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Clips from New Girl - Secrets (S01E01)

"Yeah, I'm just in over my head. Schmidt, I hate asking this..."
New Girl
"how do you do this? - Glory be. Are you asking for my help?"
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"- Oh, I'm... I'm flattered. - Pull up. Yank back on that yoke."
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"We have to face the reality of the situation:"
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"Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece and lying about it."
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"He's better than us at this, Winston, I hate it as much as you do!"
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"And, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might..."
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"- I might respect you. - Thank you for saying that."
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"You've come a long way, man."
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"Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours, which..."
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"like weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple..."
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"a. k.a. Cece, because she's Indian."
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"Let's get it started, ha"
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"You don't have to be so gentle with me."
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"All right. That's how I like it, baby. All right."
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"Sex, man. It's the real stuff."
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"I don't know that I should help you."
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"You're not a player. You're a clingy serial monogamist with..."
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"Well, with a terrible metabolism."
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"Schmidt, I need you..."
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"to teach me to be a douche bag."
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"- Let's get to work. - What's happening?"
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"- Hey, babe. - Oh, hey, Cece."
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"- Doing some stretches? - Good guess, model."
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"No, just limbering up in case I want to have sex with one of your roommates."
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"- Do you want some company? - What?"
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"- Want some company? - Sorry, I can't hear you."
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"Diane Keaton's talking about her rich life full of loyal friends."
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"Oh, Jess, I hate when we fight, I get so stressed out."
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"I mean, my eye twitch is back. I'm eating bread, all right?"
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"- Just let me come on this run with you! - No!"
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"Seriously, Jess, it was just one secret! Everybody's got secrets!"
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"Good afternoon. My name is Mr. Schmidt. M-R..."
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"Not even a real chalkboard."
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"- First of all, Nick, congrats. - Thank you."
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"You're meeting a lot of young women, and for whatever reason..."
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"they find you appealing. In the restaurant of life, you've selected..."
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"the tasting menu."
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"- I don't want to do this anymore. - You're terrible at lying."
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"So, what we want to do is, we want to focus on S.S.V."
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"- Can't believe you slept with Cece. - Short. Simple."
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"Let's apply it. I'm one of these girls coming in, I wanna party..."
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"I'm in college. - I'm in."
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"- Hey, what happened to your phone? - Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speedboat."
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"The environment. Bears. Family. Magic."
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"- I need your help, Schmidt. - Yeah."
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"I'm the girl, the whole objective is to get me out the front door as fast as you possibly can."
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"- Let's do this. Ready? - Yeah, what's your name?"
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"My name is Janine, all right? God."
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"- Don't make that sound. - Good morning, Nick."
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"You gave it to me good last night. Gave me the full business. Yeah."
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"- This is weird. - One of the weirder things we've done."
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"What you thinking, brown-eyes? Wanna grab brunch?"
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"- Sure, Janine, that sounds fun. - God... No! You don't wanna go grab brunch!"
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"- Damn it, Nick. Focus. - I'm all turned around."
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"- I just had sex with Janine! I have feelings! - Yeah, so you're done!"
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"I sleep with her then kick her out like she's a piece of meat?"
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"- This is the problem. - Ask me again."
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"- Okay, cowboy, wanna saddle up again? - No, sweetie, I can't."
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"- You have work. Plans can be canceled. - I'm not living in a house of lies..."
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"I can't do it anymore. Is this happening too?"
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"- No, this is not happening. - This isn't what it looks like."
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"Hey, look, fine. From now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft."
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"That means that I have secrets I wanna get off my chest."
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"- Rather not. - Don't want to hear."
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"Schmidt, a couple months ago, I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin."
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"That is a micro-fiber blend from Pakistan, heathen."
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"Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo."
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"Good. This is healthy. Air it out. All right, one more."
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"Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life."
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"He said you were going "full Poppins.""
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"Winston, I can see anger in your eyes..."
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"- What? What? - One time."
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"I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them."
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"Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one?"
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"Nick told me it happened to him, like, a bunch of times."
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"Winston, you told me you had a sex dream about Jess..."
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"and she had raccoon hands. - Dreams do not count!"
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"Yeah. Look, Jess... - Yeah."
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"We're going back to keeping secrets. When I walk through this door, into my room..."
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"this conversation never happened."
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"Oh, my God!"
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"So, what did the raccoon hands look like?"
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"Oh, heh, heh. Man, they were digging through garbage."
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"- Oh, my God! - Do not drink my almond milk..."
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"when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt."
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"Jess, why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler?"
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"Because I don't wanna live in a world with secrets."
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"That means that I now know..."
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"my roommates have thought about me while self-completing."
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"I'm wearing winter clothes until I can deal with that."
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"- But it's better than not knowing. - Is it really?"
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"- Yeah, it is. - Jess, I don't wanna fight anymore, okay?"
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"I said I was sorry."
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"We tell each other everything, I've never not told you something."
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"That's what second base means?"
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"Then I'm not a virgin anymore."
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"Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?"
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"I had a dream that I killed you."
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"You tell me everything, all right?"
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"I stopped telling you everything, because every time I did..."
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"you got so judgmental and critical... - What?"
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"I had to give it a try, Jess, I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo."
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"Cece."
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"Okay, yeah. You got me."
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"You don't have secrets, Jess, because you never do anything stupid."
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"- Look at me. - With guys."
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"So living with Spencer for six years was not a mistake? Cece, I'm not judging you."
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"It's just..."
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"- Schmidt? - Judging. See what that is?"
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"No, I'm not judging until now. Don't look at me."
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"Jess, would you please?"
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"when we delight ourselves. - Oh, no."
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"Could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor."
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"- Hi, Nick. - Oh, I get it."
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"It's actually a fantasy of mine. Could you say the following words out loud:"
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"The ice roads are too dangerous, you're gonna have to turn back, chief."
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"I'm not saying that."
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"Okay."
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"I want my scarf, it is 62 degrees out and I'm freezing."
New Girl
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