"
Veep
"His head is too big for his body."
Veep
"But then sometimes his body is too big for his head."
Veep
"- He's the wrong shape. - Shape is wrong?"
Veep
"Does anyone have anything positive to say about the ad?"
Veep
"- I like the kid. - Yeah."
Veep
"Like the kid in the ad, the little boy."
Veep
"But I did not like that he was next to that guy."
Veep
"I was like, Run, kid."
Veep
"Oh, surprise, surprise. Look who's here."
Veep
"Do you morons really not understand that this is a two-way mirror?"
Veep
"Seriously? Are you shocked by that technology?"
Veep
"I work in the fucking West Wing,"
Veep
"you Pepperidge Farm ad motherfuckers."
Veep
"- Fuck you. - Watch your mouth."
Veep
"Sit your fucking mom jeans ass down, dude."
Veep
"You've got to learn to control your fucking temper!"
Veep
"Lord."
Veep
"This is beyond language."
Veep
"I know the world of focus groups."
Veep
"I think maybe we picked the wrong candidate."
Veep
"How is Catherine there and also here?"
Veep
"- She's not here, ma'am. - Since when?"
Veep
"- Last week. - Oh, my God."
Veep
"And then to put a fucking cherry on this shit sundae,"
Veep
"did you guys see that article in Politico?"
Veep
"- Meyer's Five Biggest Economic Mistakes? - No."
Veep
"Recession Has a New Name: the Selina Slump?"
Veep
"No. Gary, you have the machine?"
Veep
"- Yeah. - Listen to this."
Veep
"In a further sign of low morale..."
Veep
"No, you've got to read it properly."
Veep
"- Nope, that's not it. - You've got to spin it."
Veep
"Here we go. Why does it keep doing the turning?"
Veep
"A high-level West Wing staffer was recently overheard"
Veep
"calling the president the C word."
Veep
"Can you believe this shit?"
Veep
"- Oh, wow. - That's crazy. - Oh, yeah. - That's bad."
Veep
"Yeah, this is broken, by the way."
Veep
"Ma'am, I think that we need to resume our focus"
Veep
"on relaunching Jonah's campaign."
Veep
"We need a Jonah whisperer, except somebody who's gonna, like,"
Veep
"yell in his face and call him stupid."
Veep
"- Oh, we need Dan Egan. - Dan turned us down."
Veep
"But I've got some interviews lined up."
Veep
"- We'll make the right choice. - Well, are you doing it?"
Veep
"You're just sitting here farting into my couch."
Veep
"Let's go, let's go, let's go."
Veep
"Amy, I need to talk to you for a moment."
Veep
"- Yes, ma'am. - I want you to find out who called me a cunt."
Veep
"- Ma'am... - Listen, with the votes and the banks,"
Veep
"- we can't have a traitor in our castle, right? - Yeah..."
Veep
"- You need to bring me a head. - Yes, ma'am."
Veep
"Hey, Dan. You want to go to lunch later at Hansong Korean Barbecue?"
Veep
"Come on, I've got a Groupon, expires Monday."
Veep
"50 bucks for $100 worth of food."
Veep
"It's in Annandale, Mike. No one from DC goes to fucking Annandale."
Veep
"Hey, how about an $80 in-home massage for 40 bucks?"
Veep
"- With release? - No."
Veep
"- Then what's the point? - Hey, why did you turn down the Jonah job?"
Veep
"- Come on. - Jesus, Dan, you wouldn't know the smart move"
Veep
"if it bent you over and fucked you with a Coke bottle."
Veep
"If Jonah loses, no one's gonna blame you."
Veep
"- If he wins, you're a political genius. - I'll think about it."
Veep
"Think fast. Ben's interviewing candidates right now."
Veep
"Not worried."
Veep
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