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Clips from New Girl - Secrets (S01E01)

"Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography..."
New Girl
"It's Jess"
New Girl
"- Are you okay? - I'm gonna call you."
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"- Vagina. - Vague. It's actually vague."
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"Schmidt thinks about you when he's making love to himself."
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"A winter hat won't stop us thinking about you from time to time..."
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"I don't wanna walk around with you"
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"I don't wanna walk around with you"
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"- I think the shirt's pretty funny. - Not funny."
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"Maybe I like Schmidt."
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"- Please. - All right."
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"Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready."
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"she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!"
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"- I totally forgot we were gonna run today. - I e-mailed you three times!"
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"- Maybe you typed "g-moil" again. - No excuses, we have to train."
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"We signed up for this, now we have to do it."
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"Why can't we just donate the money? We do we have to run the six miles first?"
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"That's a good point, but no, you're getting dressed..."
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"No, Jess, look, I can't go, I'm super hungover right now..."
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"plus, Masha had a crisis, she accidentally ate a cookie because she fell on it."
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"- I am devastated. - She's devastated."
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"- Why don't you come running with us? - No, she definitely can't."
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"- It's great, more money for charity! - We will do it tomorrow!"
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"It'll be so fun!"
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"I mean, that was a close one. Good thing I'm a quiet breather..."
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"I learned that as a kid playing "Who passed out?" with my mom."
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"- My mom always won. - Jew in the couch. Jew in the couch."
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"- Nadia. American manners. - I sorry."
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"So Jew person in couch."
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"She's not wrong."
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"- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?"
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"- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?"
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"Okay. Bye, Nick."
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"So you'll call me?"
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"Um, yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely do..."
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"You hike? Do you hike?"
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"- Okay? Are you...? - This was fun."
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"Okay. Okay, I'll call you tonight..."
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"to make sure you're okay. - Please."
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"That was ridiculous."
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"I can't do this, Winston."
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"I don't know how to sleep with 21-year-old girls..."
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"and for a couple of weeks, that's all I've been doing."
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"- What's going on with you, are you okay? - I saw something a few days ago."
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"Now, I've been sworn to secrecy, but it is just too big..."
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"I know where you're going, you know I can't keep a secret, you saw me with that girl."
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"Thinking about secrets turns me into a Slip 'N Slide."
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"- You gotta help me out, I'm dying! Hey, hey! - I don't wanna know!"
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"- Come on, come on, come on, I'm dying! - I don't wanna know!"
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"Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!"
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"Ew."
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"- It's happening under our roof. - No."
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"- Yes. Yes! - No!"
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"- This makes me hate things. - I know, man, it's like up is down."
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"- Up is the new down, man. - Now my back is sweating."
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"- All right, who knows? - Everybody but Jess."
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"Hey."
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"Hey, Jess. Just hanging out in the hallway. What's going on? Nothing's going on."
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"I'm really annoyed, Cece bailed on me again..."
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"we were supposed to train for that race... - That is so Cece!"
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"I know. I mean, and the weird thing is that she said she was hungover..."
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"but last night, she said she didn't want to go out."
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"Maybe she had a guy over."
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"Not like that, I didn't say anything. Think about what I said, I didn't say anything."
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"You have a secret. You have a secret! Turn around."
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"- You turn around. Be cool about this. - Let me see your back. Ew. Gross!"
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"J'accuse, Miller! J'accuse."
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"- You fold like a lawn chair. Fold. Fold. - You're not gonna fold me."
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"- Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together! - Come on!"
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"What? Oh, my God!"
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"They know, Schmidt."
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"Sweatback? You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston!"
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"- Jess... - God."
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"I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this."
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"But can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidty did it this time."
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"I mean, I'm having Indian every night."
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"- No! No! Aah! - Whoa! Whoa! Ow!"
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"Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way."
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"Trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy, just something that happened..."
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"and then it got out of control, like poison oak, and I just..."
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"couldn't stop scratching it. That's... - Cece started it."
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"I did, I started it."
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"Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents?"
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"- When did it start? - Jess, I want to emphasize..."
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"that we are not dating. I can't stress that enough. This is just sex."
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"- Mm-hm. When did it start? - One-oh-three a.m."
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"February 15th."
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"Right on schedule."
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"- It was two months ago. - Two months?"
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"Two moons have passed since you started doing it?"
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"You talk like a Native American when you're angry."
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"- Two moons have passed! - Just a quick side bar..."
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"we've done it in every room of the apartment. - Ugh."
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"- Even my room? Oh, God. - Just the one time."
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"- How long have you known? - A few days."
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"You didn't tell me either?"
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"Reminder, I told you seconds after I knew."
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"- Because you're weak, Nick. Weak. - Okay, I agree, just chill, stop yelling."
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"Jess, I want to tell you everything, what do you want to know?"
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"Cece, how would I know if you're telling the truth?"
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"Come on, Jess, are you seriously mad?"
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"No. No. I'm not. I'm really glad you two are having fun."
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"How cool is that?"
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"For what it's worth, I think what I did was really brave."
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"- Get off of me. - Yeah."
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"Have you guys seen a scarf? Holly said she left it here."
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"It's my favorite because it's a circle, so you never have to think about..."
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"which end goes on the right or the left. My therapist gave it to me. She's Asian..."
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"but she's the nicest."
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"- Who was that? - Nobody, just..."
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"Who was that?"
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"Was it that stuck-up bitch from last night with the fake hand?"
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"- Whoa. - No, it was no one, it was just beep, beep, beep."
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"It was... I'm so old. I don't even know how to use a cell phone."
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"- Let's go clubbing, you wanna go clubbing? - Show me the phone."
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"- Let's go back to when we were having fun. - Let me see the phone."
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"- Let me see your phone! - No!"
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"Smooth."
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"I'll call you."
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"Nick, are you kidd... What, do you keep the ringer on? Amateur move, man."
New Girl
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