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Clips from South Park - Trapped in the Closet (S09E09)

"Jesus Christ..."
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"L. Ron? L. Ron!"
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"It really is you!"
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"Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise!"
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"Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron?"
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"Haven't you enjoyed my acting?"
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"Which film did you like best?"
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"Well-h. I mean, you're not like as good as Leonardo di Caprio,"
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"What?"
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"I mean, you're not Gene Hackman"
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"I'm nothing."
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"I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! Aaah!"
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"Go away!"
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"Dude, this is my rooom!"
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"Go away, I said!"
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"Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!"
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"What?!"
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"Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out."
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"Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet."
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"No!"
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"Come on, Mr. Crusie, this is ridiculous."
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"What did you say to him?"
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"Oh boy."
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"Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright?"
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"You need to come out."
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"What's going on?"
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"Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet."
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"What?"
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"Just leave me alone!"
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"Well, we CAN'T leave you alone"
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"because YOU won't come out of the closet!"
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"It's been four hours now"
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"and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet."
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"Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in"
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"hopes that the celebrity will finally give in."
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"Tom Cruise, this is Park County police!"
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"but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly."
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"Well I was just standing here"
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"I asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?"
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"Nobody has no answers"
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"and so I pull out my gun!"
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"Tell my why Tom Cruise in the closet"
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"or else I'm gonna shoot someone!"
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"Please, understand we just want"
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"what is best for your son."
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"The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of."
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"He had many enemies."
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"Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?"
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"who knew the secret truth about the nature of life."
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"This is just too much."
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"We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church."
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"The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine."
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"Please, your son deserves to be enlightened."
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"doctrine of life behind Scientology?"
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"Sure."
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"All right, go ahead and tell him."
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"Would you excuse us, please?"
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"This is highly-classified church information."
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"Aw rats."
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"Usually, to hear the secret doctrine"
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"Are you ready to hear the truth?"
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"I guess."
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"for people feeling sad and depressed."
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"which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu."
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"Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated"
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"and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets"
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"and then had those aliens frozen."
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"The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers"
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"which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines."
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"The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet"
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"and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii."
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"The souls of those aliens, however, lived on"
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"and all floated up towards the sky."
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"But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this."
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"And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky!"
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"The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility"
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"which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth."
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"There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material"
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"whiched tricked them into believing a false reality."
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"Xenu then released the alien souls"
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"which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion."
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"At the dawn of man"
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"the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto."
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"They attached themselves to all mankind"
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"which still to this day causes all our fears"
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"L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing"
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"Now all we're asking you to do..."
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"is pick up where he left off."
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"Neither did L. Ron when he started."
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"He said he just closed his eyes"
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"and wrote down whatever came to mind."
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"You can do the same."
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"Okay, I'll try."
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"I just wish I could write in my room"
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"but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet."
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"I know. We've send Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help."
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"Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough?"
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"It's time for you to come out of the closet."
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"Yes you are, Tom."
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"And you need to just end this and come out."
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"I'm not gonna think any differently of you."
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"Kate's not gonna think any differently of you."
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"You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom."
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"I'm not in here, though."
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"Yes, you are."
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"Then how am I talking to you, Tom?"
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"Tom, you can't hide forever just because"
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"the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting."
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"Come out of the closet, Tom."
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"You're not fooling anyone."
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"I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church."
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"Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into."
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"I've read all this stuff and it's based on fact."
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"and got busted by the feds numerous times."
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"Those are rumors put out by people"
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"who are afraid because they don't know the secret truth."
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"What secret truth?"
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"All I know is that I was depressed before"
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"and now I found meaning!"
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"I didn't know you were depressed."
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