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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Vartabedian Conundrum (S02E02)

"Yeah, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon."
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"I seriously doubt it."
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"- I'm going to bed. - Okay."
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"...but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot."
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"Is that imaginary?"
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"- I'm calling an emergency meeting. - No, you're not."
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"- We're not living together. - I beg to disagree. Ahem."
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""A girlfriend shall be deemed, quote, living with, unquote, Leonard..."
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"You initialed it. See? "L.H., L.H., L.H.""
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"...to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells."
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"The bathroom schedule. I'm given to understand..."
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"...pressing on the auditory nerve."
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"- Out of coffee. Need coffee. - Uh--"
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"- Hello. - Hi. Stephanie, right?"
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"Mm-hm. And--? And you are?"
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"Look, I'm just saying, um..."
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"Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian."
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"She doesn't like you."
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"- I'll see you tonight? Bye. - Yeah. Bye-bye."
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"What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?"
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"Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?"
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"Hmm."
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"We're not living together."
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"Yeah. Stephanie got them for me."
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"Nice. Cotton?"
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"See the blond over there?"
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"Stephanie and I are very happy living together."
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"Where did you get the stethoscope and pressure cuff?"
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"And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer."
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"All I need is for you to authorize these tests."
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"...it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions."
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"Oh, good. Do you have any fabric softener?"
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"- You sure? - Absolutely."
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"Oh, no. I wish you'd told me that sooner."
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"- Really? - Yeah, it's wonderful."
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"...you're allowed to say something."
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"Yeah, I could say something like that to her."
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"I'll go do that."
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"- Thank you. - Sure."
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"I'll go talk to her."
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"Wow."
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"What?"
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"- I mean, I've never seen anything like it. - I knew it."
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"What's going on?"
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"Careful. If you don't get it all, it'll only come back worse."
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"I don't know what that means."
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"Okay, why don't you just tell me what it is you have to tell me?"
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"Okay. Um...."
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"- And? - It's just a little scary."
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"Okay, and it's perfectly okay to express those feelings, right?"
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"Of course. Why don't you tell me what you're feeling?"
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"Okay, well, I ju-- I think it's important to remember that we move..."
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"...at a pace that is our speed and...."
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"Okay, how about this? How about I tell you what I'm feeling?"
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"- Ah. Okay. - Okay."
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"Well, um, on one level, really, really well."
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"And then the subject got changed somehow."
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"Little bit."
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"- What? - Nothing."
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"Everything's gonna work out, one way or another."
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"You are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to."
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"- Really? - Yes."
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"Huh."
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"- What? - Nothing. Just rethinking my whole life."
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"I don't know. What have women said to you..."
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"Oh."
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"Right, yeah. Um...."
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"So, Stephanie, here's the thing."
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"And then when I run into you at the coffee shop..."
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"I was just gonna say..."
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"It's got a big bird on it, dude."
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"You're lucky. With me, it's usually the other way around."
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"That's true. But, on the other hand, you are wearing a bird sweater."
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"There."
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"Okay. Let me check."
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"- I don't see anything at all, Sheldon. - Ugh."
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"You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound."
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"Me too."
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"Is it a high-frequency whistle?"
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"No, it's more of a relentless, narcissistic drone."
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"Then it must be a tumor."
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"Maybe it's a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies."
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"Is that possible? I used to get those all the time."
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"Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there's something I can do, okay. Ahem."
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"- I'll be right in. - Okay."
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"It's not enough she mocks me..."
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"Do you understand that Stephanie's not here to treat your imaginary ailments?"
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"How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above middle C?"
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"Article One, Section Three of our roommate agreement."
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"Leonard moves the meeting nor occur. Second? None heard, the motion fails."
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"I'd like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress..."
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"...in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie."
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"- Thank you. - And that being said..."
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"...we have to discuss the implementation of the cohabitation rider..."
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"...which has been activated now that you're living together."
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"...when she has stayed over, A, 10 consecutive nights..."
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"...all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.""
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"Okay, wait. I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen."
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"I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers."
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"Hm. Yes, you did."
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"Now to review, the following provisions are hereby activated."
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"In the refrigerator, as opposed to two separate shelves and one communal shelf..."
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"Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week..."
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"...women have different needs, so we'll have to discuss that."
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"Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here..."
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"...and here."
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"Sure sounds like a tumor..."
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"- No, absolutely not. - It's not a big deal."
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"We have latex gloves."
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"I don't care what the symptoms are."
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"My girlfriend is not gonna give you a prostate exam."
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"- Hi, Sheldon. - Good morning, Dr. Stephanie."
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"I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?"
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"Oh, good God."
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"I heard you ask it over and over."
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"How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?"
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"- He did very nicely. - But see? She's not offended."
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"And now you finally have an answer."
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"I'm Penny. I live across the hall."
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"- Heard a lot about you. - Really?"
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